Shattered hopes and memories
by zulija
Summary: When ones mind is falling apart because of the painful past they've lived through, what can you do to help and ease the suffering? Following Kaidan's and Shepard's love story through ME1 in slightly different views and ways. Rated M for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

This story will focus on Kaidan's and Shepard's life, showing a little of their past, how they're dealing with it and how they come closer to one another. Both of them have their own problems and demons, and we'll follow them through their missions in Mass Effect 1.

I want to make their relationship as deep as possible, and hopefully I'll manage that. Feedback is appreciated of course, feel free to tell me what you think.

Rated M for language and later smut scenes.

Enjoy!

####

He's thinking about her again...

After all those bloody years, he's still not able to forget her. He still carries her smile in his mind just like a keepsake, he holds on to it whenever he's sad or depressed. He remembers her dark brown, shining eyes which would take his breath away whenever they stared at each other. He remembers her voice, soft and sweet, just like the sweetest melody on his mother's piano. He remembers her beautiful long, dark brown hair which fell down her back like long chocolate waves til it reached the seductive shape of her hips. Her beauty was astonishing, breathtaking, her face lightning up with every joke he said, every compliment he gave her, and he wanted nothing more but to see that smile every passing minute. It suited her. She was charming, smart, she was gentle, kind...she was amazing. He couldn't choose the right words when he had to describe her. She was...perfect. Pure. Wonderful.

She was a star, his star, amongst the empty and cold darkness. That's how he referred to her back on Jump Zero. She made him smile, she made his heart flutter every time they would return to their separate quarters after a hard day of training their biotic abilities. Before sleep time though, she and her friends would invite him for a play of cards, laughing at each other and telling jokes to shake off the weight of their problems and exhaustion, and to relax a bit. She was always sweet to everyone, never letting the hard and rough day ruin her mood. She would smile and look at everyone, they always sat on the floor in a small circle, the cards scattered between them. He would always sit opposite of her, always looking at her under his eyelashes while he pretended to look at his cards. Their eyes would lock sometimes, then she would send him a smile, a smile directed only at him, a smile so warm and...lovely, he could only stare back at her. Then she would turn to the others and tell them a joke, everyone would laugh, but he just sat there, smiling, his eyes never leaving her face.

They would be there for about an hour, then everyone would start to return to their rooms, tired and exhausted. He always went last, he stayed for as long as possible, only to have a few free minutes with her, maybe even seconds, only so he could hear her voice in the silence of the room to sooth his migraine. Everyone left and she yawned, her small hand covering her mouth before she smiled, feeling his eyes on her. He stood up then, he didn't want to tire her further so he started to leave. She stood up as well and came next to him, her eyes searching for something on his face. He stopped before the door opened, and there...that's why he always went last. Her eyes looked up to him, the smile returning to her beautiful tired face and he couldn't help but smile back. She took his hand in hers gently, in an instant he felt his heart thrumming against his chest, the heat going up to his ears as she smiled sweetly at him.

"Kaidan." It was the sweetest thing he ever heard, the sweetest melody, his name leaving her lips. He was silent, unable to say anything as her eyes mesmerized him, bringing him in a state of trance as she smiled up at him. He swallowed and blushed, feeling very embarrassed for being at a loss of words.

"Rahna." Was all he managed to say, his voice husky and low, and shaking. Dear God, she is going to be the end of me, he thought as he saw her nearing his face. His heartbeat grew frantic, he held his breath as she stopped only a few inches away from his face. He gazed deep into her eyes, his breathing slow and shaky, he wanted to say something, anything...suddenly she lifted her face towards his and her soft, rosy lips met his cheek. She held her lips there for a while, breathing in his scent as he closed his eyes to enjoy the closeness with her, her warmth, her presence. She broke the small kiss after a while, slowly settling back on her feet as she blinked rapidly, her eyes locking on his pressed lips. She glanced up at him and saw his eyes staring at her face, she blushed hard at the intensity of it as she took a backwards step, giving him enough space again. He immediately felt the loss of her warmth, but he didn't want to press the matter on. He knew Rahna, and he knew that she wanted nothing else of him tonight. She lowered her head a little and looked at him from under her eyelashes, her smile on her face and dear God, that smile...

"Good night, Kaidan. See you tomorrow." She almost whispered to him, he swallowed hard as he drank in her beauty, he had to blink a few times to awake from this state of trance, lest she would think he's ill.

"Good night...Rahna." He said to her, his voice slightly above a whisper as he finally tore his eyes away from her beauty. He turned towards the door and they opened to him, but he didn't walk out. Again he turned to her only to drank in her beauty, only to see her lower lip between her teeth as she smiled at him, her eyes shining from the dim light. He sent her a warm, reassuring smile as he finally found the strength to walk away from her, although he wished nothing more but to share her bed. He would not have sex with her, not with Rahna, not until she was ready for that at least. He would hold her close to him, he would breathe in her scent, and he would be very content knowing that he will be greeted by that smile and those eyes in the morning.

He entered his room, the door slid close behind him and he entered the security lock to lock the door. He changed into his pyjama and lied down on the bed, he crossed his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep after that sweet kiss of hers. A smile appeared on his face as he remembered her scent and the pressure of her soft lips on his cheek. His cheek still burned from her kiss, it was still on fire from that little touch, and he couldn't help but wonder how her lips would fit onto his. He closed his eyes as the exhaustion of the day finally crushed on to him, but her smile was still in his mind. Her eyes were still staring at him, her lips were still pressed softly on his cheek, and the memory slowly lulled him into sleep.

####

He stared at the control screen of the Normandy, sitting next to Joker, his mind drifting off to his past, back to her...back to Rahna. He didn't know why he remembered her at times like these, they were heading to an important mission on Eden Prime and he couldn't allow himself to get distracted. To make things worse, they have a new Commander now. He didn't knew much about her, he only knew what he heard from the others. She had a rough childhood, her parents left her on the streets to look after herself when she was eight, and they never looked or searched for her again. He also heard of a mission going terribly wrong and her losing her entire unit, she ended up badly wounded and barely made it out alive. That's all he knew about Jane Shepard. He never saw her before, and frankly, he didn't care. He would be the obedient Lieutenant and he would do his best to make the galaxy a much safer place. He turned and saw Nihlus standing behind them, and he immediately felt a cold shudder running down his spine.

It wasn't because Nihlus was a Spectre send by the council to keep an eye out on them, or the fact that he was arrogant. It didn't even bothered him that he was alien, a turian. But one thing made his heart clench every time he saw not just Nihlus, but every turian. It wasn't their fault, he knew that and he never felt any anger towards any kind of race. He saw a turian and his mind immediately drifted to the memory he so much wanted to change. It made him think about his former Commander, ex-military turian Vyrnnus, specialized in biotics...and disliking every single human. Kaidan's hands turned to fists as the memory played in his mind, unwillingly, knowing he would feel terrible again...

####

They came back from the mission, their bodies sore, bruised, injured, weak...all of them were walking zombies, but it seems their new Commander didn't care about it. He wanted results, good results, and that was why he was pushing the teenagers to their breaking point. One of them died today, Willy his name was, a dear friend to Rahna and Kaidan. Rahna was still crying and Kaidan couldn't believe that a being, a turian, could be so cold. He was pushing the kids to their limits, all of them made it and passed today's exercise, but for poor Willy, who was only thirteen years old, it was just too much. He collapsed from pushing his biotic abilities to the limit, and he never woke up again. Kaidan took Rahna in a embrace, and that's when her sobs became more frequent and louder then before, her body shaking with every sob she let out. She buried her face in his strong shoulder, her hands clenching desperately to his body as he held her close to him, as if shielding her from that...that monster!

"He's gone Kaidan. Poor Willy is gone!" He didn't know what to say in that moment, instead he just tightened his grip around her, hoping she would find solace on his arms. He stroked her hair as he stared at the floor, his eyes wide and his breathing ragged, his mind filling with anger towards Vyrnnus. He still couldn't believe that Willy is gone, and the thought of that turian fucker made him even more furious. He broke the hug and cupped her face, her red eyes only half opened and avoiding his gaze. He didn't know how to cheer her up after this, and to be honest, he was afraid to touch her, afraid because her entire body was bruised and sore, just like his. She trembled, hard, as he wiped away her tears with his thumbs gently stroking her cheeks, until Kaidan left her side to get her a glass of water when suddenly the door slid open. Kaidan stood there, paralyzed and unable to move as his eyes spotted Commander Vyrnnus standing at the entrance. Kaidan swallowed hard and greeted the Commander, he heard Rahna stopped crying and he took a sideways glance at her, and his heart almost broke at the look on her face she gave the Commander. Vyrnnus stood there, observing them silently, his hands crossed behind his back before he started to speak.

"Off to the briefing room...the both of you." He left the room as soon as he said this, Kaidan gently placed a hand around Rahna's shoulder as they both made their way out to the briefing room. Kaidan was mad, angry, furious...but he had to control his temper, or he would lose control over his biotics so he at leadt tried to breathe deeply and steady. They came to the briefing room and Vyrnnus was already sitting on his chair next to the table. He eyed them angrily and pointed his head to the nearby chairs, showing them to sit down. Kaidan knew it isn't wise to disobey him so he led Rahna to the chair, but the Commander wouldn't have it.

"She is old enough to know how to sit down on a chair on her own for Christ sake!" He yelled through the room, clearly annoyed of the way how Kaidan took care of Rahna. Kaidan obeyed, leaving Rahna to settle herself on the chair, and as much as he wanted to bring his chair closer to her, he just wasn't allowed to. Two glasses of water where place in the middle of the table, Kaidan wanted to grab a glass to give it to Rahna, but again, he wasn't allowed to. Vyrnnus took a deep breath as they both sat silently in their chairs now, Rahna was visibly shaking, but Vyrnnus didn't care much about it.

"People die on the battlefield. Are you going to cry over all of them?" He referred to Rahna, Kaidan's head snapped up at that, his eyes boring holes into Vyrnnus' head as his anger grew again and Kaidan couldn't hold his tongue anymore.

"He was just a child!" Vyrnnus stood up at that and slammed his fist into Kaidan's face. He didn't fell off the chair, but the punch was hard making him see the stars, his entire face pulsing with pain. Rahna gasped as she witnessed what just happened, silent tears fell down her face and she was scared again, this time for Kaidan's life. Vyrnnus leaned his face inches away from Kaidan's, his black turian eyes never breaking eye contact.

"You're playing the hero again, Alenko. Watch your tongue, or I will make sure you lose it." Vyrnnus settles back in his chair, his arms crossed in front of his chest. Kaidan's face was burning from the punch, his jaw slowly getting numb as he tasted the blood in his mouth. Vyrnnus saw Rahna and her shaking body, he watched her and she could feel his eyes on her. Slowly and hesitantly she lifted her head to meet his gaze, Vyrnnus saw how scared she was of him, which only gave him an amount of satisfaction. He took a deep breath as an idea crossed his mind.

"Why don't you take a glass of water? You're upset, drink it to calm yourself a little." His voice was low, and dear God even sweet. Rahna didn't know what to do so she glanced over at Kaidan, who still held his jaw with his hand, a small amount of blood going down his lips. He nodded to her, telling her she should do what Vyrnnus says. Rahna took a deep breath to steel her mind and body, Kaidan's hurt face never leaving her mind, then she remembered poor Willy and the tears dwelled up in her eyes again. She stood up from her chair, and reached her hand out for a glass of water. Vyrnnus watched her, his narrowed black eyes staring at the girl who had biotic abilities, yet she stood up and reached her hand out to the glass.

Something snapped in Vyrnnus, is this what I'm training her for, he thought as his anger grew and grew, until he couldn't hold it anymore. He stood up from his chair, and just when Rahna was about to reach the glass, he used all force he had and slammed his hand on Rahna's reached out hand. He had augmented armor, his hand now hard and heavy as stone, and with a loud crack, Rahna cried out in pain, her right hand broken, badly. She fell back on the floor, her cries filling the room. Kaidan sat in his chair as the image of Rahna lying hurt on the floor, screaming in agony, her arm broken, reaches his mind. Without thinking he stood up and punched the turian Commander in his face, very hard. Vyrnnus lost his control completely, he grabbed Kaidan by his collar as he started to hit Kaidan's nose with his forehead, brutally. Then he punched his stomach, and Kaidan didn't knew how much longer he could take the beating. He pushed Kaidan on the floor, he hitting the floor with his head badly as the blood seeped from his nose. He still heard Rahna screaming, he glanced quickly at her and saw her right hand almost broken in half, the blood squirting from an open wound that caused the broken bone. Kaidan turned his head back to Vyrnnus, he was getting closer to him and his eyes fell to his hand, Kaidan panicked as he saw the Commander approaching him with a knife in his hand. Kaidan saw his life flashing before him as he desperately tried to get up, or even get away, but he couldn't, his head was throbbing with pain and his vision blurry.

"I never liked you, Alenko. Now I have the opportunity the get rid of you...the both of you." Something snapped in Kaidan. He understood, he even accepted, that Vyrnnus wanted to kill him. But why Rahna? What has she ever done to him? The questions kept popping up in his mind and he couldn't ignore the rush of anger and adrenaline through his body any longer.

Suddenly he found the strength to stand up, suddenly the blue-purple light of his biotic abilities engulfed him, his anger growing to the degree where he couldn't hold his powers under control anymore. Kaidan stood now, a few feet away from the Commander, his biotics flaring around him ready to be launched. Vyrnnus saw his biotics flaring and he laughed mockingly at Kaidan, showing him that he isn't scared of him or his abilities. He launched on Kaidan, which was a terrible mistake. Without the time to react, without really knowing what happened in these mere seconds, he felt immense pain in his face, the pain unbearable. Kaidan lifted his leg towards Vyrnnus' face as he launched on him, his entire biotic strength directed into that leg. Vyrnnus' head snapped aside, his eyes widening at the pain until he flew back into the wall. Something cracked, very loud, Kaidan was sure of that, and he immediately knew what cracked when he saw Vyrnnus lying on the floor, not moving and his head falling aside in an abnormal way. Kaidan's temper lowered as he saw the turian Commander dead, he turned to Rahna and saw she was lying unconscious on the floor, and he panicked. He ran back to her, the blood still fresh on his face, but he didn't care. Right now, it was Rahna who mattered.

"Rahna? Rahna!" He tried to wake her up but she just lied in his arms, not responding to his calls or shakes of her body. Without thinking he stood up and pushed the emergency button on the wall. Every room had this button in case something happened somewhere to the kids. He stood there as the alarm rang, staring down at Rahna, his Rahna lying almost lifeless on the floor. Tears dwelled up in his eyes, his body started to shake and the pain slowly took over his body as he calmed down a bit. He glanced at Vyrnnus and finally he realized what exactly he did.

You killed your Commander, Kaidan...

He thought to himself when the medics started to enter the briefing room, one immediately running to Vyrnnus and kneeling down next to him. He watched the medic inspecting the Commander, looking at his demolished neck. The medic turned to the other medics and shook her head, showing them the Commander is indeed dead. Two of the medics came to Rahna and lifted her on the emergency bed, before they made their way out to the medic station. One approached Kaidan and inspected his face, his nose, his body...suddenly Kaidan felt weary as the events slowly reached his mind, the pain in his face increasing and becoming unbearable.

He fell on the floor, and later, much later, he woke up in the medical station lying on the bed. His eyes adjusted to the bright light of the room, his face pulsing because of pain. Suddenly he panicked and hastily stood up from the bed, hoping to see Rahna in the same room, but he was alone. He saw some clean clothes placed neatly on the shelf, he changed them and put the hospital clothes on his bed, before he made his way out. He saw his two of Rahna's friends standing outside a room, talking and he decided to go to them. When the two spotted Kaidan they stopped talking, instead they stared at him, their eyes wide and and narrowed. Kaidan wanted to enter what he thought was Rahna's room, but one of them grabbed his wrist, stopping him immediately.

"It's better if you don't enter Kaidan." One of them told him and his heart started to race in his chest once again. He turned to them with a questioning and pleading look on his face.

"What happened? Why can't I enter?" The two of them glanced at one another before Rahna's friend Ina spoke to Kaidan.

"She's, um, sleeping. Come back later." Kaidan turned to the door and heard people whispering inside, she was awake. But why would they lie to me, he wondered as he ignored Ina's warnings and pleas to stop. Kaidan entered and saw the small circle of friends around Rahna, and his heart felt lighter the moment their eyes locked, although the smile disappeared from her face as she looked at him. Kaidan entered the room and came next to her, Rahna turned her head away from him as he sat down next to her, and his heart clenched in his chest as he saw that. He tried to take her hand in his but she snatched her hand away as soon as she felt him. Kaidan tried to realize what was going on so he glanced up at their friends, but they avoided his gaze too. He looked back at Rahna and saw she was starting to tremble.

"Rahna?" Was all he managed to say as the lump in his throat grew bigger, making him unable to talk. She sobbed aloud a few times and he couldn't hold his curiosity any longer.

"Rahna...what happened?" Then she turned back to him, sadness crossing her beautiful face, his heart tightening even more.

"Who are you?" Her voice was low and filled with sadness, though he didn't understand what she meant by that. He was still Kaidan, her Kaidan.

"Rahna what-"

"Where is the sweet, lovely, caring and calm Kaidan I know?" He still didn't understand her, he tried to take her hand in his again, but again she snatched her hand away from his, her sobs filing the room as she did so. Kaidan stared wide at her, not realizing what happened that made her angry at him.

"Rahna...what have I done?" His voice was desperate, trembling, the lump in his throat getting bigger and bigger. Rahna shook her head as she closed her eyes, the tears slowly rolling down her face.

"You killed him Kaidan...you lost control. That's what happened." Her voice was barely above a whisper, but still he understood what she wanted to say. Kaidan blinked a few times as he tried to process what she just said, his heart beating frantically in his chest.

"Rahna...he would've killed me if I hadn't been faster." She smiled bitterly at that.

"You could've knocked him out, injure him...but not kill him Kaidan." Then her eyes met his, and all he could see in them was fear and sadness.

"I'm scared..." Her voice trialed off before she took a deep breath so she could finish her sentence.

"...of you...Kaidan. You frighten me." And with these simple words she shattered his heart, his mind empty. He couldn't breathe, let alone think clearly as he heard that his Rahna was scared of him. He blinked a few timeshis throat and mouth suddenly dry as he tried to talk to her.

"Rahna...it's still me, Kaidan..." His voice was desperate again, he leaned closer to hug her, but she shied away from him, turning her head away and refusing to look at him.

"Kaidan...please...leave. I don't know who you are anymore." That broke him completely, that tore his heart out of his chest. He simply sat there, unable to move, unable to breath, unable to think as he watched her sad, tired and bruised face, the tears still falling down her cheeks. Kaidan felt empty, alone, abandoned...his Rahna told him to leave, his Rahna started to hate him...his Rahna.

Slowly he stood up from the bed, his mind empty and distant, like he was trapped in a nightmare. He made his way out of her room like a walking zombie, like the life he still had was slowly drifting away from him, leaving back an empty wreck. He was crying silently as he made his way back to his room in HQ. He collapsed on his bed as the events of the day slowly started to catch up on him, he lied face down on his bed and buried his face in a pillow, and he cried like he hadn't in a long time. All burdens he had fell on him at that moment, he remembered his mother, his father, he remembered the life he had...and he remembered Rahna. Rahna was everything he had in this life, she was the dearest thing he had around here. But that seemed lost now...

And he was right. In the next few months they barely saw each other. She was avoiding him and he didn't want to bother her. He hoped if he kept his distance that she would return to him in time, that she could forgive him, but it only made it worse. It came to that point that she took separate classes, separate training grounds...everything, only to avoid him. She was scared of him, frightened, and that thought broke him. All he wanted was to hold her, and one day if the universe allowed so, even marry her. But that was gone now, all hope to a future with her...gone...because he lost control. He watched her from a distance, watched her laugh, smile, relaxing...but all of it disappeared when she spotted him, and he hated himself for that.

A few days before BAaT was shut down he received a letter from her which said that she's sorry for the things that happened between them, and that she always wanted to be more to him. She told him she was returning to earth to her parents, and, if he changed and became the old Kaidan again, he could come and visit her. Kaidan looked into the emptiness of space outside his window, looking into the darkness and thinking about the past months. He would change, he would become a different person...

But he would never be the same Kaidan again...


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, sorry for the delay, I had my struggles around the chapter, but I hope you will like it.

Thanks to the lovely **Aquamonkey **for encouraging me to write this, and later for checking my errors. Of course, all errors are my own.

Hope you'll enjoy :-)

####

"You're exaggerating, Joker." A nice woman's voice, filled with a slight note of sarcasm broke his deep thoughts. Apparently, she and Joker were talking about something...wait, who is she anyway?

"Well, Commander, that's the official story the Council made us believe, but there's somethingbigger going on here, I know it." Commander Shepard then? Kaidan heard her voice, but he didn't dare to turn and look at her. It was as if her voice...scared him to that point where he dare not look. She chuckled then at Joker's mistrust, and Kaidan found it to be a...very pleasant sound coming from her. Their little banter was interrupted by Captain Anderson requesting the Commander in the comm room where Nihlus headed a fewmoments ago.

"Watch yourself Captain, I think Nihlus is headed your way." Joker warned the Captain, but the Captain just sighed and probably shookhis head.

"He is already here." The Captain warned him, Kaidan glanced at Joker and shook his head, an annoyed expression on his face. Shepard chuckled again when the Captain warned Joker about Nihlus' presence, and Kaidan couldn't help but spare a sideways glance at her. That was the first time he saw her and he had to admit it...she was breathtaking.

Her shoulder length red hair, her sky blue eyes, the small scar on her left brow, her full stretched lips, her small nose...he memorized them in just thesefew seconds. He wondered how a Commander, a soldier, who had such a horrid past could be so beautiful, so astonishing...breathtaking. But there was something about her eyes, something sad, as if she wore a mask over her face and her eyes being the only thing the mask couldn't hide. Then he realized he was staring at her longer than he intended to and he hastily turned his head back to the control screen as she started to turn her head his way.

"You got it Commander?" Joker asked her and she just sighed.

"Great, now you pissed off the Captain and now I'm going to be the punching bag." She said it with a note of sarcasm and Joker had to comment.

"The Captain is usually pissed off these days." Kaidan felt a smile creeping up his face and he couldn't help but comment as he stared at the control screen.

"Only when he's talking to you." Shepard turned and started to leave before she heard his voice, suddenly she stopped and a shiver ran down her spine, all the way down to her toes. Dear God...that voice. She dared to turn her head to look at the Lieutenant over her shoulder, luckily he was turned to the screen so he hadn't seen her staring at him. She straightened her spine and made her way out of the bridge towards the comm room. Earlier, she chuckled at Joker when he said that something was wrong here, but she felt it too. Something was definitely wrong, and a while later, her suspicions were proved to be right.

They were to recover a damaged Prothean Beacon from Eden Prime, and as it seems this mission was importantto Shepard, because Nihlus wasn't just here to keep an eye on the crew. He was here to evaluate her, to see if she is fit to join the Specters. After the meeting, Shepard went to the second, lower floor of the Normandy. She needed to grab her equipment from her locker so she could meet the rest of thecrew down in the engineering room, where Lieutenant Alenko and Corporal Jenkins already waited for her. She hastily took her equipment and took the elevator to the engineering room, they would soon land on Eden Prime and the mission required their focus. She entered the engineering room and saw Alenko and Jenkins standing near the Mako, equipped and ready for the mission. Nihlus stood a few feet away from them and Shepard rolled her eyes as she saw him. Shepard approached them, her walk gracious and determined, and that was the first time Kaidan laid eyes upon her. She was tall, slender, her body toned and her heavy armor fitting her well. Her face was stiff with focus, but her eyes were...empty again.

She greeted them with a nod andKaidan and Jenkins did the same. Kaidan tore his eyes away from her as she stood between him and Jenkins. Captain Anderson came to them and explained what they needed to do, Shepard nodded to him before she entered the Mako, Jenkins right behind her. Kaidan entered as last, his mind still thinking about Rahna and his last painful moments with her, and how he wished to change it. He sat down on his seat and put on his seat belts, his eyes and mind distant. He dared a sideways glance at Shepard and saw she was fumbling on the controls of theMako, preparing everything for the landing. Suddenly he stopped thinking about Rahna, his mind now thinking about those sad, distant blue eyes. He tore his eyes away from her when she settled back into her seat, everything was ready for the mission and he had to ban the thoughts about Rahna and Shepard's eyes, or he would get himselfkilled.

Shepard stared at him for a while on her review mirror, seeing that something is bothering him, eating away at him, but she didn't want to question him, not when they're on a mission. She saw him staring at her in the mirror a while ago and she wondered what he was thinking about, what was bothering him so much that he had locked himself away in his mind. Shepard pushed a few last buttons until everything was ready to land, then she took a deep breath as her hands gripped the steering wheel.

"Lieutenant."

"Yes ma'am?" Kaidan's head snapped up as he heard her calling him. She was staring before her,her face focused and her hands tightly holding the steering wheel. Then she turned her head to him, her usually empty blue eyes now filled with compassion as a small smile graced her face.

"Whatever is bothering you lieutenant, don't let it kill you down there." With that she turned her head away from him. Kaidan was stunned, confused and...thrilled. How could she even know that something bothered him?

"Yes ma'am." His voice was low and husky, and again Shepard felt a shiver running down her spine and all the way to her toes. She took a deep breath as she waited for Joker to open the hatch so they could jump out and start the mission. Sometimes he would glue his eyes on her, watch her, observing her. He wondered if she could see right through him, if she was pained as well as him, and again she was in his mind and her empty, sky blue eyes. Suddenly he wanted to get to know her and hear of the reasons responsible for the emptiness in her eyes.

####

The mission on Eden Prime was over, the beacon destroyed and Shepard lay unconscious on the emergency bed, because of him and his recklessness. He felt guilty for bringing her in such a state and he decided to apologize for that once she was awake. He took the moment to study her body, her face...he took a chair and sat a few feet away from her, but still he could see her clearly. His hands were folded under his chin, his forearms leaned on his knees and his eyes narrowed while observing her sleeping body. His eyes wandered across her body, from her long toned legs, up to her hips, her torso and finally, her face. He remembered then the moment when she turned to him in the Mako, her face wearing a small smile.

Don't let it kill you down there...

He sighed as he felt a migraine slowly starting to make him weary. His eyes trailed over her body again, admiring her beauty, her figure. It was as if she knew he was abandoned long time ago, as if she knew he still clung desperately to the past, unable to forget Rahna. She was burned into his mind, her name, her smile, her face...he spent many nights drinking and drinking, only to forget her for the night. He did forget her, but he remembered her in the morning, and the only thing he gained was a headache.

He stared at Commander Shepard's still and sleeping form, wondering what her life must have been like on the streets, alone and abandoned. They had one thing in common, both were abandoned a long time ago and he wondered if she had recovered from the shock, or if she still clung to the past, unable to let go, unable to move on. He locked his eyes on her face then, wondering what kind of person she is when she was off duty. Somehow she slowly invaded his mind, her eyes making him concerned and worried about her, even though he didn't know her. His mind was split intotwo; one half was thinking about Rahna and the days he spent with her, the other half was thinking about Shepard and her empty eyes. He didn't know why, but he felt drawn towards her, like he had to be around her...and he had the feeling she would understand his suffering, if only he let her in his mind.

Suddenly her body stirred and Kaidan jumped up from his chair. He was here the entire time, fifteen hours if he remembered correctly. Everyone else left to do their jobs, leaving Shepard alone to recover, but he couldn't leave her. He awoke many times alone in the hospital back on Jump Zero, wishing that someone he knew was there with him. That's why he stayed, he didn't want her to wake up and see she was alone. At least a familiar face will make her feel more comfortable and secure, he thought as he leaned a bit closer to her while resting his hands on the bed, her eyes slowly opening and adjusting to the dim light as he stared down at her. Her blue eyes immediately spotted his and Kaidan felt his heart skip a beatas she stared at him.

"Ma'am." Shepard slowly tried to sit up, but her headache was just too strong, the effort tiring her. She almost fell back again on the bed but Kaidan's hands stopped the fall. He supported her back, not letting her to fall back as she rubbed her forehead, her eyes closed and her body stiff. Without thinking she leaned into him, her breathing deep and even. Her mind was still spinning around her as she tried to find out where she was and what happened to her. Kaidan watched her, his eyes looking at her and enjoying her relaxed body in his arms. His heartbeat was frantic, but he managed to keep his breathing calm. She lifted her face a little towards his, it was then she realized just how close they were, how his hands steadied her back, how his breath tickled the skin onher forehead...how his chocolate eyes filled with concern and worry looked` into hers. Shepard felt uncomfortable and she hastily changed her posture, trying to sound well and authoritative.

"Lieutenant? Where are the other's?" Her voice was low but tough and he had to swallow hard as he slowly and hesitantly retrieved his hands from her, but still he stayed close to her in case she fell again. "They're all doing their business ma'am." Shepard stared up at Kaidan again, lifting one eyebrow at him as her headache decreased a little, probably from the calming dim light.

"And you, lieutenant? Don't you have any business to attend to?" She was just curious, and she scolded herself mentally as her voice seemed tougher then she intended it to be. Kaidan watched her face closely, until his eyes fell on hers, his heart skipping a beat.

"No, ma'am. I thought it would be nice that someone is here when you awake. That's all." Shepard stared into his chocolate eyes, unable to look away, even unable to breathe for a while. His gaze was pinning her, but there was something sad in those wonderful eyes. To her he seemed broken, lost and alone. As if he had a rough life, just like her. Sure, he was on Jump Zero and it wasn't easy up there, but she was certain that something grave happened to him from which he couldn't recover. That would also explain the distant look on his face on Eden Prime when he thought nobody was looking.

Kaidan swallowed hard as he saw her staring at him, and he somehow felt ashamed as he realized he was staring at her too. He broke the gaze and lowered his head a little, his cheeks burning red with embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to-"

"Commander Shepard." Captain Anderson and Doctor Chakwas came inand Shepard found the strength to stand up from the bed to greet the Captain. Kaidan was still close to her in case she fell again, but not too close tomake her feel uncomfortable. Anderson asked Shepard about what happened on Eden Prime, and he was surprised to hear that Saren turned on the Council and that he killed Nihlus, his fellow Specter. Kaidan excused himself and walked out of the room as Doctor Chakwas started to examine Shepard, just to make sure there's no permanent damage. Shepard watched him leave, her eyes following his back, she saw his broken and worried posture so she made a mental note to talk with him later, to see if he's fine.

She was in the room with Anderson for half an hour or so, talking about the Beacon and the vision it burned into her mind. Anderson promised to arrange a meeting with the Council to tell them about the recent events, and that Saren had gone rogue. Anderson took his leave, leaving Shepard alone, finally. She was weary and annoyed, and she needed to be alone for a while. She closed her eyes for a moment to process all that happened today. The vision she received played in her mind, over and over, making her head ache from the unclear images. Suddenly her mind showed her images of her past, images she desperately wanted to forget. For a brief moment she let her mind wander off to her past, to the life she led on the streets, mostly alone with noone to look after her. She was only a child, eight years old, when her damned, revolting family abandoned her. She remembered the time she came home from school, she got an A in art and she ran back home, happy and excited, holding the painting she had made in her hand. The painting showed her mommy and daddy, she was standing between them in a red dress, a bright big yellow sun in the blue sky. They were standing on a lawn, colourful flowers decorating the lawn around them. She remembered the picture as if it was yesterday, and her heart clenched at the memory.

####

She entered her home and ran into the kitchen yelling 'Mommy, mommy, I have something to show you'. When she came to the kitchen and saw it was empty, she made her way out to the living room, and again no one was there. Then she ran to Mommy's and Daddy's bedroom to surprise them, a bright smile on her face and the painting held tightly across her chest.

"Mommy?" She said as she slowly opened the door, only to see the emptiness of the room. Sad and disappointed, she made her way back to the kitchen to see if there's something to eat. She opened the fridge and saw a bottle of milk, she took the bottle and took a bowl to put her favourite cereals in it. Mommy taught her to put the cereals first so she knows how much milk to put in. She sat on the large dining table and ate her cereals, the painting next to her on the table in case Mommy and Daddy return. She ate her cereals and went into her room to do the homework, just like she always does after a meal. A while later she was finished, but her parents were still away. She decided to go to the living room to watch TV, her favourite cartoons would start soon and she didn't want to miss them, she sat down on the couch and placed the painting next to her.

A few hours later all of her favourite cartoons have passed and it was 8pm, she turned off the TV and went to lock the entry door, just like Mommy taught her. Then she made her way back into her room, she put on her pajamas with her favourite cartoon character on it before she lay down on the bed. She hugged her teddy bear close to her, usually Mommy would read her a good night story, but Mommy nor Daddy were here. She clung to her teddy bear as a few tears made their way down her face, she missed Mommy and Daddy and she only hoped they would return tomorrow. She was thinking about a story Mommy told her about and luckily, it was enough for her to lull her into sleep.

####

Her eyes opened as she desperately tried to stop the past from invading her mind, from remembering the bloody evening. No eight year old schoolgirl deserves to come home and see her parents aren't there, and no girl deserves to be left alone by her parents, for God knows what reason! Shepard cradled her face in her palms as she tried to focus on today, she tried to banish the memories that slowly stared to invade her mind, but her mind became even more cruel. Now, it showed her images of her first unit in the Alliance...

"Now you'll stop thinking Shepard...this is the point where you stop thinking at all." She spoke to herself as she gently started to rock back and forth, her face still cradled in her palms. Depression and fear overwhelmed her as she remembered her unit going down, one by one, losing friend after friend, and her being unable to change or do anything. She breathed heavily now, her chest heaving up and down as her lungs desperately tried to catch breath. The memories became only worse and Shepard stared wide eyed on the tiles on the floor, counting how many of them are placed within a feet. She thought about what she ate earlier that morning, anything, just to stop her mind from conjuring up her past, just to stop showing her how miserable she really is.

"I won't think about it anymore...I won't!" She spoke to herself again as she started to pull her hair, hoping the pain would distract her mind from her past. Suddenly she felt the air growing thick, it was hard to breathe, the room slowly starting to spin around her, making her even more dizzy. Without the will to see if she would fall unconscious again or not, she made her way out of the room. She felt that if she stayed here a second longer than necessary she would go insane, and that wouldn't be good. She walked towards her quarters, sad, alone and depressed, not that she was tired, but it was late and she was certain that everyone is asleep by now. Suddenly she spotted Kaidan near her quarters fumbling something on the nearby panel. She stopped and observed him for a while, wondering what he was doing there so late.

"Lieutenant?" Kaidan stopped whatever he was doing and turned his head to where the voice came, he immediately recognized it as Shepard's voice calling him. He straightened his spine and rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand, he was happy that she came to him though, now he had the chance to apologize for what happened to her because of him. She walked graciously towards him, her face wearing an unreadable expression as she stopped before him. He saw her troubled, hidden face and he wondered if something happened to her again.

"Ma'am? Are you well?" Shepard smile da little, her mind still heavy and troubled but she had to find all her strength to hide it from Kaidan. He saw her struggle, and he knew that something bothered her because he was the same when something bothered him.

"I'm well, Alenko. Thanks for asking." Then the pair were silent for a while and she took that time to study his face. He was looking at the floor, clearly avoiding her gaze. Maybe he was embarrassed for the way they stared at each other in the medical room. Or was it the fact that he lost a friend today? Shepard wanted to talk with him about Jenkins, but she was afraid to say the wrong thing. Still, she couldn't hold her curiosity.

"You okay Alenko? You were pretty much shocked about Jenkins death..." Kaidan nodded to her, his head lowered a little as the memory of Jenkins death came back. He didn't knew him for long, but Jenkins was a good lad, a drinking buddy, and he was sad that he lost him. Kaidan looked up at her, his heart skipping a beat when he saw her watching him.

"I'm fine ma'am. I just need to process it, that's all." He became silent for a while then, not sure how to approach the subject.

"Ma'am? I wanted to apologize for bringing you in danger on Eden Prime. It was reckless of me, and I'm sorry." She blinked rapidly at him as she heard his apology. She didn't know why he was apologizing, she was their Commander and it was her job to watch over them. Still, his apology touched her and she couldn't help but send him a reassuring smile.

"No harm done Alenko. We finished the job, and that's what matters, right? Besides, you couldn't have known that something would happen at all, so don't worry." She still smiled at him, and he couldn't help but smile too. She seems to be a nice person, he thought as he swallowed again. This time he wanted to apologize for him staring at her back at the medical room, and slowly he grew nervous.

"Ma'am, and I'm sorry for...for staring at you back in the medical room. It was rude of me." Her smile vanished, her confused face now staring at him. He saw her puzzled expression and wondered what caused it. Shepard smiled a little, the corner of her mouth going up slightly as she grinned at him. Kaidan watched her and wondered what made her grin at him like that, although the grin was rather...flirtatious.

"Off the record, Alenko, I think I stared at you as much as you did at me. So I think we're even." He chuckled then, she was very nice it seems, he thought as he leaned his hand on the nearby wall.

"Off the record, you say?" She leaned her right hand on her hip and chuckled as well sending him a cheeky smile, and Kaidan found it to be a very relaxing sound coming from her.

"Yes, do you want to tell me something off the record too, lieutenant?" Dear God Shepard, what are you doing? You're flirting with the lieutenant, you know you aren't allowed to do that, right? She scolded herself as she leaned her body on the nearby wall, still facing him, her hands now crossed in front of her chest. Kaidan watched her closely, he was surprised to see her flirting with him and he didn't know how to respond to that. Although he couldn't help but flirt back as he saw her eyes lighting up.

"Well ma'am, there are a lot of things to say off the record, so you have to be more specific on that matter." She chuckled again, but this time much louder and her shoulder's worked as her chuckle turned into a small laugh. He watched her, his eyes resting on her face as she closed her eyes to laugh. He watched her mouth, her lips, her relaxed and laughing face...and he couldn't help but feel happy as he saw her usual empty eyes and face relaxed, because of him. He stared at her again but this time he didn't have the feeling he's being rude. Even if he wanted though, he couldn't tear his eyes away from her laughing face, she was just too beautiful not to look at.

Shepard stopped laughing and saw his intense gaze on her and the small smile on his face. She still chuckled, but the chuckle died more and more as she realized just how he was watching her. There was a note of worry in his eyes, his face was smiling at her, but his eyes gave him away. Suddenly she was pinned by his gaze again, that worried, troubled, broken gaze of his. It was as if he's looking straight into her soul, into her heart and mind, as if he understands her without really knowing her. She looked at the floor feeling a little frightened not because of the way he stared at her, but because she was afraid he would see right into her troubled soul. The smile disappeared from her face completely and she looked up at him again, seeing a broken, troubled and scared man hiding behind a mask, just like her.

Kaidan saw her smile disappearing as well as his, now they were staring at each other, their eyes not breaking eye contact. He felt as if she was looking right through him, as if they're getting to know each other by just staring at one another...as if that was enough for him to know her troubles. He wanted to tell her about his life, badly, but he was scared to simply talk about it to anyone. He considered his past with Rahna a dream as long as he didn't have to talk about it. As soon as he talked about it, he thought, he would sink into the truth which would shatter him completely. He didn't realize he swallowed hard, multiple times, the intensity of her gaze making him all sweaty and breathing heavily.

Shepard saw the tension on his face, she feared he was like that because of her so she broke the eye contact, instead staring at her crossed arms. She swallowed too and the situation grew rather...uncomfortable. She took a deep breath and forced a smile on her face as she looked up at him again.

"Well, anyway...tomorrow is a long day so...good night Alenko." He nodded to her and swallowed hard to be able to speak.

"Good night...Shepard." Her name was a mere whisper, she froze at the sound of her name leaving his lips. She looked one last time at him before she made her way to her quarters. She locked the door with the security password, with her back to the door, her heart thrumming in her chest and her eyes wide.

Did he just called me Shepard?

Not that she minded though, it was wonderful to hear that but...why is she blushing so hard? Why did her heart thrum that wildly when she heard him saying her name, or when he stared at her with a gaze full with concern and worry? She didn't know the answer, and to be honest, she couldn't think straight anymore. She changed into her pajamas and lay down on the bed. She squeezed her eyes shut and prayed that her mind will not torture her with her past. Luckily she fell asleep before it could bring back her memories.

####

Kaidan went to his locker in the engineering room, he forgot something so he went there before he would go to sleep. He was in deep thought, still thinking about the conversation with Shepard. She tried hard to hide her tension and worry, but Kaidan saw it, he felt it. He didn't know how he knew or why, maybe because he's broken and shattered as well? Who knows, but he would be there for her whenever she needed him as well as keep his distance from her. His thoughts were interrupted when the door to the elevator opened, he walked hastily to his locker. Everyone was asleep, the noises coming from the engine's filling the room. He opened his locker and took his shirt, he changed into the new one and pushed the old shirt back into his locker. Suddenly his eyes fell on the small calendar he glued on the locker's door. He took a close look on it and saw today's day marked in red. It was May 25...and his heart clenched when he remembered the importance of the date. Now he knew why he thought of Rahna the entire day, why the memories of her invaded his mind.

It was her 30th birthday.


	3. Chapter 3

A big thanks to **Aquamonkey **for helping me to write this chapter. It's a bit longer but I hope you'll enjoy it.

And of course, thanks to my lovely readers and reviewers for encouraging me to continue to write it.

####

Her birthday...dear God how could I forget that?

Kaidan scolded himself for forgetting Rahna's birthday. It's not like he would send her a gift, but whenever her birthday came he remembered the last birthday he spent with her. The last gift he gave her was on her fifteenth birthday, fifteen years ago, while they were on Jump Zero. He remembered the day as if it was yesterday. He remembered her surprised face when she entered her room, noticing the many balloons on the walls and her close circle of friends all yelling 'surprise' when she came in. Her face lit up, her eyes wide with surprise as she started to hug everyone. Kaidan stood aside, waiting for her to come to him. After she hugged everyone she turned to him, her smile even wider than before as she slowly closed the distance between them. She threw her hands around his neck and he hugged her waist, her face leaned against his cheek as the happy tears finally made their way down her face.

"You did this, right?" She broke the hug to look at him, he saw a few tears seeping down her face and he washed them away with his thumbs.

"I thought you might like it. Happy Birthday Rahna." She threw her hands around his neck again and he hugged her back, her small body fitting perfectly against his.

"Thank you so much Kaidan." Then she broke the hug again and walked away from him to the large dining table where the birthday cake waited for her. She blew the candles and everyone applauded her for blowing every single candle out. She cut the cake and gave everyone a piece of it. It was a silent party though, the last thing they needed is Vyrnnus finding out about it. It was past midnight, everyone else was asleep so it was easy to arrange a surprise party. Luckily, today wasn't such a rough day so they were not that tired.

Everyone talked with Rahna, Kaidan talked with Jason, one of Rahna's friends, about today's training and stuff. Jason had a crush on Ina and Kaidan gave him several advices on how to approach her. He glanced at her from time to time during the talk with Jason, seeing her relaxed and happy face made him happy, too. He sipped his beer and watched her, always from a distance, never getting too close or too far away from her. He would be there if she needed him, but he would also give her the necessary space she needs for herself.

She gave him a sideways glance and his heart immediately jumped, his pulse quickened and his smile got wider the moment he saw her looking at him. She stopped talking with her friend and came towards him, a wide smile on her face. Jason left to talk with Ina, to see if Kaidan's advices would be of any use. Kaidan was leaned on the wall, his eyes never leaving Rahna as she finally stopped before him, her face lighting up and her eyes shining at him.

"So...you're to blame for this?" She said teasingly and he put a hand to his heart.

"Guilty." She laughed at the display of him being so childish. She liked the childish side of him, it always made her laugh. Rahna came closer and stopped next to Kaidan, leaning her back on the wall while drinking her drink. Kaidan could smell her now, it was a light scent of mango coming form her hair, the scent slowly clouding his mind. He closed his eyes to inhale deeply, hoping to memorize the smell, wishing it would never leave his nose. She glanced up at him and saw his closed eyes and she couldn't help but chuckle. His eyes fell open as he heard her chuckle, and when he realized she knew why he closed his eyes he had to chuckle too.

"That's mango, with a note of honey. It's a new shampoo my mother sent me from earth." Kaidan drank his beer, his eyes never leaving her smiling face.

"I figured as much. It's a nice smell though." She smiled up at him, their bodies closer now as she looked at him from under her eyelashes.

"Really? I think it's horrible. But I guess I should believe you."

"Believe me Rahna. It's wonderful...you're wonderful." He hadn't realize what he said as he became once again mesmerized by her beauty, his voice husky and deep. Then he realized what he said and he scolded himself for that, fearing that he would push her away from him.

"I'm sorry, Rahna, I didn't mean to-"

"No. It's kind off...sweet...I like it." Then she placed a kiss on his cheek, and again his heart threatened to explode as he felt her soft lips pressed on his cheek. It was a quick kiss, a kiss that would haunt his mind for days now. She looked up at him, her cheeks pink and a small smile gracing her face as she gently took his hand in hers. He stared into those dark brown, shining eyes, and again he was mesmerized, again his heart almost jumped out of his chest as he felt her soft and warm hand holding his.

"Thank you Kaidan...for everything. It means a lot to me, to have such a friend like you." Kaidan froze at those words, his heart almost stopping as she turned and left to go to the other's. He was unable to move as his mind processed her word's, his heart tightening in his chest. Suddenly it was hard to breathe, and he couldn't help but get out of the room. He ignored Rahna's voice calling him to come back, he couldn't go back...he needed to be alone for a while. Her words still haunted him as he locked the door with the security lock. He fell on the bed and almost cried his eyes out as he remembered her words...

A friend...

Rahna...how can you not see you mean the world to me?

####

Shepard walked through the Normandy inspecting if everything is ready for the next mission on Noveria. They had to stop Saren in finding the Conduit, and the lead led them to Noveria. She was a Spectre now, the first human Spectre no less, and she gained the Normandy from Captain Anderson, telling her she had to stop Saren at all cost. The Council believed her in Saren being a traitor, but they ignored her vision and the story about the reapers. She was annoyed and frustrated, and she was glad that she got out of the Citadel with her new ship.

She barely slept the night, not because of the nightmares of her past. She was at unease from an unknown reason, something troubled her deeply and what's worst, she didn't knew what. She walked through the Normandy like a living corpse, her eyes were tired, her neck muscles were stiff, her head hurt...it was as if she exercised the entire day, even then she wouldn't be that exhausted. She walked towards the bridge and on halfway there she bumped into Kaidan. He was in deep thought as well as her and they haven't seen each other.

Kaidan lowered his head and rubbed the back of his neck as Shepard crossed her hands in front of her chest. He dared to look up to her and saw she was in no mood for talking or fooling around, something troubled her deeply, and Kaidan wished she would talk to him about her problems.

"Sorry Commander, I haven't seen you coming." Commander, is it? Shepard furrowed her eyebrows together and glared down at him. She was annoyed from the entire situation, and now he calls her Commander? Despite the fact she stopped calling him lieutenant? That hurt her, though she didn't knew why she even bothered.

"Watch where you're going...lieutenant." Was all she said before she strode past him, saying 'lieutenant' with a slightly annoyed and bitter tone in her voice. She felt his eyes on her back and she had the urge to stop and go back to him...to talk her soul out to him, to finally get rid of this burden, even for a little...

But no. She was his Commander...not Shepard or ma'am...but Commander. She stopped next to Joker and crossed her hands in front of her chest, her eyes narrowed and eyebrows furrowed together. Joker noticed the pissed posture of the Commander and he swallowed hard before he spoke.

"Is everything fine, Commander? You seem pissed." And she was. She was annoyed, angry, pissed...

"Just get us down there Joker. I need to kick some ass." Joker chuckled as he heard the old Commander again, and he gladly obeyed.

"Aye, aye, Commander. Landing on Noveria in five." Five minutes later she, Alenko and Wrex were on the planet, and it seems she took the wrong choice of companions. Wrex complained the entire time that he's cold and that he needs something to kill, Alenko complained that he has snow in his boots and that he should've brought a sweater. As if she hadn't snow in her boots and as if she wasn't cold! She shook her head as they finally entered Port Hanshan after confirming their identity, it was warm here but the two still complained. She should've brought Ashley and Garrus with her, at least they wouldn't complain that much.

Later they found out that Matriarch Benezia is here, on Peak 15, and Shepard got even more eager to see what she was doing here. Then they talked with Anoleis and found out that Benezia is here on Saren's behalf, but what exactly she wanted here, he wouldn't know. After acquiring the pass to leave Port Hanshan, they finally made their way through the frozen wastelands of Noveria in the mako.

Kaidan sat silently in his seat observing Shepard who was clearly letting out her frustration and anger on theako. It was as if she's aiming to drive over every hill and stone, the mako jumping up and down, up and down, and soon he and Wrex started to give each other bothered looks. Kaidan wondered why she was so angry, nothing happened that he was aware of that could make her so angry. He gave another sideways glance to Wrex and he swore he saw fear written over the Krogan's face. That's it. Kaidan will have none of her insane driving anymore, lest she would manage to destroy the mako and kill them all.

"Shepard." Oh now I'm Shepard again, she thought as she heard him calling her but she didn't heed him. Instead, she drove over a large steep hill until they fell down. Kaidan watched her again, his migraine slowly returning and his head throbbing because of her driving and the never stopping sound of the mako engine. He took a deep breath to calm his mind and tried again.

"Shepard!" He said louder this time, thinking that she maybe didn't hear him, but Shepard smiled mischievously, still ignoring him and still driving the mako like some maniac. Kaidan sighed and shook his head as he thought he realized what could be the problem.

"Commander?"

"Yes lieutenant?" She stopped the mako and turned her head to him, an unreadable expression on her face. Kaidan watched her and realized she was mad at him for some reason. He removed the seat belts and stood up, closing the distance between them. Shepard froze in her seat and gripped the steering wheel even harder as she saw him approaching her. Kaidan stopped right next to her, leaning his hand on her seat while leaning a bit closer down to her. She could feel his heat now, and God is it hotter in here or what?

"Commander, I want to drive the Mako a little, if you're okay with that?" Shepard watched him, unable to break the eye contact and unable to yell at him because she noticed his concern for her. She saw the stiff lines of his face, his tight jaw, and she couldn't help but wonder if he was concerned about her. She looked away from him for a while and Kaidan feared that he insulted her in some way. Shepard closed her eyes for a moment to calm her mind a little. Why am I even caring what he will call me?

Without the strength to argue with him she removed her seat belts and stood up. Kaidan was surprised she would yield at all. He watched her sad and worried face as she sat on the seat where he sat a while ago, and his heart tightened in his chest. He noticed the blank look on her face, the distant eyes...what is she thinking about, he thought as he finally managed to look away from her.

He sat down and put on the seat belt's, glancing one last time at Shepard on the review mirror. She was staring at the floor, her eyes distant and her face empty. His stomach did a turn then: is she like that because I called her Commander again? He took a deep breath as he slowly started to drive the mako, his driving very calm and focused making Shepard and Wrex relax in their seats.

Shepard stared at the floor, her mind empty and her headache slowly returning. She wasn't thinking about anything, but still she felt hurt, sad and disappointed. She hoped she could talk to him, and she hoped he would talk to her, but it seems that she's Commander Shepard, before anything else. Shepard took a deep breath as she felt really sad and abandoned...again, and again her mind started to show her images of her past.

No...not here...not when he's here.

####

She came home from school, a bright smile on her face as she ate her sandwich. She received good grades again, and she couldn't wait to get home and tell mommy and daddy about her good grades. It was sunny and she wore her favourite shoes and purple, knee lenght skirt, her jacket bound around her waist. She always had a jacket with her in case it gets windy or cold. A while later she entered her home, then she entered the password to lock the door.

"Mommy, daddy, I'm home!" She yelled as she came to the kitchen, only to see it empty. Her smile and happy face was replaced by sadness and disappointment as she made her way to the fridge to see if there's something to eat. The fridge was almost empty, the cereals and milk almost gone. She lowered her head as she sat down on the dining table to do her homework. She was scared, but she didn't knew who to turn to. As far as she knew she had no aunties or uncle's she could turn to. The money she found in mommy's and daddy's bedroom was almost spent, she bought herself everyday something to eat because she didn't know how to prepare herself a meal. Her clothes were getting dirty and she didn't know how to wash them.

She sat on the couch in the living room after she finished her homework, turned on the TV and watched her favourite cartoons. Soon, she would go to bed, alone and scared. She was worried about mommy and daddy and she feared that something happened to them. But she didn't know what to do. Maybe she should turn to the police?

She took her favourite teddy bear and lied in the bed, alone and scared. She stroked the plush bears head as if to reassure him that everything is going to be fine.

"Don't worry Teddy, everything is going to be fine." She sniffed a few times and prayed to dear God that her mommy and daddy will return to her soon.

####

Kaidan was worried. They reached Peak 15 and they killed Benezia, who told them about Saren's ship Sovereign, about it's ability to control ones mind and to break his will. But everything was like a dream to him, his mind not really paying his entire attention to it. Instead, his mind was focused on Shepard and the blank and distant look on her face. She didn't said anything during the entire mission, only when they came to Benezia, only then did she talk with her, but her voice was...cold and empty and hurt. He couldn't help but stare at her, watch over her as she leaped into the fights, reckless and without thinking about the other's. Many times he had to kill a few geths that sneaked their way behind her back, she would just send him a sideways glance before she would continue to shoot the targets. Something was wrong with her, something troubled her so much that made her unwilling to talk. Even when he called her a few times asking her if she was alright, she just gave him that blank look and continued walking.

Kaidan sighed as they entered the mako, he sat down on his usual seat and started to fasten his seat belt's when suddenly Shepard stopped right next to him. He looked up at her hoping to meet her gaze but she was staring at his shoulder instead.

"Ma'am?" He dared to say as he saw her swallowing hard, her eyes empty and face sad. She took a deep breath to toughen her voice a bit before she spoke.

"You drive, lieutenant. I don't have the nerve for that." Kaidan nodded and stood up, standing close to her and trying to meet her gaze. Their bodies were very close, and that closeness made her sick somehow.

"Shepard." Her name was a mere whisper leaving his lips, his voice filled with concern. She knew why he said it, he hoped she would look up to him, meet his gaze and see into those beautiful chocolate eyes of his. But not now...not when she's so troubled. Without responding to him she sat down on the seat where he sat a while ago, trying very hard not to look up at him.

Kaidan took that as a 'go away, you're annoying me' action so he left to sit down on the drivers seat. While he drove he thought about her and those sad eyes that haunted his mind. Then he remembered the time they flirted with each other, he remembered her face and how it lighted up, all worry and sadness gone because of her honest smile. She was fine this morning...what happened to her, he wondered and decided to ask her if she came later to him on the Normandy. He drove the mako safely, as always, making Shepard and Wrex relax in their seats.

An hour later they came to Port Hanshan, Kaidan thought they would go to the hotel to have a drink, but Shepard took a wide turn from the elevator, walking instead towards the docking bay where the Normandy waited for them. Kaidan ran after her and ignored Wrex growling behind him, when he came close enough to her he decided to find out what is troubling those wonderful blue eyes.

"Shepard." But she just kept on walking, her hands crossed before her chest and her head lowered a little. Kaidan knew she wouldn't stop, but he had to make her somehow.

"Shepard...Shepard please stop." And she stopped, her back turned to him and her head still lowered.

"What is it lieutenant? We have to go back to the Normandy, our business here is done." Her voice was bitter and cold, he decided to walk and stop next to her, his eyes fixed on her sad and stiff face.

"I know Commander, we just thought that we would have a drink here before we leave. But if you want to leave, then we'll leave." Kaidan turned to Wrex and signaled him that they won't stay here. Wrex gave a disapproving sound and made his way slowly towards them. Kaidan watched Shepard and saw her eyes were now closed, her eyebrows furrowed together and her face pale like the snow outside.

Shepard understood what he truly meant behind those word's...if you want to talk to me, I'm here...that thought almost made her heart stop. She looked up at him then, her sad and worried eyes looking straight into his.

Kaidan's mouth fell open a little as their gazes finally met, his heart almost stopping from the expression she wore on her face. He swallowed hard and had to suppress the urge to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be fine. Wrex came to them and they made their leave towards the Normandy, all tired and exhausted from the mission.

A while later they all made their way towards the comm room for a debriefing. Everyone sat in a circle as they started to discuss about what they found out today. Only Shepard was silent, and everyone noticed her pissed posture. Kaidan was extremely worried about her and he wasn't quite sure of how to approach her. He wanted to be there but, he didn't want to annoy her either. He was in a dilemma: should I go to her? Should I tell her she worries me and that she can talk to me?

Luckily, Liara asked her what Kaidan struggled to ask her the entire time.

"Commander, are you well? You look pale and exhausted." Shepard readjusted in her seat but still stared at the floor.

"I'm fine, the mission was exhausting, that's all." Kaidan wasn't pleased with her answer, but luckily there were other's who weren't afraid to ask.

"You sure Commander? You look like you've seen a ghost." Ashley said aloud and Shepard still stared at the floor, still not wanting to look up to them.

"I'm fine." She flatly answered, but her crew wasn't satisfied with her answer just yet.

"Maybe Doctor Chakwas should examine you and-"

"I said I'm fine Liara!" She snapped at her, and everyone was silently observing her now. Shepard felt their eyes on her, but she couldn't force herself to lift her head to look at them. She shook her head and sighed as her headache returned, her head throbbing a little from the pain. Suddenly Joker broke the silence through the intercom.

"Commander, the Council is on the line. Want me to patch them through?" Shepard was silent for a long time, Joker called her several times, but she just hadn't the strength to answer him. Finally she lifted her head, and it shocked Kaidan when he saw just how pale she really was, like she hadn't eat in days. Shepard stood up then and straightened her spine, massaging her neck with her hand a little to brace herself for the meeting with the Council.

"Patch them through Joker. Everyone, dismissed." Everyone stood up, silently and worried as they made their way out of the comm room. Kaidan glanced at her one last time before he made his way out, his heart heavy with worry. He would wait for her at the usual place, then he would see if she would approach him. If so, he would try to cheer her up a bit, if not, he would respect her privacy, although her ignorance would break his heart. Then he stopped and couldn't help but wonder.

Why am I so worried about her?

He turned and left, his heart heavy with grief and sadness. He made his way to the lower deck of the Normandy, hoping that she would approach him again.

####

The meeting with the Council was over, thank the God, and Shepard made her way down to the second floor. Her past still bothered her and she was tired, but she doubted she could sleep at all. Her body was sore from the mission on Noveria and her mind was heavy with the painful memories, leaving her unable to relax. She was afraid to close her eyes, she would relive her past again which would make her unable to sleep. She walked towards her quarters, silent and frightened, suddenly she spotted Kaidan sitting on the large company table drinking something. She stood still for a while and considered her options. Should she go to him, or should she just walk past him? Shepard stood there for a while before she decided to walk past him, hoping to get to her room as fast as possible.

Kaidan was too absorbed in his drink but when he caught Shepard almost sneaking past him he just had to call her.

"Ma'am?" Shepard froze and cursed under her breath. She slowly turned and walked back to him forcing a small smile on her face.

"Alenko? What are you doing here? I haven't seen you..." Kaidan watched her silently, his eyes fixed on her lowered face. Kaidan took a sip from his soda drink before he spoke to her.

"I'm just relaxing a bit. Can't sleep, I'm still thinking about the stuff that happened on Noveria." Shepard came a little closer but did not sat down on the chair. She readjusted from one leg to the other as the silence grew thick in the room, making both of them uncomfortable. Kaidan watched the glass in his hands now, his mind filled with images of Shepard during the mission, how she barely looked or talked with him. He decided then it was time to show her that he really cared for her, that he's willing to listen to her.

"Shepard?" He finally broke the silence, and again she felt a pleasant shiver running down her spine as she heard his low and smokey voice.

"Yes...Kaidan?" His head snapped up at her as he heard her saying his name. A small smile appeared on his face then, and he felt that he's doing the right thing.

"I was wondering if we could talk...off the record?" Shepard froze, her eyes widened at his request as her heart started to pound heavily in her chest, though she didn't knew why. She took a deep breath and sat down on the chair opposite of Kaidan, his eyes watched her closely as she looked at the table before her, her face sad and frightened avoiding his gaze, and he couldn't help but ask himself why she was frightened. After a while she lifted her head and their gazes met, his pleasant and warm eyes looking into hers. She was surprised when all she saw in them was concern and understanding, for her. God as if he knew her inner struggle and battle.

Kaidan studied her and saw the broken person she really was. Her pale face, her blank blue eyes, her colorless cheeks...all of it indicated to him that she was...severely damaged, and she tried her best to hide it. Suddenly his heart clenched, suddenly he had the urge to do just anything that would make her smile. He took a sip from his drink and slowly placed the now empty glass back on the table as he searched for the right words to approach her. He didn't want to push her even more away, but he had to start talking to her.

"Shepard..." She lifted her eyes only to meet his, suddenly she had to swallow the big lump that formed in her throat. Somehow she felt where this conversation was going and she didn't feel quite right. Kaidan saw he got her attention and used the moment to ask her.

"I am...concerned, Shepard. Is there...something bothering you?" Shepard almost sobbed aloud as she heard the question. She swallowed the big lump again as her eyes fell on the table, unable to look at him. Then her mind started to show her life in flashes, all the pain coming up to her and invading her mind.

"I'm fine...Kaidan. I am." Shepard lied again, as if lying was the only thing she was good at, well except killing. Kaidan folded his hands under his chin, his troubled eyes directed at her. She desperately avoided his gaze which only meant she lied. Kaidan took a deep breath and again he had to suppress the urge to hug her.

"Shepard...I'm here if you need someone to talk to, off the record. I won't bother you with my question's, but...know that you have someone to talk to. Someone...who is as broken as you." The last sentence hit her somehow, bringing several questions into her mind. Her eyes locked with his then, and there she saw the broken man behind the calm and polite facade. Her eyes were wide, her lower lip quivering a little as her heart told her to let this man know of her miserable life, to let him know the pain she felt when she was little...to let him know of her inner demons. Her heart raced in her chest and she thought she would pass out, suddenly it was hard to breathe as her mind played her past again.

Kaidan stood up then and walked around the table, Shepard stood up as well and wanted to leave, but Kaidan grabbed her wrist and stopped her. She froze, her hand trembling in his and she knew he felt it. She knew he could feel the coldness and emptiness she carried with her...she knew he felt so many things through that little touch. She hesitantly turned her head towards him, her heartbeat frantic, her breathing quick and her eyes blinking rapidly as she tried to focus not to break. His hand was warm against her cold hand and it warmed her immediately. She felt him pulling her towards him, and like a moth to the flame she wasn't able to resist.

She stopped before him, their bodies very close to each other, she could feel his breath tickling the skin on her face as she tried to focus, but she found out it was harder and harder with every passing second. She closed her eyes tightly in hope to banish the cruel images that her mind conjured, but it just wouldn't stop. Then she felt him readjusting a little and her eyes snapped open only to feel his hand tugging the back of her head and leading her head towards his shoulder. She wanted to protest, she wanted to yell at him to stop behaving like this, she wanted to tell him that someone could see them...and with that thought gone her head was leaned gently on his strong comforting shoulder. His hand was still on the back of her head, slowly stroking up and down through her hair as his other hand came to her upper back to comfort her.

Shepard felt like...she didn't know how she felt. She couldn't describe the kind of emotion she felt right now as she felt his warmth radiating from him, his strong yet gentle hands holding her close to him, comforting and protecting her. Protection...that's what she felt. She felt protected. She had to find all her willpower not to start crying on his shoulder, not to break and show him how broken Jane Shepard really was...but it seems there was no need for her to tell him. It seems he felt her pain, as weird as it sounded, it had to be like it. Shepard closed her eyes tightly again as she, without thinking, wrapped her hands around his waist, her entire body shaking as she did so.

He nuzzled his nose against her neck and breathed in her scent as he felt her arms wrapped around his waist, her head gently leaned on his shoulder. That is how he wanted her...in his arms, to be there for her and to comfort her. Suddenly she broke the hug, her head lowered and her eyes tightly closed. Kaidan held her by her shoulder's, not willing to let go of her as her hands were still leaned on his waist.

"Shepard...please-"

"It's late Kaidan. Tomorrow is a long day. Good night." Without to look up to him she turned and hastily left for her quarters, locking the door with the security password. Kaidan stood there alone, his mind slowly processing what he just did, then panic overwhelmed him.

What if I pushed her even more away? What if she won't talk to me ever again?

Kaidan ran his hand through his hair as he thought about Shepard, her body leaned against his, her face buried in his shoulder, her hands hugging him back a little...it was then when he remembered Rahna again. Without the strength to think about her he went to his sleeping pod, hoping to stop his mind from showing him his past. Instead, he wanted to think about that moment earlier, and he wanted to think about Shepard. Soon, Shepard pushed Rahna more and more out of his head, until Kaidan started to dream about his Shepard.

His Shepard...how he would wish that.


	4. Chapter 4

It was Sunday morning, she stretched her small body and yawned, Teddy still close to her. The morning sun lighted the room through the curtains and she looked outside. It seemed nice and warm outside, and she wondered if she should go to her friend, Deena.

Suddenly she heard some rustle coming from downstairs, someone just walked into her home. Her face lighted up, a bright smile appeared on her face as she thought that maybe mommy and daddy have returned. She almost jumped out of her bed, her smile even wider as she ran out of the room, screaming 'mommy, daddy' all the way down. Then she spotted three unfamiliar men dressed in black, all staring at her. Her eyes widened, her heart stopped beating as she realized they weren't her parents...they were robbers, they came to rob her home. Then she started to scream hoping that her neighbour would hear her but the man closest to her was faster. He grabbed her and put a hand on her mouth to muffle her scream. She tried to wiggle out of his grip, but he was too strong for her to do anything. Then one of them came closer and knelt down next to her, stroking her face with his fingers while looking straight into her eyes.

"Well, well...what do we have here? Waiting for mommy and daddy, are we?" He spoke to her with a disgusting tone in his voice before he stood up.

"We are searching for mommy's and daddy's money or gold, if you don't mind." Then they started smashing the furniture, and Shepard couldn't do anything but scream and watch as her home got demolished. She cried and begged them to stop, but they wouldn't hear her. Suddenly a man went out and didn't came back for a while, but when he came back he held a canister, and the smell of gasoline filled the room. Then the man started to pour the gasoline on the carpet, on the floors and furniture until the canister was empty. One of them came back from her room and gave her Teddy, and the man that held her released her so she could hug Teddy. She hugged him hard to her as she cried aloud, and one man got so annoyed that he hit her very hard on her face, causing an open wound on her left eyebrow. She fell to the floor and cried even louder when the man grabbed her by her hair and dragged her out of the house. She cried and begged the men to stop hurting her, but it just became worse.

One man stood at the entrance of the house and stared inside saying 'this is such a wonderful house...it's a shame, really'. Without the time to react the man tossed a lighter inside on the gasoline. He turned and nodded to the others before they left. Shepard was crawling towards the house, screaming and crying as she watched her home burning down, the memories she made within burning down as well. She sat down and cried, her eyes fixed on the house as she hugged Teddy close to her, her entire body shaking and her head hurting. It was morning, but soon it would be night, and she was alone...with no one to turn to.

####

Shepard sat up, cold sweat running down her back and forehead as she desperately fought for air. She breathed heavily, every breath she took harder than the last. She grabbed a handful of her shirt and pulled it as her mind gathered that it was just a nightmare. But she had to go through that nightmare, mostly alone. Slowly she calmed down, the picture of her house burning down never leaving her mind as the tears slowly started to fall down her face. How could she ever forget that? How could she ever move on after having such trauma?

She couldn't. Twentytwo years have passed, yet she couldn't move on. Her past was eating her, choking her...killing her, over and over, without the chance for her to fight back. She leaned her forearms on her folded knees, her hands resting on her face as she tried to calm down, but the image just wouldn't go away. The image was burned into her mind, burned into her being.

That's who you are, Shepard...

Then she reached out to her nightstand and opened the upper drawer, her hands searching for something she put there in cases like these. Then she found it. She took it in her hand and brought it up to her. It was a bottle of sleeping pills she managed to buy without the need of authorization. Her breathing became heavy again and she struggled for air as she took two pills in her palm and swallowed them with a refreshing glass of water. One pill never quite managed to make her sleep, she always had a feeling she's half awake. Then she started to take two pills, although she knew she could get easily addicted to them. She lied back down in bed and covered her body with the blanket, her wide and frightened eyes staring into the darkness. Luckily her crew didn't know about her traumas and problems, and she would make sure it would stay that way. Then she remembered Kaidan and couldn't help but smile. He told her she could come and talk to him whenever she needed him, and she remembered him saying he was as broken as her. That thought saddened her, and she made a mental note to talk to him once they had enough free time, to see what his sad and bothered past was...and to get to know him a little better.

####

Kaidan stood by the panel fixing something...again. People were already starting to look him suspiciously because, obviously, he repaired something every day. True, he had nothing to repair but that way he was close to her quarters, and to her. He was the first one up this morning and he waited for her to show up, but it was already 10 am, and still she didn't came out. Kaidan was worried, she was never asleep til late.

"Lieutenant?"

"Yes, Navigator Pressly?" Pressly eyed him suspiciously, crossing his arms in front of his chest while tapping with his foot silently on the floor.

"Where is the Commander? Have you checked her room?" Kaidan swallowed hard, why should he check after her?

"I don't know..." Kaidan stuttered out as he swallowed multiple times, growing very nervous.

"Then go and check if she's up! I have already enough to do. And we're late!" Pressly turned and left, angry and annoyed, leaving a very nervous Kaidan behind. He struggled whether to enter her room or not, but than again, it was late and he was worried that something had happened to her, so he decided to go in. He left his place by the panel and slowly made his way towards her room, the nervousness growing with every step he took. He didn't know why he was so nervous, but he guessed because he would invade her privacy in some way, and that maybe she would be mad at him. Then he started to doubt if he should enter or not. Maybe he should get Ashley...

No, he thought to himself as he stopped before her door, his heart beating frantically against his chest. He took a deep breath as he entered the security lock, it wasn't long til the door slid open. The door slid open and there she was: the fearless and brave Commander Shepard, lying on the bed and sleeping like a baby, the sound of her deep and even breathing filling the room. He smiled as his eyes fell on her back, seeing her wild scattered hair on the pillow made his heart jump. He came in and the door slid close behind him, his eyes never leaving her sleeping and relaxed body when he started to think how he should wake her up, should he call her Shepard? No, that's too informal. Commander then?

Suddenly she turned her body towards him and his heart froze as he thought he woke her up, luckily she kept sleeping so he took the time to study her face. It was then he saw just how beautiful she is, how that relaxed face suited her, making her look younger. He admired her, he had to stare at her as long as possible because that face would be replaced by worry as soon as she wakes up.

He scolded himself mentally when he stood there for what felt like hours, then he slowly and silently approached her, afraid not to wake her up before he sat down, slowly and carefully, her face still turned to him. First, he took the blanket and covered her body with it, and for a brief moment his fingers touched the skin of her shoulder. He shuddered, her skin was soft and hot and pale. He didn't know how to wake her so he placed his hand on her shoulder and as soon as he touched her he tensed. He didn't know why, but all he knew was whenever she looked up at him, whenever she touched him, he felt like he hadn't felt in a long time. He felt magnificent...and his stomach always did a flip. He swallowed to clear his throat as he remembered why he was here in the first place.

"Shepard..." He shook her a little, but she kept sleeping, her breathing deep and even so he decided to raise his voice a little, applying some more pressure on her shoulder.

"Shepard..." Then her eyes slowly started to open, for Kaidan it felt like eternity but when she opened her eyes completely, she locked them with his and his heart skipped a beat. She spotted Kaidan sitting on the bed, his lovely eyes directed at her, it was nice though, seeing him next to her when she wakes up. She couldn't hide the blush that started to color her cheek's so she took the blanket to hide her face, but still he could hear her laughing under the blanket, and he had to laugh too when he realized she was embarrassed. She stopped laughing and showed her face to him, her cheeks still red and a smile gracing her face.

"Morning." He said with a smile on his face and Shepard just stared back at him for a while.

"What are you doing here, Kaidan?" She asked him chuckling and Kaidan had to chuckle too.

"Navigator Pressly send me to check on you...it's 10 am." Shepard yawned and stretched her body and Kaidan couldn't help but stare at her, seeing that she's relaxed and calm like never before. She sat up then, their bodies closer than before, she didn't shy away from him though, so he kept his place. She turned her head towards him and smiled, it was nice seeing him when she woke up, she couldn't deny that.

"I'm sorry...didn't hear the alarm."

"It's fine, you deserve a little rest." Her smile got a bit wider, her now happy and relaxed blue eyes staring into his, his heart skipping a beat when he realized just how close they were...but not as close as last night. Suddenly his face went pale as he remembered last night and the hug, and he couldn't help but think that he offended her in some way. He lowered his head and somehow Shepard knew what he was thinking about.

"Kaidan...I want to thank you." His head snapped up to her, his confused and calm eyes staring into hers.

"For what...Shepard?" She smiled a little as she leaned her forearms on her knees, she folded her hands and leaned her head on them as she spoke.

"For the hug last night...it helped me, a lot." Kaidan was stunned and...happy. He would never guess that she would like the hug, but the knowledge of her enjoying it was...wonderful.

"I'm...glad it did, Shepard. I just felt that...you would need one, no cruel intentions." She smiled again as she placed her hand on his on the bed. He locked his eyes with hers, his heartbeat suddenly calm and steady as her soft and warm hand rested on his so gently that he had to focus on his breathing, lest he would forget to breathe. Her eyes mesmerized him, her beauty blinded him...how he would wish to trail kisses over her face, hoping to kiss every wrinkle of worry away only she could shine again, only so her face could light up and give him that wonderful smile that warms his heart whenever he sees it.

Shepard stared at him, unwilling to look away or break the pleasant silence. She wished nothing more but to stay with him here and stare into those wonderful chocolate eyes that made her forget her miserable and painful life. Suddenly she realized that with Kaidan around, she's not thinking that much about her painful past. It was still there and she saw the images in her mind, but with him around it was easier to bear the burden. Then she remembered the lovely hug last night, and her stomach immediately did a flip. He was so gentle, so caring and warm...she remembered what he said to her, that she could talk to him, but she had to ask him again. She had to be sure she could turn to him.

"Kaidan?"

"Yes, Shepard?" Her face saddened, her eyes staring at their hands instead. Kaidan's heart clenched when he saw her sad face again, and he couldn't help but wonder if he did something to make her sad.

"You really meant it?" Her voice was low and hesitant and he leaned a little closer to her, her sweet scent filing his nose as her hand on his started to shake a little.

"Meant what, Shepard?" She locked her eyes with his again, her heart skipping a beat as she saw the intensity of his gaze. She swallowed hard and hesitated first, then she took a deep breath so she could speak.

"That...whenever I need someone to talk to...I can turn to you?" Kaidan was...shocked, but in a good way as his eyes ran across her face. Without to hesitate he took her hand from his and cupped it in his palms. Shepard's eyes fell at their ranked hands, her mouth slightly open and she couldn't help but blush even more as she felt his strong hands wrapped around hers, squeezing it a little.

"Yes I meant it, and still do. Whenever you need someone, I'm here, no matter what hour." Then her eyes found his again, and his heart clenched as he saw the pain hidden in them. He wanted to comfort and help her carry her burdens, whenever she needed him. Shepard saw the honesty in his eyes and behind his words, her heart beating frantically in her chest as his hands warmed not just her hand, but her entire body. It was amazing, whenever he watched her like this she felt she could trust this man with her life. Suddenly her vision went blurry, she blinked rapidly to suppress her tears, but to no use. One lone tear made it's way down her cheek and Kaidan's heart tightened at the sight of her crying.

"Shepard..." She smiled weakly and lowered her face to hide the tears that started to flow freely down her cheeks. She washed them before she looked up at him and she realized he was staring at her the entire time. Suddenly it was hard to think straight, suddenly she broke and she couldn't help but talk.

"Kaidan...my past...it's still haunting me, choking me. I can't...I can't fight back no matter what I do." Kaidan swallowed hard, his heart breaking at the sight of her like this, broken and crying. He squeezed her hand a little as she continued.

"No matter what I do it's still there and it won't leave me alone. I'm scared and-"

"Bridge to Commander Shepard." Shepard closed her eyes for a moment to gather her mind before she turned on the intercom in her room. She swallowed hard to toughen up her voice before she spoke.

"Yes Joker?"

"We are receiving some strange transmissions, thought you might want to check them out." Shepard took a deep, steady breath before she pushed the blanket aside and stood up, Kaidan did the same but his eyes were glued on her, he was unable to look away.

"I'll be there in five Joker."

"Aye, aye, Commander." Shepard turned and started to head for the bathroom but Kaidan's voice stopped her.

"Shepard." She stopped, her body froze and the uniform she was carrying in her hands fell to the floor, forgotten, as she turned her body to him. Her eyes were still filled with tears, her cheeks were flushed and he felt that he had to do something before he would leave. Without thinking he walked towards her, stopping a few inches away from her as Shepard hugged her waist and shook, she wanted so badly to continue talking to him about her past, but it seems there's always something more important than her. Kaidan saw the sadness and doubt on her face, it was then he remembered what she said.

It helped her a lot...the hug...

Without thinking he gently placed his hands on her shoulders. Shepard closed her eyes tightly because she was afraid she would break and start crying like a little girl. He slowly brought her closer to him, her body stiff and tense, her hands still wrapped around her waist, but she didn't flinch or struggle and that he took as a sign to continue. She was shaking badly, but she didn't cry. He gently pressed her body to his, leaning her head on his shoulder as he stroked the back of her neck. Shepard nuzzled her head against his neck, still hugging her waist as she started to shake more violently, Kaidan tightened his grip around her shoulders hoping to ease her shaking. Then she sobbed aloud and without the strength to resist him any longer she wrapped her shaking hands around his waist. Kaidan's heart did a flip as he felt her shaking hands embracing him and he couldn't help but feel happy. She was crying now, he knew it, but he also knew that Joker requested her presence in the CIC room.

He broke the hug, his hands still resting on her shoulders as he gazed deep into her eyes. His hands came up to her face, gently cupping it before washing her cheeks with his thumbs. Shepard couldn't tear her eyes away from him, his eyes gave her comfort. She realized then just how close their faces were, how his hands rested on her face and warmed her. Kaidan seemed to realize it too because he was swallowing now and his breathing sped up a little, as well as the beating of his heart. She blinked rapidly as she slowly closed the distance between them, but no...it was wrong. Kaidan swallowed hard before he spoke, his voice low and husky stopping her before she could kiss him.

"Shepard..." He swallowed again before he continued.

"Joker is waiting for you." His voice was a mere whisper, his eyes locking on her slightly parted lips. How he would wish to kiss them, to feel their pressure on his...he took a deep breath and finally managed to get out of this trance. He leaned away a little as he thought he wouldn't be able to resist her. Shepard blinked, her eyes still locked with his and her mouth opened slightly. She nodded to him, her hands still resting on his waist until he took a backwards step. She hugged her waist again and stared at him, she stopped crying. Kaidan turned and walked towards the door, he stopped before it and the door opened, but he didn't walk out. Instead, he turned to her, his eyes locking with hers. He gave her a nod before he left her room, leaving Shepard alone with her thoughts...and her racing heart. It was then she realized she almost kissed him...

"Dear God...what's wrong with me?" She asked herself as she went into the bathroom. She had to hurry because she was certain that Joker was already annoyed. She made a mental note though to continue the talk with Kaidan...she had to talk to someone, and Kaidan...it seems she felt more for him. More then she was willing to admit.

####

Kaidan went to the engineering room, he needed to get something from his locker. He was in the elevator now, and by the god he couldn't think straight. His mind was torn between Shepard and...and Rahna. On one side was Shepard, the present, her lovely blue and sad eyes that haunted him in his dreams. On the other side was Rahna, her dark brown eyes that were almost black, and the past he had with her...well, more like around her. He didn't know why he remembered her at all, after all she has done to him, breaking his heart several times. But still, she was his first love, and even after so many years he was unable to forget her. She never cared for him more than a friend, and he even accepted that. He willingly watched her from a distance as she flirted and kissed other boy's. Suddenly anger and jealousy overwhelmed him as he thought about her friend, Sean. He didn't want to remember that, but it seems his mind was stronger then his will.

He remembered it as if it was yesterday. Kaidan didn't even knew why he was jealous at Sean. That kid was afraid of his own shadow, yet he always managed to 'steal' Rahna away from him. She liked Sean simply because he was shy, calm, nice and he was her age. Many times she left Kaidan alone only because Sean was scared of something stupid. He always wore these large, round glasses making him look like a bigger nerd than he already was. Sometimes, Kaidan was so frustrated and angry that he wanted to smash the kids nose, but then again, Rahna would hate him so it wasn't worth it. Whenever Sean called for her when she talked to Kaidan she would turn to him and smile, telling him that they will continue their talk another time, then she would leave with Sean. Kaidan would just stand in place and watch her leave, his heart breaking in half. There were times when he thought that Rahna did that on purpose...to see where his limit is. Kaidan though, he always kept his distance. He was jealous, very even, but he wouldn't interfere. He would let her go, if that would make her happy, even though it would shatter him, break him. He still clung to his past because of her, she was sweet, nice, charming...he wondered then if he would ever forget her.

The door's of the elevator opened and he took what he came for, but before he went back he stared into his locker, on the calendar he had glued there. He wanted to tear the calendar down, to finally be done with her and his past...but it seems he just wasn't ready. Then Shepard invaded his mind again making him even more confused. What if nothing would happen between them? What if her flirting means nothing but fun to her?

What if she uses me only to forget her past, and then, when she forgets it she'll let me fall?

No...Shepard wasn't like that. He took his equipment and went back up again. He saw the honesty in her eyes, he saw her need to have someone she could turn to, someone she could tell about the painful life she had. It was funny in a way, he didn't even get the chance to meet her outside the Normandy, but he was drawn to her...just like he was drawn to Rahna.

Kaidan shook his head when his mind started to compare Shepard and Rahna. He didn't want to compare Shepard to the person that broke his heart. Shepard was different, she was brave, adventurous, ambitious...and she was broken, just as him. Rahna had always a happy life, her parents gave her everything, and he doubted that she would understand his suffering. Shepard though, she had to fight for everything she had right now, just as him. She was suffering, and still is...just as him.

It was amazing how much he thought they're alike, in many things. He wanted to get to know Jane Shepard, not Commander Shepard. He wanted to know of her life and her suffering, and he wanted to be there for her, to hold her if necessary. He came up again and saw Shepard standing near Joker, her back turned to him. He took a deep breath as he thought about how she was like outside her uniform, outside this ship. He decided then, as soon as possible he would get to know her, personally...but first they had a mission to complete, on Feros. After that, he would try and talk with her, and show her that he's there, if necessary.

**Notes:**

Thanks to the lovely **Aquamonkey **for helping me around this chapter and checking my errors.

Thank to my lovely reviewers **Gabe97 **and **kelsey. chappell **and guest. And of course to all people who put it on their subscription list. I love reviews and I hope you keep reading my version of Shenko :-)

Feedback is appreciated :-)


	5. Chapter 5

A few days after Feros...

Shepard strode through the Normandy, she had a lot of work to do and very little time. First she had a meeting with the Council because she cancelled the meeting a few days ago, then she had to do a lot of paperwork. She hated paperwork, but sadly she had to do it, it was one of the many duties as Commander. She saw Kaidan a few times but she didn't had the time to stop and talk with him, and that annoyed her. She really liked talking to him, and who knows what would've happened if Joker hadn't interrupted them a few days ago. She hated Joker for that, but it wasn't his fault, he just did his duty, and no one expects the Commander to fall in love. Suddenly she stopped whatever she was doing.

Did I just...thought...that I'm in love with him?

Shepard felt a cold sweat appearing on her forehead, she kicked herself mentally for thinking such things...although, it made her happy somehow. Thinking that Kaidan could feel the same way...she shook her head as she felt the heat going to her cheeks. She blushed, dear God she was supposed to have a meeting with the Council. She entered the comm room and Joker patched them through. They talked about the mission, about Exo Geni and their experiments...and about a plant called the Thorian. The Council praised her work and they left, Shepard shook her head as she headed out of the comm room, a little angry and frustrated. She never liked talking to the Council, but luckily she was a Spectre now and they wouldn't dig their nose into her affairs.

She walked out of the comm room and bumped into Navigator Pressly, he excused himself and left, telling her they're almost at the Citadel. Good, because Shepard had some work to do at the Citadel. She walked up to the bridge and there she saw Kaidan standing by the exit, his head lowered and his eyes closed. He was in deep thought and Shepard wasn't sure if she should approach him. She came slowly towards him and stopped opposite of him, he hadn't heard her and she was wondering what made him that occupied.

"Kaidan?" His head snapped up and his eyes spotted her, he smiled weakly then, probably to hide his tension.

"Ah...Shepard." He said her name as a whisper, as if afraid that somebody hears him. She came a little closer and leaned on the wall next to him, ready to listen to him.

"You okay?" He nodded to her.

"It's just the migraine, that's all." She was worried, she hated headaches, she couldn't even imagine what his migraine was like.

"Maybe you should call it a day Kaidan. Don't force yourself too much." He smiled and shook his head.

"I'm fine...Shepard." Again her name was a whisper and she couldn't help but chuckle a little. She came a bit closer to whisper to him.

"If you're uncomfortable calling me Shepard in front of everyone, call me Commander." He chuckled too, but he shook his head.

"No, I just have to get used to...that's all, I think. Uhm, ma'am, may I join you in the Citadel? I have some business to take care of." Shepard blinked a few times, she already wanted him to join her so...

"Of course. I have to sell some equipment to the Lower Wards." She tilted her head aside a little, her eyes studying him closely.

"Is everything alright Kaidan?" He looked up at her again, a small forced smile on his face.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm good."

"We're there Commander." Joker spoke through the intercom, he didn't knew that the Commander was just as few feet behind him.

"I hear ya Joker." Joker turned his head to her, startled. He laughed before he turned his head back at the control screen. Shepard nodded to Kaidan and she walked out, but Kaidan stopped her.

"Who's joining us, ma'am?" Shepard stopped and turned her head to him, looking over her shoulder at him.

"No one, everyone is busy so we go alone." She turned and waited for him. Kaidan swallowed a few times before he came and stopped next to her, their bodies close. They look up to each other and smiled before they waited for the door to open. Soon they made their way to the Wards as both had business to do there.

"What sort of business you have?" She asked him, he was glad that she broke the uncomfortable silence.

"I just need to head to my apartment to fetch something. Won't take long Shepard." She chuckled then as they entered another elevator.

"Now you can call me Shepard without anyone hearing you." He chuckled too, and couldn't help the smirk that started to appear on his face.

"True. It feels good though, not fearing that anyone could judge me."

"Why would anyone judge you?" Kaidan readjusted from one leg to the other as he crossed his arms.

"Well...Williams heard me calling you Shepard, and she was rather eager to hear why I'm so, informal." Shepard shook her head, sometimes she really hated Ashley.

"It's not her business how you call me." Kaidan heard the annoyance in her voice and he almost chuckled again. They made their way to the Wards, but soon they parted ways, both deciding to do their business on their own. Kaidan had to go home to grab some more clothes for the Normandy, he would take some more shirts and a few sweaters, in case they have to visit another cold planet. He came to his apartment and locked the door. Kaidan turned on his answering machine to hear if there are new messages.

"You have one new message." Kaidan took some new shirts and went to the kitchen to grab a glass of water as he waited for the message to start.

"Hey...it's me." The message started and Kaidan's blood froze, his body stilled as his mind recognized the sweet voice. Even after fifteen years she had the same voice, the voice that made his heart skip a beat and his blood boil whenever she spoke to him. He left whatever he was doing and sat down on a chair next to the answering machine, eagerly waiting to see why she called him after so many years.

"It's Rahna, Kaidan. It's been a long time, I know...and the way how we parted...it just wasn't right. And I'm sorry for that, Kaidan...I really am. I realize now that I was acting like a child back then...but that's what I was...a child." Kaidan shook his head as the migraine hurt more and more. But the message wasn't over yet.

"I thought that, after you hear this, you could...maybe...call me back. It would be nice to hear your voice again and hear what you do for a living. I'm a Doctor, by the way, trying to find a solution for the L2 implants. And I have something else to tell you...something important." Kaidan took another deep breath, his heart racing in his chest as he heard her taking a shaky breath as well.

"I'm going to marry, Kaidan. I met a nice man, he loves me and I love him... I just thought I should let you know. I'm sorry Kaidan, for everything...and I hope to hear from you again...bye." He was silent, empty, he was shocked, hurt, sad...he was shattered. After fifteen years of ignorance and hate, after fifteen years of him thinking about her and wondering if she's even alive, she call's him to let him know she's going to marry another man...that broke him. He still sat in the chair, unable to move, unable to breathe...unable to think. Suddenly he felt tears going down his face. He wiped them away and cradled his face in his palms, his heart torn apart. He was wondering why she did this to him, why she always managed to shatter his heart with nothing else but her words. It was enough for him, he couldn't bear this any longer, he had to get out of here. He took the bag where he put his clothes and hastily left. He barely breathed as he made his way towards the stairs to C-sec, Shepard was surely waiting for him. And he was right.

There she was, Shepard...the woman that invaded his mind, the woman that pushed Rahna more and more out. He stopped and watched her for a while, she was leaned at the nearby wall, her hands crossed before her chest and her eyes closed. He drank in her beauty, her toned body, her long legs...suddenly he felt the heat boiling in places that were long cold. He felt his stomach doing a flip as his entire body temperature grew, though he didn't knew why. He took a deep breath and wiped his face clean just to be sure before he made his way towards her, his heart racing in his chest, both from Shepard and Rahna. He stopped before her and watched her for a while longer before he would call her.

"Shepard." She almost jumped as she heard his voice. She was startled, she didn't hear him coming towards her and she wondered how long he was here. It was then when their eyes locked, she saw his red eyes and his wet face. Shepard blinked a few times and watched him, concern written on her face before she spoke to him.

"Kaidan..."

"I'm fine, Shepard. Let's go back, the others are waiting." Kaidan started walking in front of her, his walk slow. Shepard watched his back the entire time, she couldn't lose the feeling that something happened, but then again, she would not force him. She would keep her distance if necessary, but she would be there to listen to him. They made their way to the Normandy, both silent and in deep thought, especially Kaidan. He had it very hard to stay focused, his mind always returning to Rahna and her last words.

She's going to marry another man, Kaidan...deal with it.

The door to the Normandy opened and Kaidan practically stormed in, leaving Shepard almost running after him. She didn't call him though, she just walked close to him. When they reached the CIC room, he stopped and turned to her.

"Ma'am...if there's nothing further you need of me..."

"You're dismissed...Kaidan." He locked his eyes with hers one more time before he took the stairs to the second floor of the Normandy. Shepard didn't go after him though, she still had to prepare everything for Virmire. She would give him a little time for himself because whatever had happened to him, it hit him hard. Shepard made a mental note to talk to him, after she's done with her work. She wanted to be there for him, just as he was there for her whenever she needed him. She would talk to him tonight, tomorrow is a very long day...tomorrow, they had to go to Virmire and hopefully, they will find and stop Saren.

####

A few hours later Shepard was finished with her business, her head a real mess. She couldn't stop her mind from showing her her past...again. It really started to bother her because it was getting harder and harder for her to fall asleep. Every night she took the sleeping pills and she feared that she started to get addicted to them. Not just because she took them every night, but because she started...seeing things, even hearing things. It bothered her a lot, but she was certain that it was because of her exhaustion, nothing else. She stood with Navigator Pressly and talked to him about tomorrow's journey, that he and Joker had to take care of the Normandy, as usual. Pressly saluted her and left to do his work. Suddenly she heard a little girl sobbing and crying, so she looked around to see where it was coming from. Shepard stood there, frozen, as she saw herself as a little girl sitting in the corner, her Teddy hugged close to her. She was crying, and Shepard even heard her sobbing. This can't be, she thought as she rubbed her eyes, when she opened them again, she was gone. Shepard shook her head and decided to call it a day, lest she would start to see dragons. She took the stairs to the second floor, her mind in deep thought and wondering why she was seeing herself in the corner.

She reached the last stair and walked in, she didn't see Kaidan near the panel he always tried to fix so she wanted to head for her quarters, thinking he was maybe asleep. When she came around the wall she spotted someone sitting on the large mass hall table, Shepard turned to get a better look on who it was. It was then she spotted Kaidan, his head lowered and leaned on his hand while his other hand held a glass filled with something. Shepard stood there, silently observing him before she slowly started to walk towards him, afraid not to scare or disturb him. She stopped next to him and saw his eyes closed, his breathing heavy and his face pale. Shepard took the chair and sat one place away from him, she was close but still he had the necessary distance if he needed it.

Kaidan knew who it was, her scent gave her away. He still held his eyes closed though as he felt her sitting down, he just hadn't the strength to open them...yet. Suddenly he felt something warm and soft on his hand, putting the glass away. He opened his eyes then, his head still leaned on his hand as he spotted her warm hand placed on his. It meant more than she would ever guess to him, that little touch gave him the comfort and strength he needed right now. He readjusted a little and straightened his back, his forearms still leaned on the table as he looked at their hands. Her hand was soft, gentle, warm...he couldn't help but place his other hand on hers now.

Shepard blinked a few times as her eyes fell on their ranked hands, she could feel he was shaking a little. She lifted her eyes only to meet his. They were filled with fear, sadness, hurt and regret, and her heart clenched as she saw him like that. She swallowed to clear her throat to be able to speak.

"Kaidan...I'm here if you need me." He just nodded, looking at their hands now. He was unable to look into her eyes, or he feared he would break. He swallowed hard as he made an important decision. He decided to tell her about Rahna, he decided to tell her how many times she broke his heart. He wanted to be done with his past and he felt if he talked with her that he would at least lose a little amount of the burden he carried around. He closed his eyes for a moment to gather his mind, to collect the words necessary to tell her about his pain. Then he took another deep breath, it's now or never.

"I...uhm..." He was silent then, but he wouldn't stop now.

"I...received a call today." Shepard stared at him, but she would shut up and listen, and give him all the time he needs.

"Back in BAaT..." He lifted his head to look at her, and a stone fell from his heart as he saw that she's willing to listen.

"...I was very lonely. I had no friends, no family to turn to...it was...lonely. Later though..." He swallowed again, it seems it's still hard for him to talk about her.

"...I met this girl who had the brightest smile I ever saw on a woman. Her name was...was..." He retrieved his hand to rub his eyes, his vision blurry and the lump in his throat incredibly big. He kept his fingers on his eyes though, he feared that the tears would come if he put his hand back on hers. Shepard saw how hard it was for him but she didn't know what to do, except to listen to him, and finally hear what broke him in his past. Kaidan took a sharp, deep breath before he continued to talk.

"Her name was Rahna. She was my friend back in BAaT. After I met her, I was never alone again, she kept me in her close circle of friends." He put his hand back on hers and smiled a little when he felt how warm and calm she was.

"She was gentle, kind, and charming as hell. She was a very sweet girl, and I admired her for her kindness. She always had the strength to cheer us up after a long day of training, even our Commander didn't managed to kill her mood. She was wonderful..." Shepard took a deep breath as Kaidan looked up at her, his face even sadder then before.

"But then I lost her, even as a friend." Shepard blinked a few times and squeezed his hand a little, showing him she's there. Kaidan smiled at that and squeezed her hand too.

"What happened?" Kaidan took another deep breath before he continued.

"We had a...turian Commander, his name was Vyrnnus. He liked to introduce himself with 'I was at the head of the dreadnought that killed your father'. He disliked the humans...very even. That's why he mocked us. Anyway...I told him my father wasn't in the war, that he is retired to Vancouver, and after that, he had it in for me. Giving me the most number of sit-ups, ordering me around...sending me into deadly missions." Kaidan looked up at her and saw pure concern and hate on her face. He squeezed her hand again as if to reassure her he's fine.

"Later, he saw me around Rahna...then he had it in for her, only to make me furious." Kaidan's foot silently tapped on the floor as he remembered the time he killed the Commander.

"One day, one of our friend died. His name was Willy, and he was thirteen. When we came back at HQ, I tried to comfort her, telling her everything is going to be fine. A few minutes later Vyrnnus came and requested our presence in the briefing room. We had no choice but to go. When we came in he scolded Rahna for crying over Willy, then I told him that Willy was still a child...he punched me, hard, telling me that he'll cut out my tongue if I play the hero again." Kaidan smiled bitterly then, his head lowered a little as his mind played the evening.

"Then he told Rahna to grab a glass of water to calm herself. She was frightened and shocked about the events that occured, so she stood up and reached out for the glass of water...instead of pulling it bioticaly." Shepard narrowed her eyes and watched him, why would that be a mistake?

"What happened then?" Kaidan took a deep breath, his heart was racing in his chest but he wouldn't stop now.

"Vyrnnus snapped... He hated when the kids stopped using their biotics for such simple tasks like getting a glass of water or holding a book in the air while we read it. He didn't understand that after his training no one, and I mean it, no one had the strength to lift a feather with his abilities, let alone keep using them for tasks that can be done without them." Kaidan took another deep breath before he spoke again.

"Anyway...Vyrnnus snapped and broke her arm almost in half. The bones were shattered and the only thing that kept the arm in piece was her skin. Like an idiot I stood up and punched him, but that only got him angrier. He grabbed me by my collar and broke my nose, punched me in my gut and pushed me on the floor. Then, when I opened my eyes, I saw him approaching me with a knife in his hands...that's when I saw my life flashing before my eyes...I thought this is the end." Shepard took a deep shaky breath and blinked rapidly as she heard of the event, she couldn't believe how cruel that turian was. Kaidan squeezed her hand a little when he felt it was shaking.

"But then he said something that made me furious. He said 'now I have the chance to get rid of you...the both of you'. He wanted to kill Rahna too, although she didn't do anything wrong!" Kaidan closed his eyes tightly to calm his mind as he thought he wouldn't be able to control his powers. Luckily Shepard took the seat next to him and took his hand in hers, bringing it to her chest and holding it tightly there.

"Kaidan...open your eyes...I'm here." He did as she said, the blue-pruple light fading away. It was then when the migraine returned, his head throbbing with pain, but still he kept his hand in hers. It calmed him, a lot.

"Anyway... I snapped, and when he attacked me I directed my entire biotic strength into my leg. I kicked him back into the wall, and killed him." Shepard's eyes flew wide open, staring at Kaidan."

"With one kick?" Kaidan heard a small note of amusement in her voice. He looked at the table as he spoke again.

"With one kick...I kicked his face, and snapped his neck. Later I found out that the kick smashed his entire spine to pieces, even if he survived it, he would be paralyzed." Shepard swallowed hard, she saw the distant look on his face and knew he was reliving the memory.

"But that's not what broke me, Shepard." Then he looked up at her, his eyes gazing deep into hers.

"When I woke up in the hospital later, I went to see Rahna. I came and sat next to her on the bed but she turned her head away from me. I asked her what's wrong and she says to me...'who are you, where is the loving, calm and gentle Kaidan I know'. I didn't know what she meant at first." He swallowed hard, his heart clenching at the memory.

"She said I lost control and that I shouldn't have killed him, she didn't understand that he would've kill me if I wasn't faster. She told me I could've just knocked him out..." Then he lowered his head and closed his eyes, swallowing the big lump in his throat. Shepard placed one hand on his shoulder to comfort him while still holding his hand with hers, she felt he was shaking and that made her almost cry.

"Then she said I should leave...that she didn't knew me any longer. That was the last time I talked with her." He lifted his head and rubbed his eyes before he started talking again.

"She avoided me after that, looking at me like I'm some kind of monster. I never saw her again, after BAaT was shut down." Kaidan took a deep breath as he retrieved her hand from his shoulder, putting it on his left hand while holding it.

"And today...after fifteen bloody years of ignorance and hate she felt towards me, she called me today...only to let me know she's going to marry another man..." Kaidan felt much lighter now, his heart and soul at peace a little. He turned his head and looked at Shepard, seeing only concern and understanding on her face. He smiled weakly when he felt her hand in his, she was warm and soft, and it was amazing how calm he was when he was holding her hand, how relaxed he was when she was near him. Then he felt the migraine again and he retrieved his hand to rub his forehead. Shepard knew he had migraines and she guessed he had one now, without hesitation she stood up. Kaidan felt the loss of her body next to his, but he felt her standing behind him now and he wondered what she had in mind.

"Make yourself comfortable, and relax." Her voice was low and soothing, music to his ears. He did as she said, he made himself comfortable in the chair and leaned back on it, his head leaned on the chair. Shepard pulled up her sleeves and warmed her hands up a bit by rubbing them together before she started to rub his temples, slow and gently. Kaidan closed his eyes and enjoyed the massage, the migraine slowly disappearing. She had magical hands that soothef his mind and pushed every painful thought out of it, until he could thought of nothing else but her warm hands, her warm smile...her soft lips. He felt like hours have passed because the migraine was gone, soothed away with her soft touches. He wished he was in his bed now because he didn't remember the time when he was so calm and relaxed, all because of her. She looked down on him, her fingers still gently massaging his temples.

"Any better?" She tried to keep her voice as low as possible, and all she got was a breathy and sleepy 'uh huh' from him. She chuckled then and came to stand next to him, he opened his eyes and spotted her staring at him and he couldn't help but smile.

"Don't fall asleep on the chair." She chuckled and started to leave for her room, it was already late and they needed to get some rest.

"Shepard." She stopped and turned, surprised. Kaidan stood up and held his place, his eyes trailing over her face.

"Thank you Shepard. Thank you for listening to me." Shepard smiled and winked.

"You did the same for me Kaidan. And know I'm always willing to listen." With that she turned and left. Kaidan stood there a while longer before he made his way to the sleeping pods. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, and he needed to rest. Shepard would need him to be focused, and he would think of a way to say thanks.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **Aquamonkey** as always for encouraging me to write this.

Thanks to the lovely **Gabe97 **and **geoavenger **who have reviewed the last chapter. Thanks to all who have put it on the subscription list. Let me know what you think of Rahna calling Kaidan after so many years. Hope you liked the chapter, and please R&R :-)


	6. Chapter 6

She feels it so clearly, the emptiness of the streets that surrounds her every day, eating her more and more away. She can feel the loneliness, the hopelessness and the pain. She's alone and on the streets...with only ten years. She managed to look after herself when everyone else abandoned her. The law wanted to put her in another new family, to give her a new home, but she wouldn't have it. Instead, she ran away, she didn't want a new family or a new home, she wanted her old family, her old home, she wanted everything to be as it was, but no matter how much she prayed to dear God to bring her family back, it just wouldn't happen.

She was a renegade child that stole from shops to feed herself, she slept on park benches, on floors, where ever she could, just to get through the night. Teddy was still with her, hidden in her bag, afraid that the other homeless kids might steal him from her. She always held him close to her when she slept, then when she wakes up she would put him in her bag again, hiding him from the other kids. She was alone, all her school friends abandoned and ignored her, even if she asked them for help they would just walk past her, as if they never knew her. That's why little Shepard learned to look after herself...with only ten years. It was hard for her, but it would become much harder with every passing day...the only thing that kept her strong was the thought of her parents returning to her, giving her her old home back, and her old life.

####

Shepard sat up, her body trembling and cold sweat running down her forehead and back as she finally awoke from the nightmare. She struggled to breathe, her wide eyes still not registering that it was only a dream...that it was her past. Slowly the present came to her and she looked around, only to see she was lying in her room in the Normandy. She lowered the room temperature, she felt very sick because of her nightmare and she had to cool her body a little to be able to think. She cradled her face in her palms, her heartbeat still frantic as her breathing slowly returned to normal. Suddenly she felt as if she was being watched so she lifted her to look around, then her blood froze and her heart almost stopped beating.

In the dark corner of her room she saw a figure, a child...the child was staring at her, her face sad and her eyes narrowed a little. Her face was wet, probably because of her crying. Shepard's eyes fell to the girl's hands and saw they are bloody, holding a teddy bear. Shepard stared at the girls face again and realized her expression changed, from sorrowful to...angry. Shepard blinked and swallowed as she tried to figure out what was going on, where the girl came from. The girl was her, she recognized her Teddy, which was gone now, and her favourite shirt. She cleared her throat before she spoke to the girl.

"Why are you here?" The girl tilted her head aside in a playful way, she then reached her hands out eagerly showing them to Shepard.

_'Look...they're bloody...why, I wonder?'_

The girl looked at her hands then, her eyes wide and mouth slightly open before she spoke again.

_'That's not nice...why am I killing people?'_

Shepard blinked rapidly now as her heartbeat increased again, leaving her almost breathless.

"Go. Away." The girl looked up at her and tilted her head aside again, her innocent eyes blinking at her.

_'But I can't go away...I'm you.'_

Shepard closed her eyes tightly and ranked her hands in her hair, pulling at it, hoping that the pain will distract her. She rocked her body back and forth, muttering under her breath 'go away, go away' for what felt like hours, then she slowly and hesitantly lifted her head to look around, and a stone fell from her heart as she saw her empty room. She took a deep breath to calm her mind a little before she stood up, changing into some casual clothes so no one would recognize her in the Citadel. She looked at her watch, it was 5am and they would start their mission to Virmire soon. Shepard strode out of the Normandy, thanking the God for the emptiness of the ship. She silently made her way out of the Normandy and took the elevator to the C-sec academy, then she took the stairs to the Wards. She came to her destination fast and she knocked hastily on the door. She wasn't really expecting someone to be here, but a stone fell from her heart as she heard some rustle behind the door. The door slid open and the Doctor's eyes stared at the figure before her.

"Commander Shepard why-"

"Shh, not so loud." Doctor Michel nodded to her and stepped aside to grant Shepard access. Shepard stepped in with Michel and the door slid shut, Shepard turned to her then, crossing her hands in front of her chest.

"Lock the door, I need to speak with you." Michel was surprised, but did what the Spectre told her to do. Michel turned to Shepard when she locked the door, having a worried expression on her face.

"Commander?"

"You owe me, right?" The question was harsher then Shepard intended it to be, but she couldn't be nice now, not when her mind is falling apart. Michel swallowed hard before she nodded and answered.

"Yes Commander, I do. Is there something you need?" Shepard was silent for a while, she had to get through this, as hard as it may be.

"I need you to examine me, Doctor Michel." Michel watched her, surprised by her small request.

"Okay." Michel tried to leave to gather her tools but Shepard grabbed her upper arm and stopped her. Michel turned her head to look at Shepard and saw that she was deadly serious about something.

"I need you to examine me off the record. This needs to stay hidden even from the database, do you understand?"

"What? Why?"

"Because I say so. I can't trust anyone with this but you. You owe me and I know I can trust you because I know the secrets you don't want to reach public grounds. So here is what I want." Shepard closed her eyes for a moment before she opened them again.

"I need you to examine my mental state and mind." Michel watched her, confused, her eyes wide. She blinked rapidly as she tried to figure out what was going on. Michel sighed and shook her head, but she obeyed and turned to grab the tools necessary to examine her. She connected a few sensors to her head, her neck and temples that would record her brain activity and see if there's any damage. Shepard was anxious and scared as hell, and she feared for the worst. It was silent for a long time, the room filled with nothing but the low beeps coming from the monitor. Shepard felt like the time passed by in slow motion, every second longer then the last, every minute passing like an hour. Suddenly the small activity monitor beeped louder and Michel removed the sensors from her head. She watched the monitor for a while, studying it's lines and trying to get a diagnosis. Shepard's foot silently tapped on the floor as she watched the Doctor doing her job. Suddenly Michel lifted her head to look at Shepard, an unreadable expression on her face.

"Good, I gathered the information I need. Now I need evaluate the results." Shepard stared wide eyed at her, her heartbeat frantic again.

"I thought you can get a diagnosis now while I'm here?" Michel's expression saddened and she shook her head.

"I can't, sadly, but I'll have them til tonight. You can come back here and I'll tell you the results." Shepard lowered her head, disappointment crushing over her as she stood up, walking towards the door. Suddenly she stopped and turned back to Michel.

"I'll give you the frequency where you can reach me. I won't be home for I don't know how long, so as soon as you get the results you call me. Understood?" Michel nodded and Shepard gave her the frequency. Shepard glared at Michel for a while, crossing her hands in front of her chest before she spoke.

"I don't have to remind you that-"

"No one will find out about this Shepard, don't worry, you have my word." Shepard nodded to her and left. She had to get to the Normandy, fast, because everyone was surely awake by now and they had a mission to start. Half an hour later she entered the Normandy, seeing her crew already working made her smile. She made her way to the CIC room, she came to Pressly, he turned and saluted her before she spoke.

"Navigator Pressly, is everything ready for Virmire?"

"Aye Commander, everything is ready. We go when you say so." She nodded to him and went back to the bridge, she stopped next to Joker and he looked up at her as he felt her presence.

"Joker tell my crew to meet me in the comm room, I need to speak with them."

"Aye aye Commander." With that she turned and left, her mind still worried and distracted about the examination Dr Michel did on her. She just hoped that everything is fine, that the only thing she was suffering from was exhaustion. She feared for the worst though...her frequent nightmares, seeing and hearing strange things...she feared that she suffered from traumas, and that the only way to get rid of them was using more pills.

She stood in the middle of the comm room now, her hands crossed and her head lowered. Friend after friend entered the comm room, all of them sitting down on the chairs placed around in a circle. She would lift her head, greet them and smile before she would disappear in her thoughts again. The second to enter was Kaidan, and he immediately knew from her posture that something bothered her. He kept silent though, they had a few hours journey to Virmire, they would be on the ship...and they would have plenty of time to talk.

Everyone sat on their chair and watched the Commander, all of them couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Shepard lifted her head then, looking at everyone sitting on their chairs. She wanted to say a few reassuring words to everyone before they would take their leave. Shepard took a deep breath and saw Kaidan sitting next to Ashley, both looking at her and both having a worried expression. Shepard gave them a reassuring smile before she looked away from them, looking instead at a dot on the floor.

"Soon, we will leave for Virmire and hopefully, we'll have the chance to stop Saren once and for all. We have lost so much, and clearly we will lose even more, but it's all for the sake of the entire galaxy. Stay strong and keep your heads up, don't let anything come to you until we're done with Saren...then we'll all go for a long vacation on Earth." All of them laughed and Ashley readjusted a little in her seat before she spoke.

"Damn right Commander. I heard Hawaii is nice in this time of year. You and the crew should join me on my vacation there." Shepard actually laughed a little and Kaidan was happier the moment he saw her smile lighting up her face. Wrex grunted and readjusted in his chair before he spoke.

"I'll be damned if I go to a place if there's nothing to kill."

"Aw, you have to come with us Wrex. There will be a lot of booze to drink. Plus, I think we'll find some sexy krogan women to join us so they can keep you company." Ashley stated and Shepard couldn't help but burst into laughter as she tried to imagine the krogan warrior drunk and flirting with the krogan women. Wrex just sent her a deadly glare, but Ashley didn't mind him, instead she laughed even more.

"I can already see it: Wrex, the playa, swooping every krogan woman of her feet." Kaidan couldn't help but laugh too, despite the deadly glare directed towards him and Ashley. Wrex turned his head to Shepard then, his foot silently tapping on the floor.

"Shepard...the lines between friendship and foe are getting thin...real thin." Shepard stopped laughing and wiped away her tears before she spoke to the krogan, she at least tried to sound tough.

"They're just joking Wrex, they're not mocking you." Wrex shook his head and both Ashley and Kaidan stopped laughing. Ashley turned to Kaidan then, her hands on her lap.

"What about you LT? What are your plans after we kill Saren?" Kaidan swallowed hard and looked up at Shepard for a while, looking at her from under his eyelashes before he turned back to Ashley.

"Don't know, Chief. Haven't really thought about it. Whenever I think about that I feel like it's a long way til that happens. But I guess I'll...give my attention to my personal life for a while." Ashley lifted her eyebrows and crossed her hands, pure interest written on her face.

"Ooo LT, is there a particular lady that piqued your interest?" Kaidan blushed hard, his head lowered and his back leaned on the chair. Shepard smiled at first feeling a bit happy for him, but then she remembered their talk last night...and she remembered the girl Kaidan mentioned. What was her name, Rahna, Shepard thought as sadness crossed her face.

Of course he would try to go to her...

Shepard took her seat, Kaidan's eyes never leaving her. He saw the sadness, the pain and hurt on her face, and he wondered why she felt like that. Kaidan tore his eyes away from Shepard and looked back at Ashley, only to see her cheeky grin. Kaidan swallowed hard as he thought that Ashley could say something to embarrass him, but luckily, she was silent.

"I'm thirty-two, Chief. I think it's time to at least try to get settled. I won't be young for too long." Ashley laughed aloud and Shepard couldn't help but stare at Kaidan. He wants to get settled, she repeated in her mind, over and over, her mind not believing what he just said. Then she remembered that Rahna was about to marry another man, and Kaidan hasn't once called her in those fifteen years...Shepard wasn't even realizing she was smiling. The thought made her happy, though she wondered why.

"Commander?" Ashley called her with a slightly playful tone in her voice. Shepard looked up at her, smiling and relaxed because she was certain that Kaidan wouldn't try to get Rahna back. Suddenly her blood froze, her face went pale, her eyes went wide and her mouth fell open a little. Her heart almost stopped, she forgot to breathe, her body started to shake. Shepard blinked rapidly to try and banish the image she saw, but it just wouldn't go away.

She was here again, her little self. She was standing behind Ashley, her narrowed eyes glaring at Shepard, clearly showing her anger and hate for her. Shepard's eyes trailed the path of the girl's hands, they were bloody again, but that's not what shocked her most. The girl's hands were wrapped around Ashley's neck, as if she was trying to choke her...and kill her. Shepard didn't blink, she barely breathed and she almost fainted as she saw the girl lifting her head to stare down at Shepard, her eyes even angrier now.

Everyone watched her confused, especially Kaidan and Ashley, wondering what caused her place face and frightened eyes. Kaidan looked at Ashley, then back at Shepard, again and again, trying to understand what caused the fear on her face. Ashley blinked confused at Shepard and she had to call her again.

"Commander? Are you well?" Shepard couldn't answer her as the girls deadly eyes stared at her, pinning her, making her unable to look away. Shepard swallowed hard as tears formed in her eyes, but she wouldn't let them fall...not now at least. Suddenly the girl lowered her head and looked at her from under her eyelashes, her hands still wrapped around Ashley's neck as she spoke.

_'This is your fault...this is what YOU chose...'_

"Shepard?" Kaidan tried to call her by her name, but still she wouldn't answer. Kaidan panicked, he stood up and knelt before her taking her hand in his and giving it a tight squeeze. Everyone else was sitting, silently observing the Commander, hoping that Kaidan would wake her from the trance. Kaidan swallowed hard as he came even closer to her, his hand holding hers tightly, showing her that he's here. Shepard felt his presence, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from the little girl that desperately tried to strangle Ashley. The girl smiled then and looked at Kaidan, a mean smile on her face.

_'He's not worth it...don't waste your time with him.'_

"Shepard!" Kaidan almost screamed in the room and she finally broke free of the trance. Her breathing was fast and uneven, her eyes fixed on the wall behind Ashley as she tried to figure out what the hell just happened. She breathed heavily now and she almost blacked out. Suddenly she registered the voices around her and she could hear Kaidan saying that someone needs to go and get Doctor Chakwas to examine her. Shepard's blood froze again as she heard that, and she had to get out of this mess.

"No need, Alenko, I'm fine." She sounded desperate as she stood up from the chair, wanting to show them she's fine indeed. She almost collapsed back in the chair but Kaidan steadied her in his arms, holding her tightly by her waist, her body pressed against his.

"No way, Shepard. You're going to get examined!" That...was a huge mistake. Shepard blinked a few times as his words reached her mind, her eyes fixed on his chest at first. Then she slowly lifted her gaze, her eyes narrowing more and more until her eyes locked with his, her face stiff with anger. Kaidan didn't knew why at first, but then he realized how he spoke to her, how he almost ordered her around. Luckily, she found her strength and pulled away from him, only to stand face to face with him. Kaidan felt threatened and intimidated by her gaze, but he also had no choice but to submit. Shepard was silent for a while, everyone else stood around them, all still worried about her.

But no. She was not allowed to be weak, she was Commander Shepard, the first human Spectre. She came even closer to his face and Ashley was sure she was going to hit the LT.

"Are you ordering me around lieutenant? On my ship?!" Her voice was loud, tough and determined, Kaidan didn't break the eye contact though...he knew he messed it up, and he was ready to face the consequences.

"No...Commander." His voice was determined and low, she could almost hear an 'I'm sorry' behind the sentence. She knew he wanted to help her, to be nice to her...but there was so much at stake that she couldn't risk getting examined on the ship. She took a deep breath, steadying her spine and looking at him, her sky blue eyes staring into his chocolate eyes. His eyes were so intense, he pinned her with his gaze again, just as he always did, and Shepard hated them for the power they had upon her. She gave him one last angry glare before she strode past him.

He stood there silently staring at the floor, his mind empty and his heart clenching. Something was terribly wrong with her, something happened to her that made her face so pale, her eyes so fearful, her body shaking. He turned abruptly and left the other's. Ashley watched him, her eyes glued on his back. She felt something going on between them, but it wasn't her place. If so then she would be happy for Shepard, she deserves it, she thought as she made her way to the engineering room. She was still thinking about what happened in the comm room, how Shepard stared wide eyed at her, the fear clearly written on her face. She just hoped that everything was alright with her.

####

Shepard ran into her room and locked the door, she was certain that Kaidan was right behind her, but she didn't dare to turn and see if that's true. The door slid shut and she fell on her bed, she was already crying silently when she ran here, but now all the frustration, anger and fear she felt a while ago crushed over her, all the horrible things she saw invaded her mind. She kept asking herself what's wrong with her, what happened with her mind. A few days ago she was fine, well, at least she was better then she was now. She hugged her pillow and cried into it, the pillow muffling her sobs and cries as her body shook with every sob she let out. Suddenly she heard a knock on her door and her body froze on her bed. She lifted her head and her eyes fell on the door, and another low knock erupted from it. She didn't speak though, she hoped that whoever knocked would leave her if she stays silent. The knocking stopped and Shepard could hear someone leaning his weight on the door.

"Shepard." Dear God...her breathing sped up and she sat up as she recognized the voice, her heartbeat quickening. She sobbed a few times before she stood up, she didn't move though, she stood there silently hugging here waist as she looked at the door.

"Shepard...I know you're there. Please...let me in." It was Kaidan. She sobbed again and hugged her waist tighter, her body starting to shake again. She was as silent as she could be, but with every passing second, it was harder and harder to stay focused and not to cry out loud. She knew he had her security lock, he could enter any minute.

Why isn't he entering then?

She couldn't help but wonder. He could enter, but yet he stayed outside, instead he begged her to let him in. She couldn't. She couldn't bare the sad look on his face now if he sees her crying. Shepard took a few steps towards the door and stopped again as he spoke.

"Shepard...I'm here if you need someone. Don't choke the sorrow's down into your mind...please." Her lower lip was quivering as she stopped just before the door, tears seeping down her face and her body shaking even more. She leaned her forehead and her palms on the door as she cried. She thought about opening the door, she thought about letting him in, not just in her room, but in her past and into her suffering. Everything would be so much easier if he knew about her problems, about her troubles.

She thought about talking to him, and she couldn't bear the thought of it. She just wasn't ready to tell him how she survived alone on the streets, how she stole to feed herself and how she managed to live like that. It was too much for her now. Then she remembered how she acted towards him in the comm room earlier, and that was enough for her to stay silent, her forehead and palms still leaned on the door. She didn't back away, instead she found it rather soothing to know he's just outside the door, his body leaned against the door. Her wide eyes stared at the door, wondering what he was doing now on the other side of the barrier that kept her from falling apart completely. She heard him readjust a little and she smiled as she still smelled his scent coming from the other side.

His forehead was leaned against the door as well as his hands that were turned to fists, his eyes only half open. His heart clenched at the thought of her crying now, and he wanted nothing else but to soothe the sadness and fear away from her. He took a deep breath to calm his racing mind, he had to find all the strength necessary to not enter the password on the panel. If she wanted me, she would've opened the door, he thought as he tried to breathe evenly and calm. He closed his eyes for a moment as he heard her readjust, and he could swear she was leaned against the door too so he found his voice to speak.

"Shepard...if there's anything I can do for you...please, let me know." He leaned away then, still close to the door as his mind screamed at him to enter her room. He shook his head then, he feared that if he stayed here a second longer he would ignore the thought of giving her a little time and space for herself. He took a backwards step and stopped before he spoke to her.

"You know where you can find me Shepard...good night." With that he turned and left, but he didn't walk too far away. He walked to the panels he always seemed to fix, he wanted to be close in case something happens to her. He stood there and watched the panels, his mind not really registering what he sees, instead he thought of Shepard.

Hours have passed and he thought of her, unable to think of anything else, until he grew tired. He walked one last time to her door and leaned his ear to it, to make sure she sleeps. When he heard no sound coming from her room, he made his way to his sleeping pod. It still pained him to know she's hurt, yet he couldn't do anything to cheer her up. He lied down and closed his eyes, but sleep would not take over. Instead he thought about Shepard, lying on her bed, her face buried in a pillow as she cried and cried. The thought was enough to break his heart again, and a lone tear escaped him because he felt useless, unable to help her...unable to sooth her worries away. He wanted nothing else but be the one whom she opens her heart to, and he would do anything to achieve that.

####

A few hours later...

Shepard stopped crying, she was a little calmer now then she was before. She was lying motionless on her bed, her eyes glued on the ceiling of her room. Suddenly her omny tool beeped and she sat up, clearly startled by the sudden sound. She received a message and her heartbeat quickened as she saw it was a message from Doctor Michel. Shepard hastily opened the message as she stood up, pacing her room up and down, clearly nervous of the results.

"Hello, this is Doctor Michel speaking. I have your results, but I don't have good news...ma'am." She didn't say her name, Shepard smiled at that, but her smile died as soon as Michel continued.

"Ma'am...your brain activity is...damaged. I also read from the graph that you suffer from depressions. But that's not all...ma'am, you suffer from psychotic depressions. It refers to a major depressive episode which is accompanied by psychotic symptoms, like hallucinations. You see things, don't you...ma'am?" The message was silent for a while until it continued.

"I have send you the necessary medications you should take for now, they should arrive by the time you hear this message. Later, when you return, you should get to me so we can discuss further treatment...ma'am. And I'm sorry." The message was out and silence filled the room. Shepard felt like she got hit by a truck, she felt as if the entire Citadel fell on her shoulders. She fell back on the bed, her heart and mind shattered. Her wide eyes were staring at the floor, she almost forgot to breathe as she remembered Michel's words, the pain striking her again. Half and hour later she received a small package, luckily, nobody saw the package. Shepard took both pills and swallowed them before she lied down on the bed again, hoping to rest a little before they would land on Virmire.

**Notes:**

Thank you to **Gabe97**, **HeartyMedusa **and **guest **for reviewing the last chapter. Let me know what you think on this one and of 'little Shepard'.

And of course, thanks to **Aquamonkey **for encouraging me to write this chapter. :-)


	7. Chapter 7

Virmire...

Shepard and her crew fought their way to the salarian camp, a large number of geth were waiting for them but luckily they could drive the mako, so it was a little easier to fight their way through. She, Kaidan and Garrus exited the mako, Joker landed with the Normandy, telling the Commander over radio that they landed as well. Shepard, Williams and Alenko walked towards Captain Kirrahe, he told them that he waited for reinforcement from the Council, but he was disappointed when he heard that Shepard and her crew were all they have sent. Shepard explained him that the message was unclear, but Kirrahe was already angry and frustrated. He told them that Saren is breeding an army of krogan warriors, and to make it worst, Wrex heard him. He was upset that Kirrahe wanted to blow the research facility along with all the research data Saren stored here. Wrex was furious, to know that there is a cure for the genophage, yet they all wanted it destroyed?

Shepard stood with Williams and Alenko, all of them discussing Wrex's behavior, all of them fearing that he's slowly but surely turning into an enemy. Ashley never turned her eyes away from his back before she spoke to Shepard, her hands crossed in front of her chest in front of her chest.

"I don't know Commander. Seeing Wrex behaving like this gives me the creeps. I don't like that at all." Kaidan understood her concern, but he also understood Wrex.

"Maybe you should talk to him Commander, and convince him that this is wrong."

"You think I should talk to him?" Shepard asked looking at Kaidan, he nodded before he glanced over his shoulder to Wrex, then back to her.

"Aye, ma'am. I think we can still convince him to stay our ally." Shepard sighed and shook her head.

"Alright...I'll try." Ashley shifted nervously, taking a sharp breath.

"I'll be watching him Commander, and if he does anything wrong, I won't hesitate." Shepard glared at her, the fact that Ashley would kill Wrex if necessary disturbing her.

"There's been too many victims, Williams. Don't do anything unless I tell you to."

"Aye, aye ma'am." Ashley answered her, a little hurt from her bold request. Shepard walked past Kaidan, feeling their eyes on her back. She closed the distance between her and the krogan quickly and stopped just a few feet away from him. Wrex turned to her, his eyes fixed on hers as he slowly came closer to her.

"What's all this about Shepard? He says Saren found a cure that could save my people, yet you're saying it would be best if we destroy it?!" Shepard swallowed hard, he's at edge, she thought as she tried to sound concerned.

"I know Wrex, but he is breeding an army he wants to turn against us. We can't take that risk!" Wrex came into her face then, his red cold eyes boring holes into hers. Ashley and Kaidan watched from afar, Kaidan's blood froze as he saw the krogan standing in front of Shepard, face to face. He knew Wrex could bite her head off in a blink of an eye. Ashley shifted and took out her pistol, holding it tight to her body.

"Get ready LT, seems the krogan loses it." Kaidan swallowed hard and prepared his mind for the next words he's about to say.

"She'll handle it, Chief." He trusted her, but he was also glad that Ashley was ready to shoot him, just as him should the need arise. Ashley shook her head and smiled at him, her eyes closely watching the krogan in Shepard's face.

"Yea but I like to be prepared, just in case." Shepard watched him, her eyes fixed on his and not backing away as she tried to sound reasonable.

"Wrex I know that Saren has the cure, but remember that he's fighting for the reapers! That he wants to use your people to slaughter the lives of millions!" Wrex backed away a bit and Shepard thought she convinced him...wrong! Wrex pulled his shotgun at her, and suddenly it was hard for Kaidan to breathe. He watched Shepard pulling out her pistol and pointing it at him, his heartbeat quickened as he thought that Wrex could shoot her. Ashley shifted and pointed her gun to Wrex as well, waiting for any sing of Shepard that would give her permission to kill him. Shepard held her ground though, not backing away from him as he spoke again.

"You're telling me to abandon the hope, the cure for the entire krogan race, because we need to save other species?! Who helped us when we needed it?! No one, and now all of them are claiming that we're a mistake! A bloody mistake! Help me out here Shepard...the line between enemy and friend is getting real thin." Shepard swallowed hard, her eyes blinked rapidly at Wrex as small tears of sweat formed on her forehead. Her vision doubled suddenly, her breathing ragged and her hands started to shake a little, her body temperature rising. What's wrong with me, she thought as she lowered her pistol, her hands still shaking from an unknown reason. She was still facing him, but she also saw Ashley from the corner of her eye aiming at Wrex so she felt safe.

"I know Wrex, but your people would be slaves to Saren's will. Is this what you want? Do you really want your people to be enslaved? Again?" Wrex was silently observing her, his eyes wandering across her face and his shotgun held firmly towards her. Shepard started to doubt her decision to lower her weapon as the eyes of Wrex pinned her with such intensity that she almost fainted. Her vision was still blurry, her hands were still shaking a little when finally, Wrex lowered his weapon, still glaring at Shepard. She let out the breath she was holding and her entire body relaxed, although she felt weary.

"I'll trust you Shepard...for now. But when we get to Saren, I wanna have his head." Shepard nodded to that.

"Deal." Wrex nods his head to her and with that, she turned and left. She managed to walk straight ahead although she wondered what could cause her weariness. Maybe it's because of the pills..? Shepard suddenly stopped on her halfway back to Ashley and Kaidan, both looking at her and wondering why she stopped. Shepard stared at the ground before her as many questions rose in her mind. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a while before she continued her walk to them. She stopped next to them and Ashley nods to her.

"Good job Commander, LT was right. You can handle that." Shepard locked her eyes on his face and there she saw the faintest hint of red on his cheeks. He blushed a little and Shepard found him very cute, her vision not so blurry anymore as a small smile appeared on her face.

"Ma'am." Was all Kaidan managed to say, still feeling a bit embarrassed. He saw her smile though and it immediately got warmer around his heart, and seeing that Wrex didn't harm her made him happy. Shepard stood there and turnded her head away from him, now staring at the ground, her forehead slightly glowing because of her sweat. She rubbed the sweat with the back of her hand while letting out a deep breath as the heat rose to her head. It was hot here on Virmire, but she felt as if she's baked in an oven. She looked around desperately searching for a shadow where she could sit down a bit. Kaidan saw the sweat on her forehead, his brows furrowed together as he took a step closer to her.

"Commander, are you well?" Shepard's head snapped up at his question, he saw she was pale and sweaty, her pupils dilated and her lip pale as her face. She smiled weakly before she rubbed her eyes, hoping to clear her vision. She looked back at Kaidan only to see his face stiff with worry, as well as Ashley's.

"I, ah, it's just too hot here. I'll go and sit down there in the shadow a bit. Won't be long." She walked past them, crossing the distance between her and the shadow fast because she feared she would black out. Luckily, she managed to sit down on the log and the cool breeze under the shadow cooled her immediately. She opened her collar a bit and leaned her back and head on the rock behind her. She closed her eyes for a moment to enjoy the solitude and the cold breeze, suddenly she felt someone next to her. She opened her eyes slowly, her head turning to the side as she spotted the little girl, her little self sitting next to her. Shepard gulped, she knew she wasn't real, but still it freaked her out to see her whenever she wants to relax. After a while little Shepard looked up at her, her eyes blinking innocently at her as a small smile appeared on her face. She had pig tails, her hands were bloody again and her clothes were a bit different. Shepard sat there frozen looking at the little girl next to her as the cool breeze seemed cooler then it really was.

_'It's nice here, isn't it?'_

The little girl stated and Shepard took a deep breath as she looked around. No one was close to her and no one would hear her talk, so...

"Why are you here, tormenting me?" The little girl looked around, looking at each of her crew member, her bloody hands folded under her chin.

_'I'm not tormenting you, I'm lonely. I just want someone to talk to.'_

Shepard looked down at the girl, cold sweat ran down her forehead as she tried to keep a cool head. She washed the sweat away with the back of her hand as she took a deep breath. Keep it together Shepard.

"You're here because you want to torment me." Within a second, the girl was not next to her anymore. She was in her face now, her little blue, angry eyes boring into Shepard's. She gulped and almost panicked, she didn't want that little kid to be so close to her.

_'It's easy for you to talk! You have your crew, and most importantly, you have HIM!'_

"Who are you talking about?!" She almost screamed, frightened she looked around to see if anyone heard her. Luckily, everyone was too far away. The girl leaned away and smiled down at her, crossing her bloody hands in front of her chest.

_'You know who...that bloody lieutenant! He is nice and worried about you, for now, but he will abandon you! Just like everyone else!'_

"Stop it...he would never do that." Shepard muttered to herself, she closed her eyes as she searched for something in her pocket. After a while she found it, the two pills she put in for cases like these. She threw them into her mouth and swallowed as little Shepard never seemed to stop talking. Shepard leaned her back and head on the rock behind her again, hoping that she could block that part of her mind.

_'He is not worth any of your troubles! You will only get distracted if you let him near you! You're a Spectre, your duty comes first, before all else. Yet you would sacrifice so much for-'_

"Shepard." She sat up and opened her eyes, startled by the other voice. She looked around and saw little Shepard gone, then her eyes fell on Kaidan who stood a few feet away from her. She smiled as she saw him, but then her blood froze; what if he saw me taking the pills? Shepard swallowed many times, her face pale and her heartbeat frantic. She thought about an excuse for the pills, about something she could say to him, anything! Then he came closer until he sat down next to her, Shepard readjusted, leaning her forearms on her knees as she waited for him to start questioning her about the pills. Kaidan watched her for a long time, silently observing her pale and sweaty face. He took a deep breath as he looked around to make sure no one will hear them speak.

"Are you well, Shepard?" She smiled, both from relief and happiness.

"I'm fine, it's just the heat, and the armor doesn't make it any easier."

"I know, but we need to stay focused. Captain Kirrahe gave us little time to relax until he comes up with a plan." He silenced then, he felt something wrong around her, something that made him worried.

"Are you sure you're okay...Shepard?" She looked up at him to closely study his face. How could that man ever hurt me, she thought as the smile widened on her face. She knew that little Shepard is wrong, Kaidan would never abandon her.

"I am, Kaidan...but thanks for asking. I appreciate that...I truly do." She placed her hand on his then, a nice gesture which surprised him completely. He stared at her hand on his for a while before he placed his other hand on hers. He looked into her eyes, his calm, lovely chocolate eyes soothing her mind and making her relaxed. He gave her the smile which made her heart jump and she couldn't help but feel happy.

"I'm glad you do Shepard...I really am." He said the last as a whisper, Shepard's heart almost jumping out of her chest. They sat like this for a long while, their hands ranked with each other, both enjoying the warmth and solitude, none of them saying a word. It was the silence they needed and the presence of each other. Kaidan wanted to hug her, right here right now, he didn't want to mess things up though, with the crew and with her. Shepard looked around and saw Ashley talking with Kirrahe, she knew he would send her to search for her and Kaidan. She stood up then, still holding his hand before she lifted him as well. Confused, he watched her smiling up at him and he couldn't help but smile too.

"Seems Kirrahe came up with a plan. Let's go."

"Aye Aye, ma'am." Kaidan and Shepard made their way back to the salarian Captain who clearly waited for them. Shepard, Ashley and Kaidan stood with Kirrahe talking about his plan to infiltrate Saren's base. He wanted to divide his men into three teams which would all be named by the Salarian heroes, hoping that would boost their morale. Kirrahe silenced then for a while, looking straight at Shepard.

"I know that the next thing I will ask of you won't please you, but I will need the help of one of your human crew members to lead my teams." Shepard's blood froze. They were supposed to attack the fortress on the front, and he wants her to willingly leave either Ashley or Kaidan to his command? Shepard crossed her hands and readjusted from one leg to the other, her angry eyes directed at Kirrahe.

"That's a bold request." Kirrahe nodded to her before he spoke.

"It is, and I know it's a hard decision. But your men are capable, and I will need their help. I won't say that all of us will make it out alive, but it will be a lot easier if you would send one of them with us." Shepard swallowed hard, her heartbeat frantic. She knew Kirrahe was right, but she didn't want to leave anyone outside her command.

"He's right, Commander. He will need our help to lead the troops. I volunteer." That almost broke her. Kaidan volunteered. He wanted to go down there and maybe...maybe...

"No way LT. You need to stay with the Commander, she will need your help around the bomb. Send me Commander." These words hit her hard again. Both Ashley and Kaidan wanted to go, both wanted to risk their lives...both wanted to leave her. Shepard straightened her spine, the last thing they need to see is how you start crying Shepard!

"Who would be more appropriate for this task?" She finally asked.

"Any one of them will do Commander. Both are skilled and willing to sacrifice their lives for the greater good, if necessary." That's the answer Shepard feared she would get. Now she had to decide who goes with her, and who stays with Kirrahe. Suddenly Kaidan came up from behind, his eyes looking at her.

"Commander, with all due respect, I think I would be better for this task. Williams will be better of protecting you." Shepard watched him, her heart tightening in her chest as she fought back her tears. She wanted him to stay with her, badly, but Kaidan was a soldier, just like her. So she understood him, although it killed her, chocked her.

"Alright, Alenko. You're going with Kirrahe and his men." There was something in his eyes as she said that. Shepard couldn't bring herself to look away as she gazed deep into his eyes, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide. Kaidan smiled then, a smile that said all that needed to be said.

Everything is going to be fine.

All she saw in his eyes was reassurance, comfort, protection and safety. Kirrahe left to arrange the teams Kaidan would lead on. Ashley came to them and crossed her hands, observing Shepard and Kaidan at the same time. Kirrahe held a speech to his men to lift their morale, to tell them that even if they die, they will be remembered, every single one of them, and that their sacrifice won't be in vain.

The speech ended and Shepard came to Alenko and Williams for a last debriefing before they would part their ways. Shepard's lump in her throat grew unbelievably big, but she was no little girl that would cry in front of them, no matter how much it pained her. Instead she managed to toughen her posture as Kaidan started to speak, his face worried.

"Commander, I..."

"Everything will be fine Kaidan. Remember, keep your guard up and stay focused." Focused...how can I be focused if you're not around me, Shepard.

"Aye, ma'am. It's just...I wanted to say it's been an honor to have served with such a fine crew, and under your command." And that you mean more to me then you would ever guess...Shepard.

"Save that for later LT. We and the crew have a vacation planned, remember? And don't try anything stupid or I'll drag you back and kick your ass." Kaidan chuckled a bit, then his eyes fell on Shepard again, and his heart almost stopped as the lump in his throat grew bigger then he thought it was.

"Commander...I just want to say it's been an honor and privilege to fight beside you, the first human Spectre. Take care, the both of you." And know that I always cared for you Shepard...

His eyes fell one last time on Shepard, giving her a reassuring smile, his warm eyes looking into hers. She wanted to cry, scream, yell...but she didn't want him to go, not Kaidan. She wanted so much to tell him, so much that was on her heart...

"We'll see you on the other side, LT." Ashley said, and with that he turned and left. Shepard's heart broke in half as she watched him leave towards Kirrahe's men, having it real hard not to burst into tears. Ashley and Shepard made their way to their camp. She struggled to breathe, and she had it hard to keep walking straight and not turning back to him. She locked herself away in her mind, the voices around her muffled. She saw Garrus, Wrex, Ashley, Liara and Talli picking up their weapons, all of them ready to go after Saren...all of them ready to die. She couldn't bear the thought to lose anyone of them, her friends, but the thought of losing Kaidan choked her most. It was then she heard little Shepard's voice in her mind again.

_'See? He abandoned you...'_

####

They passed the first watchtower and headed for the second. Geth, drones, krogans...they all encountered them on their way, their numbers growing while they approached the tower. Kaidan and Kirrahe kept her updated, ever few minutes they would call and let them know their status. Shepard was only concerned about one thing though. She killed every enemy in record time, Ashley and Wrex always watching her back as she leapt into the fights. She wanted to be done with them as fast as possible so she could help Kaidan and his troops.

She wasn't even aware of fighting the enemy troops. Her mind was too absorbed thinking about Kaidan and his well being. She realized something then, something that scared her a bit. She realized she couldn't bear the thought of losing him. It choked her, preventing her from breathing and thinking straight. She was anxious, sick, her mind not leaving her in peace. Instead, it showed her images of Kaidan lying dead on the ground because she didn't make it too fast to him. She swallowed her scream as she shot a few geth's, distracting her from those disturbing thoughts a little.

Half an hour later they passed the second watchtower and reached the base underworks. Ashley stopped before the terminal to find a way to open the door that would bring them further in. Suddenly they received a transmission, from Kaidan, and Shepard was happy to hear his voice.

"We've taken several casualties. I repeat, we've taken several casualties! Team Mannovai has taken severe damage! Jaeto, flank the geth and-" An explosion was heard in the background and the transmission was cut off. Shepard's heart stopped as she started to pace up and down a line, hoping for another transmission from him, but her radio was silent.

"Alenko? Alenko, do you copy?!" Her heart beat quickened as she heard nothing but silence on the radio. Ashley watched her for a while, her heart sinking into the void as well. She swallowed hard before she spoke to Shepard.

"Commander, I can open these doors through this terminal, but I can also trigger an alarm that would send the geth inside this building to the other end of the building, meaning LT and his troops would have to face them." Shepard swallowed hard as she stared at the ground. The last thing Kaidan needs is more geth and krogan heading their way.

"No way. Don't trigger the alarms. We can handle them." Ashley smiled at that.

"Aye, aye ma'am." Ashley glanced at Shepard, observing her face as her fingers hacked through the terminal. She smiled again, she suspected that there was something going on between her and Kaidan, but it wasn't her place to ask. If so, she's happy for them. She read in Shepard's files that she had a rough past, she needed someone like Kaidan. Ashley turned back to the terminal, hacking through the last securities before the doors unlocked. All of them took out their rifles as they approached the underworks.

"Something more to kill...nice." Wrex stated just before they entered the underworks, fighting their way through geth and some Indoctrinated salarian soldiers. They killed them as fast as possible, all of them eager to finish this bloody mission. Shepard didn't talk with anyone, she just hadn't the nerve to. She was too troubled, and right now she didn't cared about anything.

Except Kaidan's safety.

####

He took cover behind one of the crates that were scattered all around this place, all of them being shot at from every possible direction. He ordered his men around, all of them well hidden from the shots, although some weren't that lucky. A few geth sniper's made it all more difficult, forcing them to take cover and shoot only when they are safe. Hell, as if they were ever safe here. He looked around and saw the many salarian soldier's all hidden behind the crates, all waiting for the best time to shoot. He turned and shot a few geth until he hastily retreated behind the crate lest a sniper would shoot him. Suddenly, everything around him died. No sound, no smell, no vision...it was as if his mind shut down.

Kaidan lowered his rifle as he slowly fell to the ground, his back leaned on the crate behind him. His head rested on the crate as he closed his eyes for a moment, taking a very deep breath. He shot the geth's, he shot the krogans...but he never really saw them, or heard them. He wasn't really aware of this entire situation. He tried to contact her over radio, to hear her voice and to let her know he's fine, but he couldn't. The radio was shut down probably because of a nearby geth transmitter that jammed the radio signal. Kirrahe let him know that team Shadow reached the underworks. He smiled then. Of course she would reach the underworks, she was Shepard. The capable, brave and fearless Shepard.

He was thinking of her, the entire bloody time, wishing he was there with her. He didn't even know why he volunteered when all he wanted was to be next to her. His thoughts were interrupted by a nearby explosion. He jumped up and peeped from behind the crate to see where exactly the explosion happened. It happened close to him, the salarian warriors that stood there in hiding turned to dust. Kaidan cleared his thoughts then. He needed to stay alive and he needed to focus. Shepard still needed his help here, and after they killed Saren, they will all leave for a long vacation. That's what he looked forward to, and that's what gave him new strength, her name in his thoughts, her smile...

####

Team Shadow entered Saren's base interior, killing a large number of indoctrinated salarian warriors and a lot of husks on their way through. Later they found a scientist, Rana Thanoptis, who tells them that Saren's ship, Sovereign, had the ability to break someone's will, making them into mindless followers of Saren's will. That's what Saren researched here, he wanted to know and learn how the ship takes control of someone's mind. After Shepard asked her the necessary questions, she let her go. They used the elevator to Saren's lab, hoping they would find another clue about where to find the Conduit. They entered with their rifles out, thinking to find any enemies in here. Luckily, the lab was empty. They walked in and took the stairs only to see another beacon, the same as on Eden Prime.

Shepard approached the beacon, and the same thing happened to her just like on Eden Prime. The beacon injected it's vision into her brain, finally completing the vision, still it was unclear to Shepard. After the vision ended, she fell on the floor and both Wrex and Ashley stormed off to her.

"Commander? Are you well?" Ashley helped her get up, her mind still heavy and weary from the vision. They walked up the stairs, wanting to leave the lab when suddenly, a hologram appeared. The hologram started talking, and when Shepard approached it, it said that she's not Saren, that it'll only speak to Saren. Shepard questioned the 'hologram', it talked something about a cycle that cannot be broken, and that they cannot stop or change it. Later, they found out that Sovereign is not a reaper ship, but and actual Reaper. That sent chills down her spine. How were they going to fight a ship that is thousand's of years old and that has mind controlling abilities? Shepard didn't knew the answer now, but she swore Sovereign she would find a way to stop him, and with that it left, leaving a very confused Shepard, Ashley and Wrex behind. They moved up to the second floor, their business here was done so they wanted to return to their actual task. Suddenly a big explosion shattered all the glass in the lab. The explosion was so hard that they all fell on the ground, all of them stunned. Shepard hit her head as she fell, the glass scattered around her. It was then she lost the will to stand up as she thought that her life would end, feeling immense pain through her body. She felt weary then, and no matter how hard she fought the darkness, it still engulfed her.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **Aquamonkey**, as always, for encouraging me to write this.

Thanks to **Gabe97**, **xforeverquotex **and **geoavenger** for reviewing the last chapter. Hope you enjoyed this one and let me know what you think on Shepard's issues.

Next chapter will be up sooner :-)


	8. Chapter 8

A dark, cold alleyway. It was night, the street lights the only thing that lighted the way. The wind was cold, icy even, it blew from one moment to another. The whistling sound of tree branches and leaves filled the silent streets. A storm would appear surely, a few drops of rain already fell on the empty roads. A few stray animal's walked along the street, cats and dogs, all homeless, searching for a safe shelter through the oncoming storm. A sob was heard in the distance, almost let out as a whisper, silent and frightened. The cats and dogs would stop startled by the sound, their predatory eyes searching for what caused the sound. After a while of looking and staring into the darkness they left, searching for a shelter.

A small figure sat in the corner of the alleyway, alone, sobbing and trembling. The rain started to fall on her shoulders, soon it would seep down from the heavens, but she had no place to go, no safe shelter to return to. She was forced to spend the cold night alone, in the alleyway, with nothing more then two blankets. One she stole from the shop earlier this morning, the other she found in the garbage. A family threw the blanket away and, when they weren't looking, she went and took the blanket, putting it in her bag along with the glass of hot dogs, a small piece of bread and some cheese she stole the other day. She took out the glass and took one hot dog with one piece of cheese and a little bread. She had to save something til tomorrow, then she would steal something, again. Her small, shaking hands gripped the hot dog and she ate it, her lips still quivering from her crying. She sat on the floor, eating the hot dog away, but it wasn't enough for her. She was hungry, but if she ate more now, she would have nothing to eat tomorrow.

She lifted her head and looked around, her small mouth chewing the hot dog until she swallowed it. Her eyes spotted some cats walking the streets. She liked cats, she always wanted one, but she learned that the stray cats are rather dangerous and aggressive, so she kept away from them. She ate the small piece of bread and hot dog fast, taking her bottle of water and drinking a bit. That was her dinner, some days, she had nothing at all, so she was grateful for every meal she had.

She tucked the two blankets close to her, the wind starting to blow more furiously then before. Then the rain fell, and she started crying again. Her sobs were almost silent, her shoulders shaking with every sob she let out. The rain fell and fell, soon the streets were covered with water, her blankets as well as her clothes soaked. She tucked the blankets even closer as her body started to shake more violently, the cold rain and soaked clothes freezing her small body. It seemed the rain would fall all night, she closed her eyes tightly and cried. She missed her mommy and daddy, she missed her home, her life...she prayed to God again, praying that mommy and daddy return to her, and that her life will be as it was. With her mommy and daddy.

####

"Commander!" The corners of her eyes were getting wet, the cold and empty streets still before her, the rain sill falling down.

"Commander!" A voice called her, she was not alone anymore. That voice was familiar, sweet and...tough. She heard explosions in the background, the shattering of glasses, the sounds of engines...wait, where am I?

"Commander, come on! We gotta move!" She felt someone lifting her from the ground, and as soon as her feet reached the floor her eyes flew wide open. She frantically looked around, her mind gathering what's going on around them. Then she remembered everything. She remembered Sovereign, Saren's ship, she remembered why they were here...and she remembered that Kaidan needed their help.

"What happened Chief?" The glass still shattered around them as they headed out of the lab.

"I'm not quite sure...we talked with a hologram that claimed to be a reaper. It disappeared and a explosion shattered the glass and knocked us all out." Suddenly the radio rustled until Joker's voice became clear.

"Commander Shepard! Do you copy? Anyone from team Shadow, do you copy?!" He was worried, Shepard could tell from the sound of his voice

"I hear ya Joker. What's the matter?"

"Commander? Thank God I got through. Commander you all need to get out of there, fast. Sovereign just pulled a move that would shear any ship in the Alliance in half! You gotta hurry so I can get you out of there!"

"Avoid any attacks coming your way Joker! We'll be done in no time." Joker sighed over the radio.

"Aye aye ma'am." Shepard, Ashley and Wrex made their way to the geothermal taps that powered Saren's base. They would plant the bomb there because Kirrahe considered it a weak point. The bomb would be planted there and they would get out...but sometimes, not everything goes according to plan.

####

Team Shadow reached the geothermal taps, after fighting wave after wave of geth and drones, they finally made it. The Normandy swooped in, opening the hatch so the crew could carry out the drive core that was converted into a nuclear bomb. Ashley came up and helped them to carry the bomb out, Shepard, Wrex and the others stood guard in case any geth appears. They put the bomb down and made the last necessary preparations before they could activate it, suddenly Shepard received a transmission, and her blood froze.

"Commander, we are under heavy fire! Geth are dropping all over the place!" It was Kaidan, his voice ragged and pained.

"Can you hold them off?!" Shepard practically yelled in the radio as panic overwhelmed her.

"Negative, Commander! There are too many!"

"Commander, we still need a few minutes to prepare the bomb! Go and save the LT!" Shepard nodded to Ashley and took out her rifle.

"Wrex! Garrus! With me!" They stormed off to the second AA tower to reach it as soon as possible. Geth and krogan warlords stood in their way, trying to prevent them from reaching the tower. Shepard barely saw what was going on around her, she barely breathed as she shot down geth after geth. They needed to be fast because Ashley would soon be ready to activate the bomb. Garrus killed the many geth snipers in the distance with his sniper rifle where Wrex watched Shepard's back. The battle seemed to stretch, making Shepard even more frightened. After a long battle they finally took the elevator to help Kaidan and Captain Kirrahe. She only hoped she would reach Kaidan in time before anything happens to him.

The doors of the elevator opened and they took out their rifles as they made their way towards the stairs. They reached the top floor only to see a Geth dropship flying over them.

"Chief, a geth dropship is flying your way!" Kaidan said breathless over the radio and Shepard stopped, barely breathing.

"I know, the geth are crawling all over the place!"

"Can you hold them off until I'm back?" Shepard panicked again, yelling on the radio.

"Negative, Commander! There's too many of them." Ashley silenced for a while, taking a deep breath. Somehow, Shepard knew what was about to happen.

"I'm putting in the launch code!"

"What are you doing, Chief?!" Shepard yelled at her over the radio, her heartbeat frantic.

"I'm making sure the bomb goes off, no matter what." Then Joker joins the conversation.

"Commander we don't have the time for chatting! We need to get out of here!" Shepard took a deep breath to steel herself.

"Joker, go and grab Alenko and then return for us and Williams." Joker let out a long breath. That breath said everything that needed to be said to Shepard. The world around her died as she feared for the worst.

"Commander, I'm afraid I won't make it. There's not enough time to save both." And with that, her heart stopped for a few seconds. She looked around, thinking and nothing but thinking for a solution, but whatever she thought of, was in vain. Suddenly Ashley spoke through the radio, her voice trying to sound tough.

"Commander, go grab the LT and get the hell out of here!" Ashley yelled through the radio but Kaidan wouldn't have it.

"No way Chief! You're going on board!" Shepard swallowed hard, her voice gone and her eyes watering. She knew she didn't have time for this, but...

"Ashley..."

"Commander, we both know it's the best choice to save the LT! We both know it!"

"Wrong Commander! Save the Chief!" Shepard was leaned on the railing next to her, her head lowered and her eyes closed. It was the thing she feared most. Now she had to choose between Ashley, or Kaidan. She thought about losing Ashley, how she would feel and how she would get through with it. The she thought about losing Kaidan...tears started to fall down her face as she actually thought to leave Kaidan behind. Then she remembered his hugs, his soothing voice, his strong arms around her, protecting her. She remembered his smile, his eyes, his soothing words...Shepard sobbed aloud, both Kaidan and Ashley hearing it, both swallowing hard.

"Shepard..." Kaidan said to her as he heard her sob, and Shepard's heart broke in half. Ashley took a deep, shaky breath before she spoke.

"Commander...Shepard...don't do this to yourself." Shepard sobbed again and gripped the railing tightly with her hands, her knuckles turning white.

"Ashley..."

"Yes ma'am..." It was more a statement then a question, more accepting the decision Shepard already made. Shepard opened her eyes and looked around, her heart tightening.

"I'm so sorry, Ash." Shepard sobbed again before she took a deep shaky breath.

"Alenko, tell Joker over the radio to pick you up." Her voice was trembling and low, Kaidan was silent for a while, hearing nothing but his ragged and low breathing. Ashley took another deep breath before she spoke.

"Don't worry, LT. It's the right decision. You both know it." Ashley shot a few geth's as she talked with them. Kaidan swallowed again before he spoke, his voice low and bitter.

"Commander, I-"

"Don't question her decision, LT! It's for the best..for the both of you..." Shepard's eyes snapped open at that, her watery eyes staring at her hands.

"Ashley, what-"

"Take care of her LT...that's my wish. Shepard?"

"Yes Ashley?" Shepard's voice was breaking, she couldn't hide the tears that escaped her.

"Remember, you did NOT abandon me. Don't ever think you did..." With that she turned of her radio. Shepard stood there for a while before she gathered her thoughts. She took a deep breath and took out her rifle, before storming off to the elevator that would lead them to the AA tower. She lost Ashley, but she would make sure she won't lose Kaidan...not him.

####

Kaidan shut down his radio communication while he slid down on his rear, his back leaned on the crate behind him. Everything was blurry, everything seemed like it wasn't real around him. He only remembered what Ashley said to him a while ago.

Take care of Shepard...

He wondered, was it so obvious? Was his affection for her so obvious that all the other crew members noticed it? He blinked rapidly to fight back his tears as he realized that Ashley Williams, Gunnery Chief and crew member of the SSV-Normandy, was left to die...because of...of...

He couldn't finish his thought. He swallowed the big lump as two tears made it's way down his face. The geth fired mercilessly on his crate, he felt the impacts of the bullets on the crate vibrating on his back, but he didn't care. He rubbed his eyes with his forefingers, his heart unbelievably aching and broken. He couldn't thought about anything else then her last request, to take care of Shepard. He opened his eyes and stared at the sky. Ashley was like a sister to him, a sister he never had. And now he lost her, because of...of him.

Kaidan felt disgusted. He hated himself for being the one to tell Joker to pick him up. He felt like a coward, and Ashley was the brave one. He wanted to save his 'sister', he was even ready to die here. But Shepard made her choice: she chose him. She chose him over Ashley...that brought many thoughts in his mind, and many questions. The main question, the question that bothered him most was why...why did she chose him. It was then his eyes fell to the doors to the AA tower, only to reveal his saving grace. Shepard entered and shot three geth with her rifle. She hasn't spotted him at first so he had time to look at her.

He saw her narrowed angry eyes glaring from under her eyelashes, her stiff body, her pale face. Kaidan sat behind the crate and watched her for a long time, she killing the geth, Wrex and Garrus always behind her watching her back. It was then she spotted him, and her face wasn't stiff or angry anymore. It was relief and an amount of fear he saw on her face. She smiled then, only a little, and he had to smile back at her. He was happy to see her unharmed, happy to see her face once again...happy to be able to watch over her.

His thoughts were interrupted by a explosion a few feet away from him, shattering the crate he was behind to pieces and throwing him in the air a bit. Shepard screamed his name as he fell on the ground hitting his head hard, almost knocking him out. Kaidan tried to stand up, desperately, but his body just hadn't the strength. All the exhaustion crushed over him, making his body as heavy as stone to move. Kaidan lifted his head and looked around, Wrex was standing to his left, Garrus next to Wrex. Suddenly he felt warm and strong hands lifting him, putting his hand over her shoulders to carry him away. He smiled when he saw her armor carrying him away, and he couldn't help but feel relieved.

Shepard carried him away, she couldn't walk too fast because she didn't know if he was injured. Suddenly Garrus screamed, warning Shepard.

"Shepard take cover!" It was too late. A strong biotic force hit her and Kaidan, not directly but close enough to inflict some damage. Shepard lost Kaidan as she flew on one side, Kaidan opposite of her. Shepard hit her head but she hastily stood up as she felt the loss of Kaidan's body. She looked around, but she couldn't stay still and look for Kaidan because a series of biotic attacks were directed at her. Shepard took cover behind a large metal crate, then she took the time to look around. Panic overwhelmed her when she couldn't see Kaidan anywhere, her heart almost stopping.

"Kaidan!" She yelled his name, hoping he would hear her. Shepard almost started crying as she didn't hear any answer, but soon relief washed over her.

"Sh-Shepard..." Shepard's head snapped at the direction of his voice, but somehow his voice was...different. She looked at him with horror written on her face as she saw his hand pressing on his left shoulder, his hand bloody. Her face went pale and a cold shudder ran down her spine when she realized it was his blood. She stood up, wanting to run to him, but another biotic attack stopped her. She peeked around the crate but saw nothing that could've attacked her, she turned to Kaidan then, seeing his face stiff with pain as his hand pressed on his wound.

"Kaidan." She said aloud, he turned his head to her, a weak, painful smile on his face.

"I'll...be fine...Shepard..." He leaned his head on the crate behind him, taking very deep and ragged breaths. Shepard watched him for a while. Don't leave me Kaidan, was all her mind repeated like a mantra, over and over. She took a deep breath and stood up, her rifle in her hands and ready to shoot whatever attacked her. It was then she saw Saren on his platform glaring down at Shepard, his arms crossed. Shepard stepped out of the cover, her rifle pointed at him and her angry eyes glaring at him.

"Congratulations, Shepard. I thought the salarian troops were the real threat. I never would've guessed that you were here. But I'm glad the Council found a new pet they could control." Shepard glanced at Kaidan, seeing his painful face and his trembling body made her heart ache. She returned her angry glare at Saren, the rifle pointed at his head.

"Why are you doing this? You're a Specter, you damn fuck, you were sworn to protect the galaxy from all harm!" Saren smiled at her words, he leaned a bit down with his platform, only so Shepard could have a better look at him. She went green with anger as she saw his smile.

"There are some things more important than the will of the Council. Soon, everything will fall to dust, even the Council." Shepard pointed her rifle at him, trying to look intimidating.

"What are you talking about you worthless piece of shit?!" She heard Kaidan cough so she turned her head towards him. Garrus was kneeling down next to him, rubbing some medi-gel on the wound. Shepard looked back at Saren who glared down at her.

"Swearing won't help you Shepard. Let's just say that I got...enlightened in the truth. That I know which side to choose. I chose the right side, the side that will save me from annihilation."

"So you sold out the entire galaxy only so you could save YOUR ass?! You're pathetic! You honestly think that Sovereign will need you when he accomplishes what he wants?!" Shepard never stopped yelling at him. Again she heard Kaidan cough, this time more badly, suddenly Garrus spoke to her through the radio.

"Shepard he needs medical assistance. We need to get to the Normandy, fast!" Shepard sighed, frustrated and angry that Saren kept her talking like this, but she had to find out all she could.

"Don't you realize Shepard? The Reapers are winning again. But now we have the chance to join them in rebuilding a new civilisation, after we erased every living being. We will be the only ones who survive Shepard, if only you and your crew would join me." Shepard smiled bitterly at that. She glared up at him, she realized then he was controlled by Sovereign, just like everyone else around it.

"Don't you see it has clouded your mind? Don't you realize that it's only needing you to find the Conduit. After that, he will throw you away!" Shepard would try one last time to convince him to go back to them.

"Saren, it's not too late. Together, we can stop the Reapers!" Saren lowered his head for a while before he looked back at her, a small amount of pity on his face.

"You don't see, Shepard. Your courage is built out of ignorance. There's is nothing that can stop them, the only thing we can do is join them." He silenced for a while before he spoke again.

"But you would sacrifice the lives of millions rather than to submit. This is meaningless Shepard, but I will not let you ruin our plans. You die here!" With that, he launched his biotics at her. Shepard managed to find cover behind the crates. Saren was a mighty biotic and Shepard couldn't get reckless, yet she had to hurry. The bomb was ticking, there were only a few minutes left til it would explode. Shepard jumped from cover to cover, aiming and hitting Saren while doing so. She had to stay focused, one hit with his biotics could kill her. Saren was in advantage, he swept through the air on his platform, which Shepard found very annoying.

They fought what felt like hours, she dodging his abilities while he dodged her bullets. She then went out of her cover and ran to him as Saren jumped down from the platform, throwing his rifle away. Shepard shot him but the bullets wouldn't penetrate his shield. Shepard wanted to hit him with her rifle when he came in her face, but he just pushed her rifle away. With no time to react he grabbed her by her neck and dragged her to the edge. He pushed her head down, choking her, chasing the air out of her lungs.

Suddenly he let his guard down and turned his head away from her, which was a grave mistake. Shepard punched him, hard, so he stumbled back a little. He watched her with narrowed eyes before he jumped on his platform again. He glared down on Shepard one last time before he departed, leaving them behind. Shepard found the last reserves of her strength to stand up, her entire body hurting from the exhausting mission. She came to Kaidan, Garrus and Wrex as the Normandy landed to pick them up. They hastily entered, Shepard leading Kaidan in and bringing him to Doctor Chakwas. She immediately started to examine him, removing his armor first.

Shepard stood there silently watching Chakwas and her assistant removing the armor from Kaidan, he hissing from the pain. She ran her hand through her hair as the events slowly reached her mind. She lost Ashley, she let her down there to die, but had she chosen Ashley, Kaidan would be dead now. She breathed heavily, the air suddenly too thick to breathe and the room choking her. She couldn't be here anymore and watch his bloody body, she needed to get out. She practically ran out of the emergency room to her quarter's, she needed to be alone for now. Kaidan saw her leave, he wanted to call her, but he was just too tired and exhausted. His head fell back as his mind started to process the things that happened today. He lost a very dear fried today, but Shepard lost her too. He would need to go to her as soon as Chakwas fixed him up. Shepard couldn't be alone now...not when she had him.

####

The door to Shepard's room slid close, her head lowered as she walked over to the bed, she sat down on it and cradled her face in her palms. She was sad and heartbroken, but the tears just wouldn't come. She didn't know why, but she couldn't cry, even when Shepard replayed Ashley's last words. She was gone, Ashley was dead by now. It was then she heard another voice in her room. Her head snapped up and she looked around only to see little Shepard standing in the corner, her Teddy hugged close to her. Shepard sobbed then, her shoulders heavy as she gripped the bed sheets, her knuckles turning white.

"Please, leave me alone." Shepard begged her, the tears rolling down her face, but little Shepard just stood there, watching her with narrowed angry eyes, her Teddy held close to her with her bloody hands.

_'Just like you left Ashley to die?'_

Shepard leaned her forearms on her knees and ranked her hands in her hair, pulling it tightly. She rocked back and forth, the guilt choking her.

"I had to make a choice!" Little Shepard came towards her, still staring down at Shepard.

_'But you made the wrong choice! Why did you save him?! Why couldn't you save Ashley?'_

Little Shepard was yelling at her now, and that was enough for Shepard. She stood up from the bed and walked to her medical locker, she entered the security lock and took out the two bottles of pills. She took four pills, two of each. She had to get rid of little Shepard, badly. She swallowed the pills and closed her eyes tightly, then she opened her eyes only to see little Shepard standing next to her. She swallowed hard as fear and despair overwhelmed her.

_'You think that these pills will help you get rid of me?!'_

Shepard walked past her towards her bed, sitting down and closing her eyes tightly as she pulled her hair again. Little Shepard sat down next to her, her Teddy close to her.

_'You can't get rid of me! I am you, Jane!'_

"Please go away...please, I beg you!" Shepard pleaded, but little Shepard just wouldn't go away.

_'I am YOU, Jane! And YOU are alone! You had Ashley and you chose to let her die!'_

"Please...stop..." She fell down on her bed, her hands still ranked in her hair as the pills slowly started to work, muffling little Shepard more and more, until she stopped talking. Shepard was starting to sweat, her vision went blurry and doubled, her mind spinning around her. Her eyelids became heavier and heavier, until they fell shut. Little Shepard stopped talking, finally, but she took an overdose of pills. Shepard only thought of Kaidan and his bloody body on the emergency bed. Before she fell asleep though, a name left her lips, just like a prayer.

Kaidan.

**Notes:**

Virmire...I hate that scene. I tweaked it a little, hope you liked my version of that bloody mission.

Thanks to **Gabe97 **for reviewing the last chapter *bows*. Thanks to everyone who put the story on the subscription list and who read the story. You people rock :-)

Let me know what you think, and of course, big thanks to **Aquamonkey **for encouragement *bows again* lol.


	9. Chapter 9

A few hours later...

Kaidan sat up from the emergency bed, cold sweat running down his spine as his mind showed him images of the mission on Virmire. He saw Ashley going down by the geth, him not able to help her. Then he saw Shepard getting severely injured by Saren, and he couldn't help her, again. It was a intense and rough nightmare, the image of Shepard lying dead on the ground not leaving his mind.

He looked down on his left shoulder and saw Doctor Chakwas did a good job in fixing him up. The wound was still red and it pained him a little, but still he could move his left hand. He stood up and grabbed his nearby shirt and pants, someone left him fresh clothes and he wondered who it could be. He put on the fresh clothes and walked out of the emergency room, only to bump into Liara. The asari excused herself for not seeing him and Kaidan nods his head to greet her.

"How are you Dr T'Soni?" Liara smiled at that and nods her head.

"I'm fine, lieutenant Alenko. The mission was exhausting and hard, but we are safe now." Both silenced for a while before Liara spoke again.

"Lieutenant Alenko, there is something I thought you should know. About Commander Shepard." Kaidan froze at that and feared that something happened to her.

"Did something happen to her?" Liara shook her head and smiled reassuringly.

"No, physically, she's fine. Although I'm worried for her mental state, it seems that Ashley's death hit her hard. More than the rest of us, I think." Kaidan took a deep breath, he knew Shepard needed him now.

"Where is she now?" Liara shook her head, her face worried and sad.

"I'm afraid I don't know. She was at the comm room speaking with the Council maybe an hour ago. I haven't seen her since." Kaidan nods his head to her before he left to search for Shepard. He walked straight towards her quarters and knocked heavily on her door.

"Shepard? It's me Kaidan." He silenced for a while, waiting for her to open the door, but nothing happened. He leaned his ear on the door and heard no rustling behind it. Kaidan knocked and called for her again.

"Shepard, please if you're there, let me in." Again, no one answered, and Kaidan's heart sunk and started to pound heavier with fear. He turned and wanted to walk up the first floor, suddenly Joker spoke through the intercom.

"Commander Shepard is waiting for her crew at the comm room." Kaidan quickened his pace as he heard that, relieved that she was there. He hurried up and came quickly to the comm room, only to see he was the first to get here. She was sitting at her usual chair, her head lowered and her forearms leaned on her knees. Kaidan breathed in deeply as he walked towards her, sitting down at the chair next to her. She was in deep thought, her face was pale and her pupils dilated...again. Kaidan took another deep breath before he spoke to her.

"Shepard." She lifted her head to meet his gaze as a small smile appeared on her face. She wore a mask again.

"I'm glad you're okay...Kaidan." His name was a whisper leaving her lips. He placed the chair a bit closer and leaned his head towards her so he could whisper to her.

"Shepard, I'm here if you need to talk to me." She smiled weakly again as she turned her head away from him for a while, she nodded before she looked back at him.

"I know Kaidan...I know." Then the other crew members entered the comm room, Kaidan leaned away from her, his hands on his knees. One by one entered the comm room, until everyone sat on their seats...except one. The seat of Ashley was empty and Shepard had to force her gaze away from it. She looked at the floor before her as everyone waited for her to start talking. No body had the strength to say anything.

Kaidan watched her the entire time, never tearing his eyes away from her as the silence grew thick in the room. He blamed himself for Ashley's death, he thought that he was the one who should've been left down there to die...but Shepard chose him. It was then he tore his eyes away from her, leaning his forearms on his knees and folding his hands under his chin as guilt crushed over him. He just had to say something...anything.

"I can't believe she's gone." Kaidan said, his voice low, bitter and pained. Shepard turned her head towards him, she saw the guilt written on his face.

"It's not your fault, Kaidan." Kaidan didn't believe that, Shepard knew for sure. He turned his head slightly to her, his watery eyes avoiding hers and instead looking around the room.

"Yea, I know but...she died because of...she died because of me..." Then he turned his head a bit more towards her, her heart almost breaking from the expression he wore.

"Because of...me." Shepard, without thinking, placed her hand on his shoulder giving it a small squeeze. Kaidan swallowed hard as the guilt crushed on him, eating his soul away.

"She didn't die because of you, Kaidan. She died because I had to make a choice...and the choice is you." She leaned a bit closer to him, not caring that the other companions are watching.

"And I don't regret my choice." He met her gaze and saw the truth behind her words. She spoke the truth, she didn't regret saving him and that made him...happy. Somehow, it gave him relief, knowing that he was the one she wanted to save made the guilt easier to bear. She leaned away from him and looked at the other's. She took a deep breath to steel her mind, to gather the courage to speak of her friend. She wanted to speak of Ashley, to remember her once again, her eyes tightly closed as her mind chose the right words.

"As you all know, I had to make a very hard decision today. It pained me to chose between two lives...but I had to, I had no other choice." Her voice trailed off as she remembered Ashley's last words.

You did not abandon me, Shepard.

She wanted to believe that, badly, but somehow she couldn't. Her heart tore apart at the memory of Ashley, her smile, her laugh, her jokes. She closed her eyes again as the lump in her throat grew incredibly big.

"Ashley will be remembered, and her death will certainly not be in vain. As soon as this is over she will get a proper burial. We don't have the body...but still, she will receive a ceremony, in her honor." Her voice was shaky, she barely made it without starting to cry. Kaidan watched her the entire time, his heart clenching in his chest. He wanted to hug her, to soothe the pain and worries she felt away, he wanted to say thank you. Suddenly Shepard stood up as she swallowed the big lump down her throat. Liara watched her with worry written on her face, but she knew better than to question the Commander in front of everyone.

"Commander, I heard you discovered another beacon on Virmire. If you like I can merge our minds, maybe I have a clearer vision now." Shepard reconsidered for a while, before she nodded to Liara. She stood up and walked over to Shepard who was clearly annoyed now. She didn't had the nerve for that, but they needed to find the Conduit before Saren did. Liara gazed deep into her eyes before she merged their minds. Shepard concentrated to show her only the parts of her vision, but as Liara continued, Shepard found it very hard to stay focused, fearing that Liara may see things she should not see. Thankfully, Liara finished before Shepard broke. She stumbled back a bit, putting the back of her hand on her forehead as she spoke.

"This was...woah. It was indeed a message sent to all protheans, warning them about their destruction. There was a planet, a location, but I'm afraid I can't tell you more. Not until I did a bit of a research." Liara shook her head to clear her vision, her mind heavy and blurry.

"I'm sorry, Commander. If there's nothing further you need of me..." Shepard nodded to her before she spoke.

"Everyone, dismissed."

"Bridge to Commander Shepard. Just wanted to let you know we landed on the Citadel."

"Thanks Joker." With that she turned and left, along with the other's. Kaidan sat there, alone, watching friend after friend leave the comm room. Soon, it was empty here, and he was alone. The room filled with silence and Kaidan used the opportunity to think, to gather his mind and to process all the things that happened. Ashley's death pained him, it tore his heart apart as he thought about her bravery, her courage to stay down there only so he could...take care of Shepard. He closed his eyes as he realized he would be eternally grateful for that. To have the opportunity to continue this life and to be there for Shepard...he was happy, happy and sad. Two tears made it's way down his face and he quickly chased them away.

Shepard was right, she didn't die in vain. Ashley would be avenged, and not just Ashley. Every single being that would die because of Saren would be avenged.

Suddenly he remembered one particular evening when he was back in BAaT. It was a very painful and rough evening, and even though he could see Rahna was worried about him and his safety, he somehow felt she was lying to him. He smiled bitterly at the thought of her and the memories he had with her, then he remembered he hadn't thought about her in a long time, he was too absorbed in taking care of Shepard. He shook his head then, realizing the fact that he cares for Shepard just as he cared for Rahna.

He didn't want to think about her. Rahna broke his heart several times, he always forgiving her and being there for her whenever she needed him. They were friends, that much was clear to him, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't be just her friend. He took a deep breath as he remembered one particular bloody evening and his eyes fell immediately on his hands. It was a painful evening, one he would never forget thanks to Commander Vyrnnus...

####

It was night, they were camping on a rotten planet somewhere around nothing. Again, Vyrnnus send the kids on a very dangerous mission, claiming that they need to have their biotics under full control, no matter what time of day or how tired they were.

The camp fire was on, the tents placed around it, it was a bit cool, luckily everyone had the proper clothing. Kaidan sat near the fire, bandaging the wounds on his palms. He burned his hands earlier this day as he rescued a kid that was trapped in the fire. He could've extinguished the fire with his biotics, but in the rush he totally forgot about it, instead he jumped into the flames and rescued the kid.

Vyrnnus was not here, but he was watching the kids with the many drones he used to watch over them. Kaidan knew he saw what he did, and he also knew that he will receive his punishment later, when they returned to HQ at the end of the week.

He put on the last piece of bandage and tied it up, both his hands now taken care of. Kaidan lifted his head and looked around, seeing the other kids tending to their wounds. Rahna sat near Willy and tended his wounds, she was gentle with him and Willy needed someone like Rahna. He watched her as a small smile appeared on his face, seeing her smiling down at Willy made his heart jump. She stood up then and walked not to him, which disappointed him. She walked over to Sean and sat down, placing her delicate hand on his shoulder.

Kaidan watched them closely, carefully inspecting Sean's behavior in front of Rahna, although he had nothing to fear. Sean was a nerd, in every aspect. He liked physics, he had an astonishing IQ, he wore round big glasses…and he was very shy and a bit scared of everything. He was a biotic, but he didn't bother to improve his skills or to study them. Instead he was interested in the wonders of the universe, about the hidden planets and systems and such.

Sean smiled shyly at her as she sat down, Kaidan could see the blush on his face as she came a little closer to him, inspecting the wound on his forehead. The smile never left her face and Kaidan didn't know why he felt a sudden surge of jealousy waving through him. Kaidan shook his head and scolded himself for being jealous at him, a nerdy shy kid. He looked away from them instead staring at the flames and hoping that would distract his mind. He was tired, but he wanted to talk with Rahna before they would go to sleep.

Finally, she stood up and turned to him, and the jealousy immediately left him. He smiled as he saw her approaching, his heartbeat frantic the second he locked her eyes with his.

She came to him and sat down very close, he could feel her heat radiating through her combat attire which made him only warmer.

"How are you?" Her voice was sweet, as always. He sighed, his entire body sore from today's mission and his palms still pulsing painfully from the fire.

"I'm tired, but I'll be fine." She took his hands in hers, gently, not wanting to hurt him. Kaidan watched their ranked hands and he couldn't help but feel happy.

"Why didn't you use your biotics?" Her voice was shaking, her eyes blinking rapidly before she lifted her head only to meet his gaze, her eyes glassy and shining looking into his.

"You could've get seriously injured Kaidan." She blinked rapidly as she said that, her lips now pursed tightly together as she looked into the flames. Kaidan saw the concern and fear on her face, he couldn't bear to see her beautiful face sad and worried.

"Hey…hey." He said with a playful tone in his voice, she looked up at him only to see him smiling weakly at her. She sniffed and he felt happy for knowing that Rahna cared for him.

"I'm okay. See?" His hands flared in blue-purple light. Rahna chuckled as he demonstrated her his biotics.

"I see that Kaidan. I am just worried for your safety. Please…" She cupped one of his hands gently and send a surge of warm, biotic energy through his hand which soothed the pain immediately.

"…be careful. I don't want anything to happen to you." She smiled and closed her eyes as she send wave after warm biotic wave through his hand. She opened and locked her eyes with his, and he immediately forgot about his painful palms. She never let go of his hand and she noticed it because she blushed, she hoped the light of the flames would hide the blush, but to no avail. Kaidan saw the blush and smiled when he too started to blush.

"Kaidan…I can't bear the thought of-"

"Alenko!" He sat up as he heard the dark, terrifying voice calling him. Rahna sat up as well, and both stared wide eyed, afraid and frozen at Commander Vrynnus approaching them. Both were surprised and shocked for a while until their minds registered what's going on here. Kaidan, Rahna and the other kids quickly stood in line, all of them saluting to the Commander.

Vyrnnus didn't pay much attention to the other kids though, he went and stopped before Kaidan, his face and body inches away. Kaidan's senses jumped to the danger level and he had to focus on his biotics, to prevent them from flaring up or he would be severly punished. Vyrnnus glared at him, his black eyes never breaking eye contact as he stood still, watching Kaidan with disgust written in his eyes and face. Kaidan swallowed hard, but he already got used to the Commander being pissed at him.

"Alenko…why are you and the other kids here?" Kaidan swallowed again, clearing his throat so his voice could sound tough and brave.

"We are here to protect and serve, Sir!"

"And..?" Kaidan swallowed again, he knew why he questioned him.

"And to learn how to control our biotics…Sir." Vyrnnus growled, his eyes boring holes into Kaidan as he took a step closer to him, his nose almost touching the turians face.

"Then what, Alenko, were you doing?" He took a deep breath before he started yelling at Kaidan.

"Why am I teaching you to use your abilities?!" He was mad, furious and dangerous. Vyrnnus grabbed his hand roughly and Kaidan almost hissed from the pain. He stared at his hand before he let it go roughly.

"On your ground! I want 50 pushups!" Kaidan watched the Commander for a while, confusion and fear written on his face.

"Sir, but-"

"You wouldn't have burned your hands if you've used your abilities. Down with you!" Kaidan swallowed hard as he lowered himself on the ground, slowly adjusting his weight on his burned palms. He had bandages on the wounds, but still he had to hold his weight on a uneven terrain. The pain coursed through his body, his hands trembling from the pain, but he had to obey or he would get a proper beating and have bruises for a really long time.

Slowly he lowered himself on the ground, his hands shaking from the pain he felt in his palms. He had to focus and gather all his willpower to endure this. Vyrnnus stood above him, watching him, and he almost went mental when he saw just how lame Kaidan did these pushups. Vyrnnus looked at the other kids, all of them stared at Kaidan torturing himself with the pushups because Vyrnnus ordered him so. He smiled then, a sick, twisted smile appeared on the Commanders face as he started talking to the other kids.

"See what happens to kids that won't use their abilities! You all have a unique gift and I expect you to learn and study that gift!" He started to walk up and down the line, looking at every kid, his hands crossed behind his back.

"You all have to learn the full control over your powers! You are the future of the Alliance, and the Alliance won't need soldiers who aren't capable of controlling their abilities!" Vyrnnus stopped before Kaidan and placed a leg on his back, making it even harder for him to do pushups. Kaidan felt the weight of his leg on his back and he almost fell down. But luckily, he took a deep breath to focus his last energy reserves.

"This is a warning to all of you! If I see any of you not using your biotics whenever possible, you will be punished, like him!" Vyrnnus glared down at Kaidan, his forehead was sweaty, his hands shaking every time he went up and down. Kaidan barely felt his body and arms anymore, his mind focusing on not falling down on the ground. He felt like shit, like the last piece of crap in the entire universe. Every kid watched him and every kid felt sad, Rahna stood next to Kaidan and watched, she wanted so badly to help him, but she couldn't do anything. Not unless she wants to be punished as well.

Kaidan's breath was labored, his hands shaking as the Vyrnnus' foot still rested on his back, making the pushups even harder for him. He tried to do them as best he could, but he didn't know for how much longer he could endure the pain.

Suddenly he felt his leg pressing on his back very hard and there was no way for Kaidan to hold up his body. Kaidan fell on the ground his face hitting the ground hard as the pressure on his back increased, pushing the air out of Kaidan's lungs. The pain on his back was immense, Kaidan was sure he used his entire weight to press the leg firmly on his back. He closed his eyes tightly and bit his lower lip so he won't start to scream or hiss from the pain. Suddenly he removed his leg and Kaidan took a deep breath, thankful for having air in his lungs again.

"Turn around." Vyrnnus ordered and Kaidan did as he said, he turned and lied on his back now, his hands close to his head. What he saw, froze Kaidan and he began to see his life in flashes. Vyrnnus pointed his pistol at Kaidan while he stood above him, his black and angry turian eyes staring down at him. Vyrnnus didn't blink or flinch, he stood still, like a living statue, his pistol steady and his finger eagerly resting on the trigger. Kaidan swallowed hard, his entire body shaking, but he didn't dare to blink.

Instead he stared right into the eyes of that monster and never breaking eye contact with him. It felt like hours have passed since he pointed that gun at Kaidan, every kid shaking and fearing for the worst. Rahna's hands turned to fists as she started to focus her energy in case he wanted to kill Kaidan. Her narrowed eyes stared at Vyrnnus although she was terrified of him, her heartbeat frantic and her watery eyes never looking away from him.

Within the blink of an eye Vyrnnus shot, and Rahna's heart sunk into oblivion. She thought that Kaidan was dead, that the bastard killed him, but when she looked down at Kaidan she saw the bullet hitting right next to his head. Kaidan stared wide eyed at Vyrnnus, never blinking or breaking eye contact. Vyrnnus smiled down at him, he really enjoyed to torture the kids, but Kaidan was his favorite kid to torture. He glanced down at him before he turned and left hastily, his hands ranked behind his back.

Finally he was far away and the kids stormed off to Kaidan, all of them kneeling down next to him and lifting him from the ground. Kaidan didn't feel his hands any longer as the kids tried to clean the dirt from his clothes. Rahna came and stopped in front of him, her worried watery eyes looking up at him.

"Kaidan..."

"It's okay." He said, his voice bitter and filled with pain. He looked down at his palms and saw the bandages all covered in blood, they were firmly stuck on his palms and he knew it will pain him a lot to remove them. Rahna placed her hand on his wrist, applying a little pressure to let him know she's there for him. Kaidan smiled bitterly at that, he took his hand out from her grip, his head lowered and a bitter, hurt smile on his face.

"I'll go to my tent...good night." Rahna wanted to follow, but he gave her a look that told her to leave him alone. He walked away to his tent, alone and humiliated, but he got used to it. He was always the one Vyrnnus took his frustration out so that was nothing new to him. He slowly fell down on the bed as he looked at his palms. He had to remove the bandages before the skin started to heal. He stood up and walked to the bucket of water he had in his tent, putting his hands in the cool water so the bandages could soften. The bandages and his skin softened after a while, he came back and sat down at the bed as he slowly started to remove the bandages, his palms bleeding again.

It hurt him, but he had to go through that. The bloody bandages fell to the floor and he looked at his ruined palms. They would need a bit longer to heal, but he was certain that Vyrnnus will still torture him while his palms are like this. Kaidan took the fresh bandages and started to wrap up his palms, again. His mind trailed off to the nicer evenings he spent while he was away from home, but as time passed by he found it harder and harder to remember them. He had to be strong though, and prove Vyrnnus that he will make it out of BAaT, both alive and sane.

####

He didn't know how much time has passed, but he didn't move from the chair and he barely breathed. That memory was a really painful one, his hands still twitching at the thought of it. He didn't feel his hands after that for days, but Vyrnnus didn't care about that. He had to have his abilities under full control, no matter how hurt he was or how tired. Kaidan stared at a dot on the floor, unable to move or think when suddenly he felt someone standing next to him, but he couldn't lift his head to see who it was. He was not in the mood.

"Lieutenant?" Kaidan lifted his head only to see Garrus standing above him. What irony, Kaidan thought as he forced a smile on his face.

"Yea, Garrus?" Garrus readjusted a bit, crossing his hands in front of his chest.

"Have you seen Shepard? I need to calibrate her weapons, but I can't find her anywhere." That stirred something in Kaidan, and somehow, he felt that she wasn't on the Normandy.

"No. Have you asked Joker?" Garrus nodded.

"Yes, but he says he doesn't know it either. I checked every room in the Normandy, but it seems she isn't here." Kaidan sat up hastily as panic overwhelmed him.

"I will go and have a look for her." Garrus nodded to him and spoke.

"You do that, I have some weapons to calibrate. Same settings?" Kaidan nodded to him and both left the comm room. He changed into a casual white shirt, some blue jeans and a brown leather jacket before he made his way out of the Normandy. He didn't want to have his uniform on, especially when they had some free time. He stopped outside the docking bay and looked around, thinking that she was maybe here. When he saw no one, he entered the elevator to the C-sec academy. From there he would search the entire Citadel, the Wards, the Presidium, the club's, every space in the Citadel he was allowed to check. He needs to find her because he feared that she won't be able to deal with the grief alone, and that thought send a cold shudder down his spine. He silently prayed that she is fine...and that she didn't harm herself.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **xforeverquotex**, **Gabe97**, **geoavenger **and **Endrius **for reviewing the last chapter. I'm glad you liked the slightly changes I made to the dialogue. And btw, before I forget again, there **will **be a confrontation between Rahna and Kaidan. More I will not say :-)

And of course, big thanks to **Aquamonkey.** She's encouraging me to write this :-)


	10. Chapter 10

Normandy, minutes after the debriefing...

Shepard almost ran back to her room, she locked herself away because she couldn't bear the presence of the others right now. Virmire still haunted her, she was reliving the memory as if it happened mere seconds ago. The guilt she felt was immense because she was selfish. She was a soldier, she wasn't allowed to be selfish. Yet, in that very moment where she had to decide between Ashley and Kaidan, she was. She felt as if she owed the others an explanation why she chose Kaidan, but found that there was none. At least not one that she was willing to share with the others.

The thought of leaving Kaidan behind choked her immensely, and her heart was tearing apart. But to save him, she had to leave her best friend behind. Now she wondered though if she had nothing but a crush on Kaidan, one that would vanish as soon as the mission is over. She shook her head. No, this is something more than a crush, she was certain of that. She stopped before her mirror and studied her reflection, her pupils were dilated because of her medication, her skin paler than usual. Her lips were a pale rosy color and she wondered if everyone else noticed the slight changes on her face.

She turned and removed her N7 armor to change her clothes. She put on a black tank top, dark blue jeans and a jacket before she made her way out of her quarters. Luckily, no body saw her as she walked out, she left her identity card at her quarters so the Normandy's VI doesn't announce her leave. Her hands were in her pockets and her head lowered as she made her way to the one place no body would hopefully search for her. She took the stairs to the Flux and moments later she found herself sitting down at a table.

She was in deep thought, and as soon as she sat down the tears fell down her face, she cried silently though, and she washed her tears away as she saw the waitress stopping next to her.

"A glass of whiskey, please." The waitress nodded and left, and the tears fell again. Shepard felt so confused, she didn't know how to explain this entire situation even to herself. She wiped her tears away and took a small sip from her drink, she couldn't drink everything at once even though she was tempted to do so. The last thing she needed was to collapse on the floor because she drank too much whiskey while taking her medication.

A while has passed and she was thinking and nothing but thinking. Her head was leaned on her hand and she cried, silently, the tears slowly rolling down her face as the guilt ate her soul away. She rolled her glass and sniffed again, and for the first time in her life she was thankful for the loud club music, the weird beats muffling her sobs. Then she remembered Ashley and the time she came to her down in the engineering room. She wanted to talk to her about silly girl stuff, just like they did sometimes when they approached a new dangerous planet, just to lower the tension. She walked up to her and Ashley greeted the Commander with a wide smile and a nod with her head.

"Commander."

"Chief, you got a minute?" Ashley looked back into the monitor behind her for a second before she looked back at Shepard.

"Sure, I was just watching some mail from home." Suddenly another voice joined their conversation.

"Oh, and before I go. We saw Kaidan in the news vid about the Normandy...he's cute. Later sis." Ashley watched the monitor as her sister spoke, and as soon as she left she slowly turned her head towards Commander Shepard, who was looking at her with an arched eyebrow and her hands crossed in front of her chest with a amusement on her face. Ashley saw the amusement and arched eyebrow, and she blushed hard as she tried to talk her way out of it.

"Err...let's pretend this never happened." She knew though from the look on Shepard's face that she was far from satisfied with the answer.

"Are you interested in the lieutenant, chief?" Ashley smiled, it was her turn now to smile mischievously at Shepard.

"No ma'am. Besides, scuddlebuzz says he's already sweet on someone." That piqued Shepard's interest and the jesting from a while ago went forgotten.

"Really now? And who is that?" Ashley chuckled and shook her head as she crossed her hands before her chest.

"I think you'll find out soon enough...eventually." Then she winked and Shepard was even more confused, but she shook her head and started to talk about the thing she came to her in the first place.

That was Ashley, always smiling and jesting when there was the time for that, but all of it was gone as soon as they would engage a fight or head to a dangerous mission. Shepard didn't even realized she was smiling as she thought about the conversations she led with Ashley. She was like a sister to her, which only made the guilt crush heavier on her heart.

She was crying again and she hated herself for being incapable of saving both her and Kaidan. She swore after she lost her entire unit, her friends, that she would never lose someone under her command again. She failed, and that would haunt her as long as she's alive.

Suddenly she felt someone standing behind her, but she didn't pay any attention to it. She felt someone stopping next to her, but she didn't have the nerve to look up. Probably just an idiot who wants my number, she thought as she sipped her whiskey. Then she placed her glass back on the table and a sob escaped her, involuntarily, and she scolded herself for that.

"Shepard?" That voice, she thought as she recognized it. It froze her blood, but it also made her heart skip a beat. She fidgeted a little before she hesitantly looked up to where the sweet, soothing and familiar voice came from. Her eyes locked on chocolate, concerned eyes and her heart skipped a beat, again, when she realized that he found her, and that he actually searched for her.

####

An hour has passed since he started searching for her, and he still didn't find her which slowly started to freak him out. He was at unease, he checked almost every place in the Citadel, yet he couldn't find her. He ran his hands several times through his hair as he walked, letting out very frustrated and worried breaths as his eyes desperately searched for her figure. The only two places he hadn't been at were the Flux and Chora's Den. Kaidan sighed and shook his head as he made his way to Flux. He doubted Shepard was there, she said once she hated clubs, but on the other hand, she was no where to be found.

All the while he was thinking about Virmire and Ashley, about the sob Shepard let out when they had their final talk with Ashley...he looked back at the entire situation and his heart clenched at the memory, but he couldn't do anything now to change the outcome. She was dead, he was alive...deal with it, he thought as he came to the entry stairs that led to the Flux.

He looked around, the red light and loud music stirring his headache from before, but he tried hard to push that aside for now. The bouncer watched him suspiciously and Kaidan gave him a sideways glance before he walked further in, searching for her in her combat attire. He couldn't find her and his heart pumped faster as fear overwhelmed him, fearing that she may not be here on the Citadel. What if she took a ship and flew away, Kaidan thought as his eyes desperately searched for Shepard.

Suddenly he caught a red haired woman sitting on a table, alone, her head leaned on her hand as the other held a glass. Kaidan narrowed his eyes, the red light making it hard for him to recognize the woman. He took a few steps closer, her hair cut now very familiar to him as he stopped a few steps behind her watching her closely, still trying to recognize if she's Shepard or not. Suddenly he heard her sobbing, and his heart clenched as he recognized the sob.

"Shepard?" He called her name as he came next to her. She fidgeted a bit and turned, startled, only to see Kaidan staring down at her, his hand leaned on her chair. He drank in the sight of Shepard wearing casual clothes, she wore a black tank top and a small jeans jacket paired with dark blue jeans. She was breathtaking, astonishing, and he couldn't bring himself to look away because this was a rare sight. He then saw her red and shiny eyes, her flushed cheeks and her quivering lip. Without saying anything he sat down next to her, his eyes never leaving her sad face as time seemed to stop around them. His heart broke at the thought of her sitting here all the time alone and crying.

Shepard lowered her gaze to the glass in her hand when he sat down. She had been drinking this glass the entire time, her mind still focused on Virmire, and Ashley, and about the many what-if's. She wanted to be alone, yet she was happy when she saw him sitting down next to her. He searched for me, Shepard thought while still staring at her glass, desperately avoiding his gaze as she started to roll the glass in her hand. Kaidan saw she was avoiding him, so he turned on his seat and pointed to the barkeeper for a drink. Shepard saw that and she couldn't keep quiet anymore as her sad eyes looked up to him.

"What are you doing?" Her voice was a bit shaky, but it was sweet and bitter at once and he heard a slight note of annoyance. Kaidan turned back and smiled as he leaned his arms on the table, not bothering about her annoyance.

"Just trying to keep you company. We both have nothing to do now, so why not enjoy our free time?" Good point, she thought as she took a sip from her drink before gently placing the glass back on the table. She stared at her drink as the waitress came, placing Kaidan's glass on the table as well. Finally they were alone, they had no where to rush and they were in a club, sitting and having a drink. Just the two of them. Kaidan wanted to smile and laugh just as a little boy would when he got his favourite toy, but that was chased away as he saw her sad eyes looking at her glass, and Kaidan couldn't be silent any longer.

"Hey...hey." His voice was sweet, as if he was talking to a child. She wiped her face clean and found the courage to look into his eyes, her vision still blurry from unshed tears. There she saw understanding and worry, and Shepard couldn't help but smile weakly as she sniffed.

"I'm sorry..." She sniffed again, her eyes falling on the glass in her hand again. Kaidan watched her and couldn't help but feel sad and heartbroken, he watched her face as he placed his hand on her wrist. The sudden warmth on her hand surprised her, but it also calmed her.

"Shepard...why are you crying?" She smiled bitterly then as she lifted her gaze to meet his.

"How could I not cry? I failed to keep everyone safe. I told myself to never let anyone under my command die again, yet...Ashley is dead. I couldn't save her..." Then the tears fell again and Kaidan had to swallow hard as he squeezed her wrist. She lowered her head, her hair now hiding her face from him as the tears fell freely down her face. Kaidan felt her hand trembling in his and he knew he had to say something to calm her.

"It's not your fault Shepard. Never think that losing Ashley is your fault." She gave out a small, bitter laugh as she locked her eyes with his again, her voice barely audible from the music.

"Of course it's my fault. Who's fault should it be..?" Kaidan wanted to say that it is his fault, that he is to blame for Ashley's death, but he chocked back the words that almost escaped him. She doesn't need me blaming myself now, he thought as he waited for her to look back at him. Both were silent for a while until she realized that he was staring at her, suddenly she had the urge to look into his eyes. His gaze was pinning her again, it was filled with understanding and compassion and he took a very deep breath before he spoke.

"It's Saren's fault, not yours. You did everything you could Shepard, I was there, I saw it." She looked away from him as his gaze became too intense and she feared she would break. After a while she looked back at him and sniffed, her blue eyes were filled with guilt and doubt but her face softened, as if she surrendered to him.

"Really..? You think I did everything I could?" He smiled then as he retrieves her hand from the glass and cupped it with his, hoping to warm her up a bit. Shepard blinked rapidly as she saw his hands holding hers, she couldn't stop the blush that started to appear on her face as Kaidan spoke.

"You did even more than it was necessary. Look at the crew you hold together. There are many different species on the ship, yet you mange to hold them together, despite their differences and different opinions. I say, hell you made the impossible possible." Shepard chuckled a little at that, the small smile lighting up her face and Kaidan couldn't ignore the small rush of happiness. She stopped chuckling and her smile faded away a little, her eyes now directed at him as she felt the warmth radiating from his hands.

"Thank you, Kaidan...thank you so much." He patted her hand in his and smiled as he spoke.

"That look suits you better Shepard. It's kinda annoying to see you all grumpy every day." She chuckled again, her shoulders working as the chuckle turned into a small laugh. Kaidan watched her with a wide smile on his face, his eyes running across her face, studying her lines. He felt happy for making her laugh and relax, if even for a little. Shepard stopped laughing and looked into his eyes, feeling immediately better the moment his chocolate eyes looked into hers. Kaidan saw her staring at him, there was something he wanted to say but he was afraid it would make her even more upset, yet he had to say it.

"Tell me, what would Ashley say if she saw you crying over her?" Her smile died, but not completely. Shepard lowered her head and looked at her glass on the table. She remembered the last words Ashley said to her through the radio.

You did NOT abandon me...

Shepard smiled as she looked up at Kaidan again, the pain was still there, but it was easier to bear now because he was around.

"Hell, she would kick my ass. Hard!" Both of them laughed a little. Ahsley's death still pained them a lot, but in time they would find the strength necessary to move on. Suddenly Shepard laughed a little which made Kaidan curious and he couldn't help but ask her while chuckling.

"What are you laughing at?" Shepard looked away from him as she shook her head, the smile still resting on her face when she looked at her hands.

"I was just thinking about the times I talked with Ashley. Her jokes and the time she tried to convince Wrex to come to Hawaii with us." Kaidan nodded his head.

"Ah, getting him drunk and invite some 'sexy' krogan women?" Both of them laughed at the memory and the deadly glare Wrex sent her and Kaidan at that moment. Shepard laughed, she tried to catch some air as she started to speak to calm herself.

"And the conversations we had till late night while I was sitting on a chair in the engineering room and she sitting on the desk where she cleaned the weapons. After she cleaned them she would pass them to Garrus so he could calibrate them. Then, when she was finished we would sit very close to each other and talk about stuff. You know...women stuff." She blushed when she said the last and Kaidan smiled. He immediately remembered the time he spent with Ashley.

"You know..." He started and waited for her to look up at him before he would continue.

"...we always competed against each other, mostly about silly stuff. Who could held the breath longer, who could shoot a target from the longer range, who could eat up his trait faster. Yea, she always challenged me, and she always gave her best to beat me." He sighed and smiled before he continued.

"But she almost always failed." Both of them laughed a little, their shoulders working with their laugh and Shepard had to comment.

"Yea, like the time you two sparred and she kicked your ass?" Kaidan's eyes widened at that as embarrassment crossed his face.

"You saw that?" She leaned her forearms on the table and grinned mockingly at him.

"I sneaked in the engineering room, you haven't heard the elevator doors so I decided to sneak closer and watch. And Kaidan, she so kicked your ass." Both of them laughed at the memory. She beat him in record time, not that he wasn't good at sparring, Ashley was just a slight note better, and the fact that he wasn't allowed to use his biotics just made it harder for him. After that she always joked how a woman beat him, but Kaidan would just shook his head and say that he had to keep his biotics under focus. Yea, as if Ashley was stupid enough to believe him.

"Oh my...but all the things aside, she was a hell of a soldier." Shepard stated as Kaidan looked at her hands on the table, nodding weakly to that as his heart clenched at the memory of Ashley.

"Yea...that she was." His voice was low as he said that, Shepard could only look at her hands because she feared she would cry again if she looked up at him. She swallowed hard as tears dwelled up again, and she took a deep breath to be able to speak.

"After we beat Saren, she will receive a worthy ceremony. With lots of flowers, and guns." Kaidan chuckled a little but he heard the weight behind her words, he knew she was close to break, but he was too.

"She will be remembered as a hard, ass kicking chick with a heart so big that it engulfed all of us around her. Remembered as the soldier who survived and watched her entire unit die on Eden Prime. And remembered as the always cheerful friend that wanted to get Wrex drunk." None of them laughed, instead both were silent as both fought with the tears. Suddenly Shepard raised her glass and looked at Kaidan as two tears fell down her face, but she didn't cry as she spoke.

"To Ashley. And may she watch over us during this war that's ahead of us." Kaidan raised his glass and clashed it with hers as he spoke.

"To Ash." Both took a sip from their drink before they put the glasses back. Kaidan watched her face from under his eyelashes as an idea crossed his mind. They had a few free days until the Council calls for them, or Liara finds the location mentioned in Shepard's vision. He knew he was breaking the protocol, but he didn't know when he would have the opportunity to ask her again. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard as her eyes fell to the glass in her hand again. It's now or never Kaidan.

"Shepard...what are you doing tomorrow, around 6 pm?" Her eyes looked up at him, pure confusion written on her face as she heard him asking.

"Err...I'm free, but I was thinking to sort out the reports in the Normandy, you know, clean up the mess." Kaidan smiled, and Shepard was even more confused now.

"Sorting paper's is nothing you should spend your free time with." She smiled mischievously as she leaned a little closer to him.

"Then I assume you have something better in mind?"

"Well, I have something in mind." He readjusted on his chair, swallowing hard as the words didn't seem to come out of his mouth. Shepard saw his nervousness and she wondered what he had in mind. He let out a sharp breath to steel his mind for his question, he was so nervous it was like he was asking a girl out for the first time in his life.

"Dinner at my place, 6 pm. What do you say?" That...shocked her. These words struck her somehow, making her heartbeat speed up as she blinked twice at him, his question playing in her mind over and over. She swallowed hard and Kaidan saw she was nervous just as him, but her silence freaked him out. She shook her head slightly as she gave it a better thought, they were on shore leave, but still they couldn't be seen together in a unprofessional way.

"Kaidan...we shouldn't-"

"Just a small dinner Shepard, no obligations. Just having a relaxing dinner to forget about the problems for a moment." She saw the honesty in his eyes, and a faint glimmer of hope reflecting in them. Shepard looked away from him, instead now looking at the dancing crowd as she reconsidered his offer. She really liked the idea of having a dinner with him, although the thought made her heart fluttering and her belly doing a flip which made her even more nervous. Kaidan feared she would deny his offer, protocol and regs and all. Then she turned her head back to him, a small smile gracing her face as she looked up at him from under her eyelashes. She saw him staring back at her, his face filled with hope, and she just couldn't say no.

"Alright Kaidan. Dinner at 6, at your place." Kaidan smiled as he heard that, and a large burden fell of his shoulders. He couldn't hide the boyish grin and smile that appeared on his face, and Shepard couldn't help but smile too. She was happy around him, her past wasn't so painful and her mind was her own. She stared at Kaidan as the smile slowly disappeared from her face, her mind in deep thought again. Kaidan watched her as he drank his drink, his eyes never leaving hers as he thought about what to say to her to cheer her up.

"Shepard...everything is going to be fine. You'll see." Shepard nodded to him and drank up her drink before she stood up. Kaidan drank up too and followed her but Shepard stopped and shook her head to him as she motioned to the bar.

"You stay here, I gotta-"

"Just wait a sec." He said before he walked over to the bar. She watched him paying for their drinks and smiled as he walked back to her. He motioned her to walk in front of him and she couldn't help but smile and be surprised as he tried to be a gentleman. They both silently walked back to the Normandy, both excited for tomorrow's dinner, but both trying very hard to hide it.

The walk was rather comfortable and both enjoyed each other's presence, even though none said a word. She crossed her hands before her chest as a cold shudder ran down her spine causing goose bumps to rise on the skin of her chest. Kaidan saw that and, without thinking, he removed his jacket and placed it around her shoulders, tugging it close to her. Shepard looked up at him and smiled, she wanted to give him back his jacket but he put a little pressure on her shoulders, showing her she should wear it.

"I'm fine Kaidan."

"That's not what your skin looks like." He said with a chuckle as he put his hands back in his pockets. Shepard tugged his jacket close to her neck, breathing in his scent. It had a slight note of his scent combined with the aroma of his aftershave. All the way to the Normandy she could smell him and breathed in his scent with every breath she took. The walk was slow and relaxing, when they would enter a elevator they would glance at each other and smile, before they would turn away from each other.

After a while they came to the docking bay, they stopped before the Normandy's entrance and she turned to him, his jacket still on her. She took the jacket from her shoulders and handed it over to him, but he shook his head.

"Nah, keep it. You can return it tomorrow." Shepard blinked rapidly before a smile appeared on her face. She lowered her head and gave out a laugh before she looked up at him again, the smile still lingering on her face.

"Okay Kaidan. You'll get the jacket tomorrow, then." Then it was silent between them, both looking at their feet as the silence grew more and more comfortable. Kaidan watched her face then, there were so many things he wanted to say to her, but he felt that if he said them now, he would only push her away from him. He kept silent, and so did she. She swallowed hard as she almost blabbered out her nightmares, her problem's, her past. It was amazing, whenever he was near her she felt as if she should pour her soul out to him.

Both of them stood there, both knowing they had to leave, but none of them wanting to leave. They wanted to be here and watch each other like this, maybe even talk, but no words were necessary here. Only the presence and gaze of one another was enough, and that scared her, as well as giving her comfort and peace. His eyes mesmerized her every time he locked them with hers, and her problems and nightmares would just vanish. It was then she asked herself how it would be to...sleep with him. Would she have any nightmares? Would she sleep like a baby, even without the sleeping pills? She was curious...but no. She shook her head and Kaidan wondered why she did that.

"Shepard?" She smiled weakly at him as she looked at the Normandy.

"Thank you Kaidan. This was a lovely evening." Kaidan managed to smile as he heard she enjoyed the little talk they had.

"You call the Flux lovely? I thought you hated club's?" Her smile stretched, revealing the dimples at the end of her smile.

"I do, but I had some lovely company." Kaidan chuckled at that, he was happy to see her so relaxed.

"Hehe, I'd say more like boring company." She laughed and her smile stretched even further. Her eyes lighted up at him and he couldn't help but feel happy knowing that he made her laugh. She stopped laughing and calmed down before she spoke, pointing with her finger nervously at the Normandy.

"You gonna sleep here or..?"

"I'm heading to my apartment. Have to stand up early, have a lot to prepare for tomorrow." Shepard nodded to that, a small smile gracing her face.

"Right, the dinner..." Then another comfortable silence and she gazed deep into his eyes, her smile replaced with something more lovely, but he couldn't read her expression yet.

"Good night, Kaidan. And thank you for cheering me up." Kaidan smiled at her and nodded.

"Good night Shepard." He slowly turned and started to leave, but he turned again, now walking backwards towards the elevator.

"Dinner at 6! If you don't appear I'll come and search for you!" He jested and she had to laugh at that.

"I'll be there, don't worry!" She waved her hand to him, he turned and entered the elevator. She watched him leave, his jacket held tightly in her hand and her knuckles turning white. She took a deep breath as she made her way back to her quarters, the day tiring her very much. Everyone on the ship was asleep so she decided to call it a day, too.

Shepard didn't know how much free time they would get so she decided to make the best of it. She would go to Kaidan's apartment tomorrow and have some nice, relaxing dinner with him, no obligations, as he said. She came to her room and put on her pajama, placing Kaidan's jacket neatly on her chair to not forget it tomorrow. She lied down on the bed and stared at the ceiling as she thought about what to wear tomorrow and realized that she had nothing but two black dresses that were a little too alluring for the occasion. These were the only dresses she owned because she didn't had the need to have a wardrobe full with different dresses. Now she scolded herself for that, and decided to buy a new, cheerful summer dress for tomorrow's dinner.

She turned to her side, her eyes now falling on his jacket on her chair. The evening played in her mind, over and over, never forgetting his comforting words and smile, and never forgetting how relaxed and calm she was around him. She sat up while staring at his jacket as an idea crossed her mind. She stood up and walked towards her chair, her mind screaming at her for being childish, but she wanted to try it. She took his jacket and walked back to the bed, she settled down and covered her body with the blanket. She held his jacket close to her chest and closed her eyes as she breathed in his scent.

Her mind immediately flew to Kaidan, how he comforted her, how he made her laugh and forget her worries...it wasn't long before sleep took over her, the sweet scent of his aftershave clouding her mind. That night she fell asleep without the pills, and that night her dreams were peaceful like they hadn't been in a very long time.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **Gabe97 **and **Mystical Ninja Unicorns** for reviewing the last chapter. Hope you enjoyed this one, and hope you'll continue to read and enjoy it :-)

And thanks to **Aquamonkey **for encouraging me to write this.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes:**

Notes at first this time lol. First, so sorry that this is such a long chapter, but I didn't have the heart to divide it in two.

Thanks to **Aquamonkey **for helping me with this chapter :-)

Thanks to my lovely reviewers **Gabe97**, **Endrius **and **geoavenger** for reviewing the last chapter. I so love to hear your opinion, it gives me inspiration to continue. I hope you keep enjoying the story :-)

####

His alarm beeped and he lazily turned to turn it off. He yawned and slowly sat up from the bed, his eyes still adjusting to the bright light in the room as he stretched his arms above his head. He pushed his sheet aside and stood up before he walked towards the bathroom. He took a quick shower, brushed his teeth, changed into some casual clothes, and minutes later he walked down to his kitchen. He opened the fridge and looked at the groceries he already had so he can make a list for what to buy. He was thinking till late night what he could prepare them for dinner and desert, and he found that some light chicken with vegetables would be the best choice. It wasn't too complicated to prepare so he took his wallet and walked out of his apartment.

He decided to shop in the markets of the Upper Wards, knowing that they served fresh vegetables there. He eagerly browsed the market deciding to buy some tomatoes, paprika, avocados and broccoli. The last item was the chicken, he took a small one, somehow knowing that Shepard wouldn't eat too much. Then he went to buy the ingredients for the desert. He decided to prepare some strawberry cake. He bought eggs, flour, butter, whipped cream and at last, the strawberries. He payed all up and with a smile on his face made his way back to his apartment. Kaidan was happy that he managed to talk her into having a dinner with him, he wanted to get to know her further, but mostly he wanted to say thank you for saving him instead of Ashley. He wanted her to relax, to see who she is when off duty because she seemed interesting to him.

She was always a mystery to him. When he first met her on the bridge a few weeks ago he never would've guessed that she would be that interesting to him. Maybe it was because of the fact that she had a very rough past, although he assumed that he didn't knew anything about her. Her parents left her without any obvious reasons, her file didn't mention her parents at all, he only remembered reading: Joined the alliance with sixteen.

He smiled, at that time he was on earth trying to put his life together. After he killed Vyrnnus he had to go underground for a while because the Alliance was searching for the one who killed the turian Commander. Of course, everything was off the record so not even Kaidan was mentioned. With 23, he joined the Alliance again, seeing that his life didn't have a meaning. At that time he was still grumpy and hurt about Rahna's rejection so he thought the military would make him forget her. But even then he couldn't forget her. He was in a dilemma back then, and even when he joined the Normandy's team he still thought about her. Until he met Shepard.

Shepard was tough, adventurous, strong, yet she was noble and kind, and he has seen that she's not always the tough and strong Commander. He was amazed to see her being so human around him that he sometimes wondered if she was like that to anyone. When he asked her she simply answered 'No, no I don't'. That rose many questions in his mind, some even scared him.

Finally he entered his apartment and locked his door before he took his bags to the kitchen. He placed them on the table and he sat down to check the time on his omni-tool. It was 11 am, he had plenty of time to decorate the table and prepare the dinner and desert. He sighed and shook his head as he browsed the extranet, he didn't search for a particular thing, just checking his emails and browsing some social networks. After that he turned on the radio on his omni-tool and played some music. He started with the desert, later he would prepare the meal. He was excited, and he couldn't wait to see what she would wear. Would she wear her jeans and shirts? Or even her N7 fatigues?

He shook his head when he opened the cook book on the page where the recipe for the strawberry cake is. He was beyond excited and he couldn't wait for the dinner to start.

####

Shepard walked through the market of the Upper Wards, hoping to find a shop that doesn't sell just combat armor and weapons. There was a small boutique here somewhere that she saw on the commercials on tv, they said it was in the Upper Wards but she couldn't find it...until now. It was placed between a larger shop and a restaurant, Shepard shook her head, she walked here a few minutes ago and she hadn't noticed it. She eagerly walked towards the boutique, her heart thrumming in her chest as she tried to remember when was the last time she bought a nice dress. The two dresses she had were black and a little too alluring for the evening so she decided to buy a new one. She entered the boutique and a asari came up with a bright smile on her face.

"How may I help you, Commander?" Shepard cursed inwardly, she didn't want to be called Commander on her free days, but it seems that was something she couldn't avoid.

"I need a dress." The asari raised her eyebrows at her.

"Knee length dress? Ankle length dress? Colour?" Shepard blinked confused and the asari knew that she came here not knowing what she wanted. The asari eyed her from head to toe, carefully inspecting her body until she suddenly turned and disappeared between the huge display of dresses. Shepard stood still, waiting for the asari to come back as she started to think about the dinner. She imagined Kaidan also dressed up, candle's lit across the room, maybe even a fireplace, the dinner placed on a small round table in the middle of the room...she shook her head, her heartbeat frantic. When she gave it a better thought, it could be possible. Shepard swallowed hard as she thought that this dinner could be more than just a dinner.

The asari came back with five dresses, two were ankle length, the other three were knee length. She held out the dresses towards Shepard, one dress catching her eye immediately. It was a knee length, white dress with small black circles on it, a small v cut in the front which was not too revealing. She took the dress from the asari and inspected it more closely, and the asari couldn't help but chuckle before she spoke.

"I'm relieved you took that dress, it will suite you perfectly, Commander." And a few minutes later, the asari was damn right. Shepard looked at her reflection in the mirror, not recognizing herself. It was a drastic change to wear something different than jeans and a tank top or her combat attire. She stared at the mirror and turned to see if the dress fits perfectly on her rear and back. It toned every small curve of her and Shepard couldn't help but admire herself in the mirror.

"You like it, Commander?" Shepard turned to her, a bright smile on her face.

"Very much. Do you, maybe, have matching shoes?" The asari nodded and disappeared behind the shelves of shoes.

"Small heel or no heel at all?" Shepard looked at her reflection, it would be mean not to wear a heeled shoe with this dress.

"Heels, but not large heels. I want them to be comfortable." Shepard heard the asari browsing through the boxes. She was still not able to tear her eyes away from the mirror until the asari came back, and dear God is she psychic?

"Here, try these Commander." Shepard took the pair of shoes in her hand. They had a 3.5 inch heel, open in the front and a small lace on the back which fastened the shoe around the ankle. She put on the shoes and took another look at her reflection, she barely recognized herself. Finally she tore her eyes from her reflection and looked at the asari.

"I'll take it, all of it." Shepard went to the changing rooms and put on her clothes. She was so excited and happy that she bought a new dress, and she couldn't help but wonder how Kaidan would react. She shook her head as a blush rose to her cheeks, thinking that Kaidan could actually stare at her and tell her, maybe, that she's beautiful. She went to the pay desk and took the bags from the table before the asari gave her back her credit card. Shepard walked out of the boutique, the wide smile never leaving her face as she made her way back to the Normandy. It was 2pm on her omni-tool, she had to take a hot bath, make her hair pretty, maybe put on some make-up. She had a lot of work to do, although she didn't knew why she even tried that hard. It was a friendly dinner, with her and Kaidan alone. Then she realized why she's so nervous. They would be alone...and dear god please, let there be no candle light.

####

A few hours later...

Shepard stood before her mirror staring at her reflection. Her hair was loose almost touching her shoulders, her dress was on and her shoes. She had a slight note of make-up that emphasizes her eyes and lips. She checked her omni-tool, it was 5:10 pm, she took a deep breath as her nervousness grew with every passing minute. She checked her looks over and over, thinking several times to change into her old dresses, to make her feel comfortable. She shook her head and turned, she wanted to change her dress, but she stopped. Her eyes went wide and her mouth dropped open a little as she spotted little Shepard sitting on the bed, her small legs crossed and her bloody hands holding her Teddy. Shepard swallowed hard and walked past her, trying hard to ignore her as she browsed through her wardrobe.

_'A nice dress you have there.'_

Little Shepard spoke to her and Shepard felt a cold shudder running down her spine. She knew she was hallucinating but it slowly started to freak her out. Shepard ignored her and took the dress out of her wardrobe, she turned but stopped as she saw little Shepard standing before her, Teddy held close to her chest.

"Leave me alone!" Shepard growled and walked past little Shepard, still feeling her eyes on her back.

_'I wonder what Ashley would've said for the dress. Sadly, you won't ever find out.'_

Shepard threw the dress on her desk and turned, her nostrils flaring and her eyes wide and narrowed.

"Why are you here?!" Little Shepard titled her head aside and watched her with narrowed eyes, a small smile gracing her face.

_'I'm here because I'm lonely. Are you not lonely...Jane?'_

Shepard took a step towards little Shepard, the anger boiling up inside her.

"I'm not lonely! Leave me alone!" Little Shepard came to her and started to speak with a pitiful tone in her voice.

_'You're denying the facts Jane. You are lonely and you don't have anyone. You're alone, just like me. We have only each other. No matter what Kaidan tells you, it's all lies and one day, when he has what he wanted, he will abandon you...just like mom and dad.'_

Shepard shook her head as she sat down on the bed, his jacket next to her.

"Stop it...Kaidan is not like that..." Her voice was breaking but she blinked away her tears. She closed her eyes tightly and cradled her face in her palm's, hoping that the hallucination would stop.

_'Oh my poor Jane. Haven't you realized that no body wants you? That all of them are here because you're their Commander. Otherwise, they would've left you.'_

Shepard gently rocked back and forth, grabbing and hugging his jacket close to her. His scent filled her mind and it instantly flew to him. She trembled now, not realizing she clung to the jacket as if her life depends on it. Little Shepard stood in front of her now, her Teddy held tightly to her chest.

_'You're alone...always were...no body ever and will ever care for you.'_

Suddenly her omni-tool beeped and Shepard sat up, startled by the sudden sound. She looked around the room and saw she was alone, little Shepard was finally gone. The omni-tool beeped again and she looked down on it only to see it's 5:25 pm. She wiped her face clean and stood up, bringing his jacket with her. She fixed her make-up before she left her quarter's. The Normandy was empty, and Shepard was glad for that. She smiled nervously as she made her way towards the Wards. She was in deep thought, his jacket held tightly in her hand as she recalled that she fell asleep without the sleeping pills. It was amazing that his scent made her sleep so wonderfully, she didn't even dared to think how it would be like to sleep right next to him.

Her mind showed her images of him snuggling her close to him, he nuzzling his nose on her hair and his breath ghosting over her ear. She wondered how his body would feel like close to hers, would she fit in to him? Would he hold her tight? The doors of the elevator opened and Shepard found herself in the Ward's. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the elevator before she checked her omni-tool on his location. She made her way towards his apartment, until she spotted the doors to his building. Her heart raced in her chest, and her nervousness grew with every step she took. Her steps were slow and careful, as if she was walking towards a trap. She shook her head several times to clear her mind, telling herself that it is Kaidan she's walking to, that she's safe.

The building was now before her and she took a deep breath as the doors opened. She stepped in and took the elevator, he was on the fifth floor and Shepard used the time to think. She thought about everything that happened to her these past week's, about her mental state...but mostly she thought about Kaidan. She still tried to figure out why he invited her over for a dinner, why he wanted them to relax together. Was little Shepard true, did he call her only to use her?

Then her eyes fell on her reflection in the elevator glass, and her stomach turned. Her outfit was practically screaming to be looked at and saying that she wants to be taken. Shepard swallowed many times as fear overwhelmed her, her nails digging into his jacket...then she remembered his jacket. How she held it close to her when she slept last night, how easily she fell asleep. A smile appeared on her face and her heart and mind calmed. It was Kaidan she's walking to, it was Kaidan who invited her to dinner. Her heart fluttered and her stomach did a pleasant flip as the doors opened. Her eyes fell on the door to his apartment, and her heart fluttered again.

She stopped in front of his door, her hand raised halfway in the air. She closed her eyes for a moment and gathered her mind before her hand knocked on the door. Her heart raced in her chest as she nervously fixed her hair a little, then she knocked again, this time more eagerly. She grew nervous, thinking that he maybe had other things to take care of. Suddenly she panicked and turned, walking away from the door and straight back to the elevator as suddenly a sweet voice called her.

"Shepard." She froze at the sound of his voice. She slowly turned back to him, her heartbeat frantic and her breathing fast. Her eyes fell at his feet, then she slowly lifted her gaze towards his face. Their eyes met and her heart stopped at the expression he wore on his face, realizing that his eyes looked at her from head to toe. She blushed and took a few steps towards him, lowering her face a little to look at him from underneath her eyelashes. A smile appeared on her face as she stopped next to him, he leaned on the doorway, his eyes still admiring her. It was a comfortable silence, both not knowing what to say. He stepped aside then and she looked up at him, a little surprised by his sudden action.

"Come in, dinner is inside." She chuckled when she heard him jesting and entered his apartment, the smell of dinner invading her nose. She looked around his hallway, dim lights lighting her way and the wall's. Then she turned to him and gave him his jacket.

"Here, as promised." He chuckled and hanged the jacket near the door.

"Thanks, Shepard." He stopped next to her and she looked up at him as he pointed her the way.

"Make yourself comfortable here, I still have to finish a few things." Shepard chuckled and entered the living room, her eyes falling on the large, burning fireplace. She turned her head back to him and Kaidan knew what she wanted to know.

"It's not a actual fireplace, it's a hologram." He walked past her towards his liquor cabinet, taking a bottle of wine and two wine glasses. He poured the wine in the glasses and handed her a glass. She took it and they saluted, he gazing deep into her eyes as both took a sip from the wine. Heat instantly rose to her cheeks, from the wine as well as from his gaze. He put his glass down on the table and walked past her, the scent of his aftershave filling her nose.

"Wait here, dinner will be ready soon." He walked out of the room, leaving Shepard alone. She took the time to get to now Kaidan Alenko, so she started to browse his bookshelves, his photo's. Dark wooden panelling decorated his walls, a cozy large sofa was placed in the middle of the room. He had no tv, probably because of his migraines, she thought as she walked over to another bookshelf. She browsed the books and saw he liked to read about history from the 20th and 21st century.

Suddenly she spotted a photo showing him in his younger years with a woman next to him. The woman had long, dark brown hair and she was very beautiful. Kaidan smiled happily on the photo, his arm was wrapped around her waist holding her close to him. Both were smiling, and Shepard remembered the girl he once mentioned. Maybe that's her, she thought as she made her way back to the sofa. She sat down and stared at the fake flames that lighted the room. Shepard was in deep thought so Kaidan surprised her completely.

"Shepard." She sat up and turned to the door, a smile appearing on her face. It was then she realized he changed his clothes.

"Dinner's ready." She smiled and stood up as he stood by the door waiting for her. She walked past him and he closed his eyes as her perfume invaded his nose. He breathed in her scent all the while he walked behind her, staring at her figure in the white dress. She was breathtaking, he couldn't bring himself to look away from her. It was a rare sight, one he would probably never see again.

They entered the kitchen and Shepard's heart skipped a beat. It was a large dinning room, a few candle's were lit all across the room. A small round dinning table was in the middle of the room covered with a dark red tablecloth with a small bouquet of red roses in the middle of it. Shepard stared at the table, her heartbeat frantic. She felt him readjusting behind her, her body temperature rising as he spoke.

"Ah...I hope you like it." Shepard turned her head to him and smiled.

"It's lovely, Kaidan." He smiled and walked past her towards the table. He waited for her to sit down, before he would go and fetch the glasses. Shepard smiled and sat down looking at the roses on the table, then she looked around the room. The wall's were a lighter tone of grey, an artificial aquarium was pinned on the wall opposite of them, it relaxed her, and all the candle light and aromas of food made her mind dizzy. Kaidan came back with the two wine glasses and the bottle from earlier. He put down each glass and filled them with wine before he disappeared in the kitchen to fetch the food. Seconds later he came back with two plates full with food, he put down a plate in front of her and she couldn't help but smile as Kaidan started talking.

"Grilled chicken served with lots of vegetables." He put down his plate and sat down opposite of her, a small smile on his face and she couldn't help but chuckle.

"We gotta eat healthy things." She chuckled again as she leaned forward to breathe in the scent of the food.

"Mm Kaidan, that smells wonderful." Her wide eyes stared at the food and Kaidan had to smile.

"What can I say? I cook to impress." Both of them laughed a little, he raised his wine glass in the air while watching her. She did the same, raising her wine glass until they clashed, then both took a sip from the wine. They watched each other for a while before Kaidan started to eat, Shepard following him. It was silent during the meal, both looking up sometimes to see if the other is watching, sometimes their gazes would meet and they would smile at each other before returning to their meal, and soon the meal was gone. She and he drank up their wine and he filled their glasses again, he stared at Shepard while he did so and wondered what she was thinking about.

"What are you thinking about?" The question surprised her but Shepard found her voice.

"Just...about everything. About Saren, the Conduit...about Liara and-" His chuckle broke her sentence and she stared at him, confused.

"What?" Kaidan placed the bottle back on the table, leaning his crossed forearms on the table as his eyes studied her face.

"Shepard...we're off duty now and I don't want you worrying about it." Shepard blinked as he continued.

"They're still there, I know, but...we can't tear our heads over them. We still need to relax, and we need to stop thinking about them, just for a little." Shepard watched him and realized he was right. She smiled and lowered her head then, a litte embarrassed for mentioning their mission during this lovely evening.

"I'm sorry, it's just...we are so wrapped up in this and..." Shepard's voice trailed off but Kaidan understood what she wanted to say.

"I know, but I want you to relax and forget about it." He smiled and winked, and she couldn't help but smile back as she leaned her arms on the table.

"So...to what do I owe this dinner, hm?" Kaidan chuckled and smirked.

"Well, you know, just trying to make you relax. I've seen how stressed you are lately, and to be honest, you're annoying when you're grumpy." She narrowed her eyes but still smiled.

"Why not ignore me if I'm annoying?"

"It's...hard to step away from you Shepard. That's why." She heard the hesitation in his voice, and she didn't know how she should feel about what he said right now. Kaidan swallowed hard because he feared the next thing he would say could ruin the evening.

"And because I wanted to say thank you." That confused her and she smiled confused.

"For what?" Then his face became serious as he folded his hands under his chin. She wondered what made him so serious, but she decided to listen. He took another deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment to gather the necessary strength to say what he meant. Then he opened his eyes and locked them with hers, she could clearly see the tension in them as he finally spoke.

"For saving me." Shepard froze in her seat the moment he said that, her eyes dwelling up with tears. She lowered her head and looked at the table, his gaze too much for her right now.

"Ah...Kaidan-"

"No, hear me out." Then he silenced for a second to swallow the big lump down his throat. "Please." Shepard took a deep breath to steel her mind and will, and to find the strength to look into his eyes. He saw he got her attention, so he took that as a sign to continue.

"I am very grateful that you chose me instead of her, but still, I can't shake the feeling of being guilty for her death. And it won't probably ever leave." He closed his eyes for a moment again to gather his thoughts. "That's how I will always feel about Virmire...about Ash." Shepard understood him all too well, but she hated that he blamed himself. It wasn't his fault. "I just wanted to let you know that...I am grateful. And I wanted to say thanks." Shepard swallowed the lump down her throat as she looked at him.

"There was no need for you to say thank you, Kaidan. I chose you because I couldn't let you down there...I just couldn't." Kaidan nodded his head as he stared at the table, his eyes distant.

"I...I just wanted to let you know that. For whatever reason you chose me...I'm grateful." Shepard blinked at him, she felt that she has to say something, anything that would show him just how much he means to her.

"Kaidan, you mean a lot to me. I couldn't leave you behind." Kaidan took the moment to look at her face, then his eyes trailed down her chest. He realized then he didn't comment her dress, he smiled and swallowed before he spoke, his voice husky and low.

"That dress, Shepard..." She looked up at him and smiled as she waited for him to continue. His eyes trailed lower to the exposed skin of her neck and he swallowed hard, he had to force his gaze back to her eyes.

"...it suits you." First, she watched him and wondered if she heard right, then she smiled as she realized he gave her a compliment. She brought her hand up to her neck and held it there, as if to hide the bare skin around her neck, and Kaidan almost cursed as she hid her skin from his view.

"Thank you." Her eyes met his for a brief moment, then she lowered her gaze to his shirt.

"That look suits you." Kaidan chuckled a bit and Shepard found it a very pleasant sound coming from him. He wore a black, blue and white plaid shirt with dark blue jeans. It was simple, yet, it suited him.

"Thanks, although I feel like a nerd in this outfit." She laughed a little at that, and Kaidan was happy that he didn't ruin the evening. Suddenly he stood up and took his wine glass with him, then he stopped next to her and took her hand to lift her from the chair. Shepard followed him blindly as she held her glass, they walked out of the kitchen and entered the living room again. He put down his glass on the table and walked back to the door.

"I'll be right back." He said as he left the room. Shepard looked around the room again, seeing if she missed anything. Suddenly she spotted something very old in the corner, and she smiled when she spoke loudly.

"You really own a gramophone?"

"It's a family keepsake. We pass it on from generation to generation. That piece of history is really old." He said, and seconds later he entered the living room. Shepard turned back to him and couldn't help but laugh as she saw him carrying two pieces of cake on each plate. He put the plate's down on the small glass table before he sat down on the sofa, Shepard following him.

"You made strawberry cake? My, is there something you can't cook?" He laughed as he started to chew the piece of cake in his mouth.

"Well, back in BAaT, we had to learn to cook the basics. Later, when we had a little more free time, we learned to cook all sorts of meal. The girl's taught us, usually. It was our kind of relaxation." Shepard smiled as she put a piece of cake in her mouth, and god it was so fluffy and juicy, and the strawberry...

"Mmmm..." She moaned and Kaidan stilled when he heard that. Hearing her moaning so close to him awoke something in him...something feral. Kaidan looked at Shepard only to see her closed eyes while she chewed on the cake, his eyes immediately falling on her slightly open and working mouth. He swallowed hard as he thought he would moan too, but luckily he kept calm and swallowed the moan.

"You're an amazing cook Kaidan." He smiled and lowered his head as the heat rose to his cheeks.

"Thanks Shepard." They ate the cake in silence, both looking up at each other from time to time. Shepard ate her cake first so she stood up, she went to the shelf where the photo of Kaidan and the woman was. She was curious, and she couldn't hold her curiousity any longer as she looked down at the photo.

"Is that you and Rahna?" These words froze him in his seat. He was unable to move, unable to breathe and unable to think. His heart raced in his chest and he thought he would pass out, he swallowed the piece of cake in his mouth before he placed his plate back on the table. Shepard still stared at the photo, she didn't dare to turn to him because she was afraid to see him broken and shattered. Kaidan leaned his forearms on his knees, his head lowered as he took a deep breath. It's no use hiding it any longer, he thought and he decided to answer.

"Yes...that's me and her in BAaT. I was seventeen and she fifteen when we took that picture." His voice was pained and Shepard hated herself for that. She still stared at the photo, studying Rahna's face now.

"She is very beautiful." Kaidan smiled at that and closed his eyes as he spoke.

"She was the most beautiful girl in the camp." Shepard crossed her hands in front of her chest still staring at the photo, looking at Kaidan now.

"Did you love her?" Kaidan stilled at those words. He held his eyes closed and took a deep breath to focus his mind, and to choose the right words.

"It's hard to say 'I loved her' when I was nothing but a teen back then. But I can't deny that I cared for her, deeply...maybe even more than I was willing to admit." His voice trailed of and Shepard swallowed, her eyes blinking rapidly at the photo. She felt sick just looking at it so she turned back to Kaidan, and her heart clenched as she saw just how he sat there, sad and hurt, just because she asked him about that girl. She walked back and sat down next to him. Again, she couldn't hold her curiosity and she scolded herself for that.

"Kaidan..." He leaned his back on the sofa as he watched her, his chocolate eyes directed at her. He knew she wanted to ask him something so he kept silent. Shepard saw she got his attention, she swallowed the lump in her throat before she spoke, her voice low and trembling.

"How did you..." She swallowed again, her own voice choking her. She took a deep breath to steal her mind as she spoke, her eyes closed.

"How did you move on...after that rejection? After being hurt and disappointed, over and over...how do you move on?" Kaidan blinked as she lowered and shook her head. He came a little closer to her, he didn't know what to say, but it seems she wasn't over yet.

"How do you live on like nothing happened, like everything is as it's supposed to be?" Then she lifted her head and looked at him, and Kaidan almost broke at the sad and empty look in her eyes. He felt she was shaking.

"How can you live on after being abandoned and hurt by everyone you knew...everyone you loved?" Kaidan scooped close to her, taking her hand in his while his eyes tried to gaze into hers, but she desperately looked away. He didn't knew what to say, or do, but he would show her he's there for her.

"Shepard...you know it's not your fault, right? For anything that happened, it's not your fault." He tried to sound reassuring, but to no avail, she took her hand from his and turned away, cradling her face in her palms. Her shoulder's worked with every silent sob she let out, Kaidan swallowed as he watched her, not knowing what to do or say. This was the Shepard he had never seen before, and that scared him because he didn't know how to approach her.

He came closer and put his hand's on her shoulders, and to his surprise, she didn't flinch, nor did she move away from him. She sat there, silently crying and sobbing, her shoulders trembling under his hands. Kaidan started to massage her shoulders hoping to ease her pain and lower her stress a little. A while passed and suddenly she stopped crying, her shoulders were calm, yet they were stiff. She lifted her head and turned to him, her watery red eyes avoiding his. The little make-up she had was a little smeared but Kaidan didn't care, she was still beautiful to him. Gently he brushed away her tears and make-up with his thumbs, touching the soft and delicate skin of her cheeks. Then his eyes fell on the scar on her left brow, and he just had to know where she got it.

"Where did you get this scar?" Shepard closed her eyes and two more tears fell down her face as she leaned into his touch. His hand rested on her face and she kept her eyes closed as she spoke, her voice barely among a whisper.

"I got that scar when my home was burned down." That struck his heart, deeply, his throat and mouth suddenly dry. He caressed the skin of her cheek with his thumb, gently, as his palm rested on her face. To his surprise, she leaned into his touch.

"I thought my parent's have returned, so I ran down the stairs. When I came downstairs, I saw three men dressed in black standing in the hallway. They stole everything they could and then they smashed the house." Her eyebrows furrowed together as another tear fell down, Kaidan knew she was reliving the memory so he gently applied a little pressure on her face, just to let her know that she's not alone now.

"Then they dragged me out, I was screaming and tossing myself around, then one hit me with the end of the gun, and that's how I got the scar. It never healed properly so now I have a reminder when they burned down my home." Her voice chocked her, but she did it. She spoke to Kaidan about a little piece of her past. The memory played in her mind, over and over, and Shepard was afraid that she was alone again, just as always. Then she slowly opened her eyes, fearing to see the emptiness of her room in the Normandy, but she was wrong. Warm, concerned chocolate eyes stared into hers, his hand still resting on her face as she studied the stiff, worried lines of his face. Shepard felt his warm hand resting on her face, and suddenly she felt embarrassed because she thought she ruined the evening. She leaned away from him, immediately feeling the loss of his warmth as she started to look around the room, panic overwhelming her.

"I'm so sorry, Kaidan. I didn't mean to ruin the evening."

"Shepard, you didn't-"

"Kaidan, please. I don't know what fell over me, I just-" Kaidan broke her sentence as he grabbed her wrist and, without giving her the time to react, pulled her into an embrace. Her head fell on his shoulder as he wrapped his strong, protective arms around her, preventing her to leave. His breath feathered over her ear and Shepard started to tremble again. She forgot how it's like to be hugged and comforted after having a nightmare, how it's like to have someone to share her burden's with.

Silent tears fell down her face and she couldn't fight it any longer. She hugged him back, she wrapped her hands tightly around him and closed her eyes to enjoy the moment, because soon he would break the hug. Shepard shook more violently because she feared the second he would break the hug, but...he still held her. Kaidan knew she needed the hug more than anything now. He brought his mouth to her ear to whisper to her as his racing heart calmed in his chest.

"It's okay Shepard. You didn't ruin anything. I'm glad you talk to me." Shepard smiled as two tears made their way down her face. She was so happy to hear that, feeling like a large burden fell of her shoulders. She nuzzled her head against his shoulder, a comfortable silence filled the room making both of them relaxed. Shepard turned her head slightly and stared at the fake flames, she was still crying but they were silent tears, nor did her body shook anymore.

Kaidan soothed the back of her neck in slow and steady motion's while staring at the sofa before him. He still thought about what Shepard told him, how she lost her home and how she received that tiny scar that cut her brow in half. Over and over he saw Shepard as little girl on the street's, alone and abandoned, with no one to turn to. She watched her home burning down, she didn't know where her parents were and if they are even alive.

Suddenly he tightened his grip around her as his mind played the scenario, and he felt like he was stabbed in the heart. She felt his grip tightening around her and she couldn't help but smile weakly as she did the same, hugging him even closer to her. Kaidan took a deep breath and breathed in her scent, her hair smelled of honey and vanilla, and without even realizing he nuzzled his nose against her hair. I could be here like this forever, he thought as he took another deep breath, hoping to memorize the scent of her.

"Shepard?"

"Hm?" She nuzzled her head at his shoulder and closed her eyes as she waited for him to ask her.

"Can I call you by your name? At least, when we're alone." She opened her eyes at this, her heart beating faster at his small request. She slowly broke the hug, her hair tickling the skin on his cheek as she came to the front, their faces very close. Her eyes roamed his face until she locked them with his, and his heart skipped a beat from the intensity of her gaze. He feared that he upset her again, but what she did surprised him completely.

"Yes, Kaidan...I would like that." Her hands came up to his chest, she leaned her palms where she could feel his steady and slow heartbeat. She wondered how he could be that calm when they were so close to each other, alone, under candle lights...she blinked rapidly at the intensity of his gaze.

Suddenly her heart fluttered, her breathing stopped and her eyes watered again as she realized that all of this would end soon. She blinked a few times as another tear made it's way down her face, Kaidan wanted to ask what bothered her but he didn't have the time for that. She leaned her head on his shoulder again while her hands rested on his chest. His heartbeat quickened for a while, but it calmed down as soon as he wrapped his arms around her. His back was leaned on the couch, his hands wrapped around her as if protecting her from every bad memory.

"Promise me one thing..." She nodded, she couldn't speak right now.

"Promise me you'll talk to me...about everything that ever happened to you, and what's still happening to you. Don't choke it down, Jane." With that she cried again, silently. How well he knew her, how can he know that she's holding it all down, until she wouldn't be able to hold it any longer. She would explode, like a volcano that slept for thousands of year's. She looked up at him, blinking her tears away as she spoke.

"I promise, Kaidan...I will talk to you."

####

They sat there, silent and wrapped in each others arms. He wasn't sure how much time has passed, but he was sure that at least an hour passed since they sat down here. Suddenly she readjusted a little, her head still leaned on his shoulder as she turned to stare at the flames. His arm was resting across her shoulders and he stared down at her, wondering what she was thinking about.

"What are you thinking about, Jane?" She chuckled and he couldn't figure out why she chuckled. She looked up at him and smiled, her sadness now replaced by happiness.

"I was wondering...what kind of music do you listen to?" Kaidan smiled and readjusted to be able to look her straight into her eyes.

"I am rather 'old fashioned' when it comes to music." She lifted her head from his shoulder, the smile still resting on her face.

"Let me guess...Crosby, Sinatra, Joplin?" Kaidan blinked confused, not knowing how she could know. Then he remembered she had enough time to browse his old music records.

"Yea, told you I'm rather old fashioned." Shepard laughed a little as she shook her head.

"Me too. Today's music isn't what it once was. Gosh I miss the snow and winter. Whenever I was back on Earth and it snowed, I played the record 'Let it snow'. I sat then next to the window and watched the snow falling outside, listening to the song over and over." Kaidan looked at her in surprise, he couldn't believe she listened to that kind of music as well.

"So you're 'old fashioned' too?" Shepard laughed again, her shoulders working with the laugh before she spoke.

"Guilty." Kaidan suddenly stood up and walked towards his large shelf, Shepard saw him taking an old record before he walked towards the gramophone. She didn't even dared to ask what he was doing, suddenly she heard a very familiar song. Kaidan walked back to her and reached his hand out, a wide smile on his face as the gramophone played 'Let it snow'.

"No, no way, I can't dance." She said with a laugh, but he took her hand and swooped her up from the couch into his arms. Shepard laughed, she couldn't stop laughing as Kaidan led her, his one hand gently leaned on her waist while the other held her hand.

"It's not that hard, just follow me." And she did as he said, she tried to follow his steps, and to her surprise she wasn't that bad. He swirled her around, held her, led her steps as the song played over and over. Kaidan even took a hat and put it on his head. Shepard barely stopped laughing, seeing Kaidan with a hat was just ridiculous. He knew he looked silly, but he didn't care, it made her laugh and that's what made him happy. They even started to sing the song together, although both were terrible singers.

_Doesn't show sings of stopping_

_And I've bought some corn for popping_

_The lights are turned way down low_

_Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!_

The song ended again and both stopped laughing and dancing. He still held her close to him, both dancing in a slow and steady rhythm. Then he had another idea. He walked back to his shelf and took another record. Shepard watched him while he changed the record and she wondered what song he would play now. He looked up at her and send her a cheeky grin as 'Fly Me to the Moon' played. Her eyes widened in surprise and she laughed again as he took her hands before they started to dance again.

"Oh god Kaidan, please. I'm terrible at dancing, please." She said laughing and Kaidan laughed too.

"Aww come on. Just this song." She never stopped smiling as they danced, all the worries suddenly forgotten. Kaidan noticed her smiling the entire time and he couldn't help but feel happy to know that he's the reason for her happiness. The song played once, twice, both never stopped laughing or dancing. Whenever the song would end they would look at each other and burst into laughter, then the song would start again and they would start to dance, again. Kaidan watched her the entire time, and he couldn't ignore her sweet perfume, her small hand in his, her bright smile. He would do anything for that smile.

Then, after what felt like hours of dancing, they stopped and both fell on the couch, both breathing fast. They took a large sip from their wine and they laughed, although they didn't know why they laughed. They started talking about all kinds of things, mostly about their experiences on earth and how they missed earth. They talked for what felt like hours and Kaidan realized they have emptied the bottle of wine. He looked back at Shepard and smiled as he held the bottle towards her.

"Should I fetch another bottle?" She knew she shouldn't drink that much, but she only emptied two glasses so she guessed nothing would happen to her if she drank another glass.

"Yes." He stood up and walked out of the room, his heartbeat frantic as he made his way down the large hallway. He never stopped smiling or thinking about her and their relaxed talk. He was so happy to finally see who she really is, and he wondered if he could ask her out sometimes. He entered his small cellar and walked towards his small wine cabinet. He stood there and watched the few bottles of wine while he tried to find out which wine would be the best. He took one bottle, then another, watching the year of brewery. He shook his head as he realized he stood there for a long while, then he took one bottle, not caring if it's the right one or not, and walked hastily back to the living room, excited to spend the rest of the evening with her. The door slid open and he spoke while looking at the bottle.

"I found this bottle, hope you'll..." He looked down at her and smiled. Her back was leaned on the couch, her head supported by her hand, her legs crossed. Her breathing was deep and even, and her eyes were closed. Kaidan walked towards the table as silently as he could, before he placed the wine bottle on the table. He turned and watched her sleeping figure, and he couldn't help but smile again. His eyes darted at the clock on his wall, it was midnight, no wonder she's asleep, he thought when he considered his options. Should he wake her up? Should he let her sleep? He shook his head. He had a spare guestroom and he knew she was sleeping soundly because of the wine.

Without any further thought he gently lifted her in his arms, careful not to wake her up. When he saw she was still sleeping he slowly made his way towards the guestroom on the upper floor. His heart raced in his chest as he carried her in his arms, his steps careful and slow. It took him a while to climb up the stairs because he didn't want to wake her up. Luckily, they came to the second floor without waking her up and he made his way towards the guestroom. He had one because he always thought that his mother could visit him, but she never got a chance because he was always on duty.

The door to his guestroom slid open and he slowly walked towards the bed. So many thoughts swirled through his mind while he stared at the bed with her in his arms, none of them pure of friendly. But Kaidan chased these thoughts away for now. If it was supposed to happen at all, he would be happy, if not he's okay with it. He gently lowered her on the bed and did nothing but watch her for a while. She was so beautiful to him like this, no trace of worry or sadness on her face. He pushed a strand of hair from her face before he took the sheet and tugged it around her shoulders. He looked at her for one last time before he made his way towards his room, which was down the hallway. Kaidan felt strange, knowing that she slept in his apartment made him feel confused, but also happy. This was a long day, they talked about a lot of things, so he decided he would wake up before her. He would get up early and prepare her breakfast, hoping they would talk again.


	12. Chapter 12

"_I love you, Shepard." She looked up at him and smiled, her eyes shining up at him and her smile lightning up her face._

"_I love you too, Kaidan." He pulled her close for a heated kiss, tasting her sweet tongue while he explored her mouth. His hand rested across her shoulders and he pulled her even closer to him, her body pressed hard to his. The kiss grew feral and she already started to take off his shirt in a quickened pace when suddenly, the door of his living room slammed open._

_They both turned to the door and Kaidan's heart almost stopped as he saw Vyrnnus standing in the doorway. Vyrnnus stared back at Kaidan, his black turian eyes piercing through him. Then he stared at Shepard and he almost went green with anger when he saw her. Vyrnnus strode towards them and Kaidan didn't had the time to react as Vyrnnus grabbed Shepard's hair, yanking her away from him. Kaidan tried to stand but a biotic force held him pinned on the sofa. Vyrnnus was still holding Shepard by her hair and Kaidan was helpless. Suddenly the person that used the biotics to pin him at the sofa came in front of him...it was Rahna, but her eyes were not warm, they were cold._

"_Hello Kaidan. I see you forgot about me." She stroked his jaw, her face inches away from his as he desperately searched for Shepard. Then he heard Shepard crying out in pain and Kaidan panicked._

"_Let her go!" Rahna sat down on his lap and leaned down to kiss his neck, giving him enough space to see what Vyrnnus is doing to Shepard. He was boxing her face, her stomach, Shepard was already bleeding, but Kaidan couldn't help her. He was pinned down by Rahna's biotics, and he didn't even realized that he was crying._

"_LET HER GO!" Vyrnnus stopped beating Shepard, he threw her on the floor and she hit the ground, hard. Kaidan tried desperately to break Rahna's hold on him, but she was just too strong. Her hands fell to his belt and she started to remove it while her mouth rested close to his ear._

"_She doesn't deserve you, Kaidan...you're mine." His belt and pants went wide open and she pushed one hand in his pants, stroking his groin. Kaidan tried to get away, but she only tightened her hold on him. The pressure was so hard that his nose started to bleed, suddenly Vyrnnus' eyes locked with Kaidan's and he panicked even more._

"_You grew soft and careless with her around you Alenko." Then everything went blurry for Kaidan. Vyrnnus took out his pistol and pointed it to Shepard's forehead. She couldn't move, her injuries were grave and Vyrnnus broke a few ribs and her nose it seems. Kaidan tried to get away from Rahna, the pressure in his head was so high that he thought his head would explode, but he didn't care. He tried to push Rahna away, but to no avail, her hold on him was just too strong. Vyrnnus looked back at Shepard and Shepard looked back at Kaidan, a sad smile on her face as she whispered 'I love you' to him. Horror overwhelmed Kaidan as Vyrnnus pulled the trigger, a loud shot echoed in the room...and then it was silent. Kaidan watched Shepard's dead body falling down on the floor, and he cried out loud._

"_NOOOO!" Kaidan screamed aloud as coldness and emptiness overwhelmed him. Vyrnnus was standing next to Shepard's dead body while staring down at her, before he turned his black turian eyes at him._

"_She is a distraction, Alenko." He said to him, before darkness engulfed him._

####

"Shepard!" Kaidan sat up almost screaming her name as cold sweat and panic overwhelmed him. He breathed heavily and looked around the room trying desperately to realize where he was and what's going on. His biotics were flaring, the power building up as he searched for Vyrnnus and Rahna to avenge Shepard. Suddenly, he realized where he was.

The room was familiar, very familiar even. He looked around again, only to see the emptiness of his room. The blue light of his biotics vanished and Kaidan calmed down when he realized that this was nothing but a nightmare. A nightmare, he whispered into the emptiness of the room as relief crushed over him. He took a deep, steady breath to calm his racing heart and mind as he ran a hand across his face. He turned and wanted to grab the glass of water he always placed on his nightstand only to see the water spilled on the floor, the glass next to it. Kaidan cursed and stood up, grabbing his shirt and putting it back on, he had to go downstairs to grab a glass of water which meant he had to walk past Shepard's room, then a thought crossed his mind.

Maybe I could enter and see if she's asleep?

He shook his head as he left his room. The idea was silly and it would do him no good if she wasn't asleep, she would think that he came to use her while she's in such a weak state. Shepard didn't need that now. She needed time to open up to him completely, and he would give her all the time she needs. He spotted her door and his heart raced. To know that she's here, in the same apartment as him, made him happy. She was a guest, yes, but he couldn't help but wonder how it would be if the two lived together. Sure, they almost lived together in the Normandy, but they didn't have the necessary privacy. Eyes are directed at them, some of the looks are happy and understanding, but some are definitely suspicious and envious.

Kaidan shook his head and smiled, what am I thinking about, he asked himself as he came closer to her door. He decided to stop for a moment so he leaned his back on the door. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to focus, to abandon the thought of entering her room to see if she's alright. Suddenly he heard a sob and his eyes flew wide open. He turned and looked at the door now, his eyes narrowed while thinking he maybe imagined the sob, but then he heard another sob and he had to lean his ear on the door. Why is she crying, he thought and his heart clenched. He wanted to comfort her if she was having a nightmare, to soothe her worries away, but crying was not the only thing Shepard was doing inside the guestroom.

"...stop...he's not like that. Why are you judging him?" Kaidan froze. She was crying and...talking, but to who, he wondered. It was rude of him, but he had to know who she was talking to. He heard nothing but her sobs for a while before she spoke again.

"Please leave me alone...I beg you...let me sleep." She cried louder now. Kaidan was stunned and shocked, he didn't know if he should enter the room or not, but it seems she's having a intense nightmare. He swallowed hard, his mouth and throat suddenly dry as a desert as his heart beat frantically in his chest. He took a deep breath and listened to her crying and sobbing, his heart breaking at the sound. After a while though, she spoke again.

"Leave me alone...I need my sleep, please...don't torture me here, just this night..." Her voice was breaking and he could hear her cries becoming more violent. Suddenly she stopped crying and he wondered if she woke up.

"Leave me alone!" Then he heard something glassy smashing and breaking in the room and he panicked. Without a second to hesitate he entered the unlock password and the door slid open, and what he saw shocked and worried him deeply.

Shepard was sitting on her knees on the bed, her wet and frightened face directed at him. Suddenly he spotted his lamp smashed in the corner, he looked at the lamp, then back at her, his eyes wide with confusion. He saw she was shaking and shocked, and he felt that something was terribly wrong. He entered and the door slid shut, he never looked away from her frightened face as he came closer to her.

"Jane...are you alright?" Shepard swallowed hard as she looked at Kaidan, pure fear written on her face. She saw little Shepard earlier because she forgot to take the pills in the Normandy. Her heartbeat was frantic and she wondered how much Kaidan heard of her talking to, well, herself. Shepard swallowed hard multiple times as she tried to find her voice, but she couldn't. Instead she cried again, silently, as she feared that soon she will have a lot of explaining to do. Kaidan sat next to her and she shied away, instead she hugged her waist and looked away from him. He was silent, he didn't want to say anything inappropriate or something that would make her even more upset, so he just stared at her. He glanced one last time on the smashed lamp and a cold shudder ran down his spine. Maybe she wasn't having a nightmare, he thought as he turned back to her. She shook, he could feel her body trembling even though she was a bit away from him, he wanted to say something, anything, just to break the silence, but then she spoke.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'll buy you a new lamp." Kaidan leaned in closer as she said that hoping to meet her gaze, but she avoided it.

"Screw the lamp Shepard. What happened?" She looked at her hands in her lap, her heartbeat frantic. She honestly thought about telling him her nightmares and hallucinations, but she quickly chased that thought away. If he knew, he would tell her to take some time off to focus on the treatment, and that's what she didn't wanted. She wanted to complete the mission first before she would look after herself. Her fingers played with her dress and Kaidan saw she had it hard to talk, but he would wait. She then took a deep breath to calm herself before she spoke, her voice low and trembling.

"Just a nightmare." She lowered her head, she didn't dare to look at him because she felt that his gaze would force her to tell the truth. He closed his eyes for a moment, he hated it when she lied to him, but he wouldn't force her, not now at least. Kaidan forced a smile on his face as he spoke to her, trying to sound as calm as possible.

"I was going to grab a glass of water. Do you want one?" She just nodded to him as more tears fell down her face. Kaidan placed his hand on hers making her look at him as he spoke.

"I'll be right back Jane." He smiled and stood up from the bed, taking his leave from her room. He slowly made his way downstairs as he tried to figure out what the hell just happened with her. She threw a lamp at the wall because she had a nightmare? Bullshit, he thought as he reached the kitchen. He took two glasses and started filling them with water, his mind worried and heavy.

First, he had this disturbing dream about Vyrnnus and Rahna killing Shepard, he never had such a dream before. Usually he dreamt of Vyrnnus killing Rahna, but now he dreamt of Shepard being killed by him. His hand shook and he dropped the glass in the sink, spilling the water. He turned off the water and leaned his hands on the sink as fear and anger overwhelmed him. He feared for her well being, but he was also angry for her lying to him. He was furious. He closed his eyes as his hands gripped the end of the sink, his knuckles turning white.

Second, she tries desperately to hide what is going on with her, which bothered him even more. Kaidan took a deep breath again and started filling the glass again, this time focusing on the task before him. He took both filled glasses and walked back to her, his heart and mind still heavy with worry. He stopped before the door and lowered his head, the sight of her sitting on the bed, afraid and desperate not leaving his mind. He took another deep breath and entered, only to see her sitting on the bed and staring at the pile of his broken lamp.

Kaidan forced a smile on his face as he approached her, she looked at him when he came close enough and met his gaze. She smiled as she took a glass from him, taking a sip from her cool water. It calmed her a lot, then she felt him sitting down next to her and she just hoped that he wouldn't start throwing questions at her. They both drank the water in silence, Shepard's gaze fixed on the lamp as Kaidan watched her, closely studying her pale face. Shepard drank the glass of water and stared at the empty glass in her hands now, her eyes blinking rapidly as more tears threatened to fall. Kaidan took the glass away from her and placed the two glasses on the nightstand, before he turned to her, his body close to hers.

"You okay Jane?" His voice was low and soothing, and Shepard couldn't help but smile as she stared at her hands in her lap.

"I will be." She wiped her face clean before she looked at him, seeing the worry written on his face made her heart clench.

"I will be fine Kaidan, don't worry." He nodded to her, his eyes closely studying her face before he stood up. He took both glasses and started to walk towards the door, but he stopped before he walked out and turned to her.

"Good night Shepard. And don't worry about the lamp, I mean...it's just a lamp." Her smile widened, revealing the dimples at the end.

"Good night Kaidan." He send her a smile before he left the room. Shepard sat there, silent and frightened as she recalled her 'talk' with little Shepard. She was afraid that she wouldn't come again, but then Shepard remembered the time she slept with Kaidan's jacket. Without thinking she stood up and walked towards his wardrobe. She opened it only to see his grey shirts and sweatpants neatly folded in the wardrobe. She smiled and took his shirt which was rather long compared to her body. She put on his shirt, realizing it was long enough to cover her rear, and again his scent filled her mind.

She went back to the bed and lied down, her mind still thinking about Kaidan. She imagined him next to her, hugging her and lulling her into sleep while his face rested on the top of her head, his hands wrapped around her. That thought combined with his scent, was enough to lull her into sleep. And she slept peacefully, without any nightmare to torture her, and maybe an idea how she could repay him for the broken lamp.

####

He slowly woke up, his head a bit weary from the wine yesterday. He looked around before he took a look at the clock next to his bed. It was 8:30 am and he scolded himself for sleeping so late because he had a guest. He stood up and walked to his bathroom, he removed his clothes and entered the shower to clean himself. He washed his hair and body before he took a large towel to wrap around his waist. He stopped before the mirror and looked at his reflection, a small beard covered his face so he decided to shave.

After a while he was cleaned and shaved, his hair still a bit wet from the shower. He put on some boxers and sweatpants before he walked downstairs, his upper body naked because he thought that Shepard was still asleep. He wanted to prepare breakfast and surprise her in her room, suddenly the scent of coffee and something sweet invaded his mind as he came closer to the kitchen. He stopped before the door and heard the radio playing some song's. Kaidan smiled as he entered the room and his eyed went wide with surprise.

Shepard was sitting on the small round table in his shirt and sweatpants, fresh coffee and bagels placed on the table. He met her gaze then, only to see her staring at his naked chest. There were a few tears of water still dripping down his chest and Shepard had to swallow hard as she felt the heat boiling between her legs. She watched the few tears slowly falling down his defined chest, then she locked her eyes on his dog tag, the only thing that decorated his upper body. She blinked a few times and took a sip from the hot coffee to finally look away from him, the hot coffee burning her lip but she didn't care, the pain distracted her from Kaidan. He smirked and sat down opposite of her when the scent of his aftershave and shower gel invaded her mind. She drank her coffee again, and again she burned her lips as she saw his chocolate eyes staring at her. She put the cup back on the table before she looked at him, taking a bagel and eating it.

"Morning." She said to him and he couldn't help but smirk.

"Morning. I thought you slept."

"I'm Commander, Kaidan. I need to be the first one up." Kaidan nodded to that and he made a mental note to wake up before her the next time she would sleep here. Kaidan smiled then and took a sip from his coffee only to see it's exactly how he liked it.

"How do you know I like my coffee strong?"

"I figured that you like it strong, same as I." They both drank their coffee, suddenly his microwave beeped and Shepard stood up, Kaidan's gaze falling down at her rear as she stopped in front of the microwave. He fell back into the chair and watched her body, then his eyes fell on her rear again as she put something she heated in the microwave on a plate. She turned back to him with two plates in her hands, each plate having two hot dogs she found in his fridge this morning. She noticed his cheeky grin though and wondered why he looked at her like that. She came to the table and put the plate's down before she sat down on her seat, smiling up at him as she took her hot dog.

"Breakfast, although I'm quite sure you eat something else." Kaidan laughed a little before he bit a piece of the hot dog and chewed it, never looking away from her before he swallowed to be able to speak.

"Actually, I don't eat anything for breakfast. I just drink my coffee and that's it."

"I thought you had to eat because of, well, the implant." Kaidan swallowed another piece while he thought about her waiting for him in the morning in the kitchen...it was a nice thought and he couldn't help but smile at her.

"I don't have to eat strictly every meal because of the implant. I'm still a normal human being Shepard." She chuckled as she chewed on her hot dog, a small piece almost dropping out of her mouth but she quickly ate it away before both burst into a small laughter. Kaidan took a sip from his coffee, his eyes never leaving her relaxed face. He was happy to see her like this, and he couldn't ignore the rush of satisfaction and happiness he felt right.

"Why, I thought you were a mean monster." She said chuckling and Kaidan mimicked a mad face. He was childish, but Shepard liked the childish side of him, although he showed it in rare occasions. Kaidan took another sip from his coffee as he watched her taking a sip too, it came to his mind then that she wore his shirt and sweatpants, and suddenly he found the thought very...arousing. He fell back in his chair as Shepard still drank her coffee, her eyes fixed on the newspaper on the table, and he couldn't help but flirt with her, just a little.

"You wanna know a strange, yet true fact?" She looked up at him before she leaned her forearms on the table, eager to listen what he has to say.

"I'm all ears." She sipped her coffee as she saw his intense eyes boring into hers, making it all warm around her heart. Kaidan leaned his forearms on the table as well as he managed the most alluring expression he could before he spoke.

"Well, we men, we kinda like the view of women wearing our clothes." Shepard almost burned her lips again as she started to cough, heat raising to her cheeks as she realized what Kaidan just said to her. She stopped coughing, but the blush remained on her cheeks as she found her voice again.

"A woman wearing your clothes turns you on?" She said with disbelief and again she sipped her coffee to hide the embarrassment on her face. Kaidan smiled wickedly as he leaned even more on the table, his eyes pinning her as he spoke, his voice low and husky and incredibly sexy.

"Not the sight, exactly. It's more the thought of being able to request our clothes back whenever we want." Shepard put her cup back on the table and leaned closer to him, their faces close now and their eyes staring at each other. She smiled mischievously at him, her eyes trying to mesmerize him and it seems she succeeded when she saw she got his attention.

"Are you trying to take your clothes off of me...lieutenant?" Her voice was low and filled with arousal, Kaidan couldn't look away, his eyes getting darker and darker with every passing second.

"Hah, well, Commander...that would be rude of me." Then silence filled room for a while, none wanting to break eye contact.

"Wouldn't it?" His voice dropped deep, Shepard feared she would faint from the sound of his voice as well as the intensity of his eyes. She didn't break the eye contact though, she had to admit that she liked flirting with him. It made a few places of her body very warm.

"Mm-hmm." Then another silence spread between them and Shepard leaned even closer now, suddenly she didn't care what they are or who. She was Jane, he was Kaidan, there were no rules here, no regs, no protocols...she couldn't find any reason not to flirt with him a little.

"Then I would have to punish you for acting like this towards your superior officer." He placed his hand on hers, their eyes never breaking contact as he felt just how warm she was and how soft the skin of her hand was. He wondered then how soft the skin of her body was, how his calloused, slightly tanned skin would look like compared to her pale skin. None of them blinked, both were trapped in their gaze, none of them able to look away or do something. Kaidan found his voice then, it was a low and husky whisper.

"Well, I can only hope my superior officer knows how to deal with rakes like me." She leaned her face closer to his and stood up a little from her chair, her nose almost touching his as she spoke, his aftershave filling her nose.

"Oh she knows..." She watched Kaidan as he slowly closed his eyes while nearing his face towards hers. Shepard didn't back away though, if it was meant to happen, it'll happen.

"She knows..." She whispered against his lips, already could she feel the soft pressure of his lips...suddenly her omni-tool beeped and both froze, their lips slightly touching. Kaidan opened his eyes and locked them with hers before he slowly leaned away from her. Shepard watched him for a while before she stood up, she walked away from the table a little as she picked up the call, wondering who could all her now.

"Commander Shepard, this is doctor Michel speaking. How are you?" Shepard panicked and feared that Michel could say something inappropriate, she had to let her know that she wasn't alone now.

"Ah...Kaidan? Could you grab me a glass of water?" Kaidan silently stood up and did what she asked him, he walked back to her with the glass filled with water and carefully he handed it over to her. Shepard smiled weakly and took a large sip from the glass before she cleared her throat, hoping that Michel understood her.

"I'm good. What do you need?"

"Commander, if you have the time to get to my clinic. There's something very important I need to discuss with you." Surely something about my hallucinations, Shepard thought as she turned to Kaidan with a weak smile on her face. Kaidan watched her closely as he emptied his glass of water, seeing that something bothered her although he didn't knew what. He put the glass down into the kitchen sink and walked over to her, his naked body making her warm. He smiled as their gazes met, and he had the idea of spending the day with her...completely.

"Let me get dressed and I accompany you to Michel. I don't have anything to do so why not spend the day together? If you like, of course." Shepard froze at that as she gathered his words, her eyes wide and not blinking. Kaidan turned and almost walked out of the kitchen, but Shepard's voice stopped him.

"No." She said flatly and Kaidan stopped, his heart tightening in his chest. He slowly and hesitantly turned to her as confusion overwhelmed him. He shook his head slightly, thinking that he hadn't heard her so he dared to ask.

"Why?" Shepard was at a loss of words now. Why couldn't he join me, was the question that rang in her head, over and over until it occupied her mind. The answer was simple; he couldn't come with her because she was afraid.

He couldn't come with her because she's a coward.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **Gabe97**, **geoavenger **and **Mystical Ninja Unicorns **for reviewing the last chapter. Your reviews mean a lot to me, and they keep me writing this. Thanks to everyone who keeps reading the story. Hope you enjoyed this chapter :-)

Thanks to **Aquamonkey **for help and encouragement :-)


	13. Chapter 13

No...

This simple word rang in his head, his mind not believing that Shepard wouldn't want him to accompany her. He turned back to her, his calm eyes now narrowed and hurt as he stood by the doorway that led out of the kitchen, frozen. He walked back into the kitchen and took a few steps to her, stopping a little away from her as he spoke.

"Why Shepard?" She swallowed hard, her eyes fixed on the floor as she searched for a suitable excuse. Her body slowly started to shake and her wide eyes still avoided his as she thought of a good reason.

"Well, I, ah...Michel wanted to see me alone." She started to leave, but he wouldn't have it, so he grabbed her wrist and spun her around.

"Are you hiding something from me Jane?" Her heart raced, she felt his tight grip on her wrist, his eyes gazing deep into hers pinning her and making her almost dizzy.

"No, Kaidan! What would I hide from you?" She tried to sound tough and intimidating, but to no avail. He still pinned her with his gaze and she thought she would truly pass out. He released her wrist and his shoulders slumped down.

"Jane...don't lie to me. Please." He took a deep breath and his hands turned to fists. She took a step towards him and took his hand in hers, smiling reassuringly.

"I'm not Kaidan. I'm fine. Let me finish with Michel and-"

"No. I insist, Shepard. I'll go and change my clothes, you put that dress back on and wait here in the kitchen for me, okay?" Shepard was scared to death, she was certain she was pale as death but still she managed to smile before she made her way towards his guest room where she put down her dress from last night. The world around her died as she realized that he would come with her, that Michel could think that Shepard told him about her illness. Shepard panicked and entered the room as Kaidan walked back to his room. Her heartbeat was frantic when she hastily changed into her dress. She washed her face clean, fixed her make-up then walked out of the guest room, looking up and down the hallway to see if he's waiting for her. When she realized he wasn't here she made her way towards his kitchen, only to see it empty. Then a thought, an idea, crossed her mind. It was a very stupid idea, but still she had no choice if she wanted to keep her illness a secret.

She walked out of the kitchen and without giving her idea a better thought, she went out of his apartment. As soon as she entered the elevator, she realized what exactly she did right now. She was running away from the most wonderful man she has ever met in her life. Embarrassment and anger filled her mind, she will still have to talk to Kaidan about it, he will demand an answer why she left without him. She shook her head to banish the rational thinking of her mind when the elevator stopped. She stepped out and left the building, her steps fast and determined. A few minutes later she entered the clinic and hastily walked over to Michel who was putting her data pads aside.

"Commander, I-"

"No time Michel, lieutenant Alenko is on his way here. What is it?"

"Well I studied your brain activity further and I managed to precisely determine what kind of treatment you need." She walked to a locker and took something out, then she walked back to Shepard and handed her a small bottles of pills. Pills again, Shepard thought as she took the bottle from her, her eyes studying the inscription.

"These are the new pills I subscribed you. They will work better with the kind of...illness, you have. There is a limited use of 3 pills per day, if you take more than 3 pills, you could damage your heart and your breathing could become heavier." Shepard took her purse to put the pills inside when suddenly the door to Michel's clinic opened, and Shepard's blood froze when she saw Kaidan, sadness, hurt and a note of anger crossing his face. She managed to hide the pills before his eyes fell on her purse. Without thinking she hid the purse behind her back, and then his eyes met hers.

And that look of his spoke volumes.

####

Five minutes earlier...

Kaidan left his room, all dressed up for the day he would spend with Shepard. He was excited, maybe even too excited, but he didn't care, there were no regs that forbid him to spend the entire day with his superior officer, so why not. Kaidan walked down the hallway to the guest room, a wide and bright smile on his face as he slowly closed the distance between him and the door. He stopped and knocked, thinking that she was still dressing herself.

"Shepard?" He knocked again but he heard nothing, so he entered the security lock to open the door. The room was empty and he smiled, thinking that she waited for him in the kitchen, so he made his way there. His heart was still racing at the thought of her face so close to his before Michel interrupted them. He could still feel her breath feathering on his lips, he could still feel the heat radiating from them. God they almost kissed, and Kaidan hated Michel for interrupting them.

He was still smiling as he entered the kitchen, but the smile died when he saw the kitchen also empty. His brows furrowed together slightly as he turned and checked his living room, but she wasn't here either. Then it hit him, even though he asked her to go with her, she still left. That thought made him angry, furious even, and disappointed. Everything was blurry to him from that moment, and he couldn't help but feel betrayed in a way.

Then her pale face flashed before his eyes, and the fear written in her eyes. He knew then she didn't want him to follow her, and the only logical explanation for Kaidan was that she's hiding something very grave. What if she's sick, what if she's dying, he kept repeating the questions in his mind and he couldn't ignore the lump in his throat that slowly started to choke him as the elevator took an eternity to reach the lobby. Kaidan swallowed hard and rubbed his watery eyes, hoping to chase the tears away.

The doors of the elevator opened and he hastily left the building, he almost ran towards the clinic as he feared that Shepard could be ill, gravely ill, and that she didn't want anyone to find out. Luckily he came to the clinic quickly and he entered without even bothering to knock.

The sight disturbed him and froze him in his place. Shepard was standing next to Michel, she was holding her purse in front of her as if she was putting something in it. Then she slowly and hesitantly brought the purse to her side, until she hid it behind her back, Kaidan's eyes following her movements. It disappeared behind her back and he lifted his eyes to meet hers. They watched each other in silence, he saw the fear written in her eyes as she smiled weakly to hide her tension. Luckily, Doctor Michel spoke to break the silence.

"Lieutenant Alenko, how may I help you?" Kaidan swallowed hard as he came closer to Shepard, his eyes never breaking eye contact with her until he stopped next to her. He broke the gaze with Shepard and looked at Michel, forcing a small smile on his face as he spoke.

"I was just looking for Shepard, Doctor. I'm fine." Michel crossed her arms in front of her chest, Shepard was her friend and she saw the tension building up between her and him so she decided to help her out.

"I called for Commander Shepard to tell her that I won't be here for a while, so she will have to find a new doctor for the time being. I'm sorry for disturbing you." Kaidan just watched Michel with disgust and pity, now she's lying to me too, he thought as he tried very hard to remain calm. He knew there's no use of making a scene here, so he decided to buy the play. For now.

"No harm done Doctor." He looked at Shepard and saw her staring wide eyed at the floor.

"Shall we leave?" Her head spun back to him and her heart almost stopped when she saw his eyes. He smiled, but his eyes gave away his disappointment and hurt. She smiled and nodded to him before she turned to Michel.

"Yes, ah, anyway...thanks doctor." With that she walked past Kaidan, her head lowered and her hand holding her purse tightly. He gave the doctor a nod before he too left, almost running after Shepard as his anger grew and grew. The air was tense and thick between them. He watched her back and kept silent until they were out, then he couldn't be silent anymore. He leaned his hands on the railing, standing very close to her.

"What's this supposed to mean?" She looked up at him, pure fear written on her face as she thought about what to say to him.

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you ran away? Why couldn't I join you?" He knew he would upset her, but he didn't care. At that moment, all he could think of was his anger, and his disappointment.

"I- Kaidan, I-"

"Don't play dumb with me Shepard! I see you're hiding something from me!" His voice was low, yet she felt as if he was screaming at her. She looked straight into his eyes as she tried to sound intimidating and tough as possible.

"I don't know what you're talking about! I don't hide anything from you Kaidan, except my past!" Fuck, she thought as she bit her lip at that sentence, fearing he would start asking her questions. Kaidan leaned away from her and closed his eyes tightly to suppress his anger and disappointment, he couldn't look at her anymore so he looked away. He took a deep breath as he decided to demand the truth, he was sick of her lying to him.

"Okay Shepard...fine. You're not hiding anything from me." Then he looked back at her and Shepard knew he was far from intimidated. "Then let me see your purse." His voice was low and it struck her heart. She blinked rapidly as she took a backwards step, her purse held tightly in her hands as she watched his every move.

"What?" He turned his body towards her, his eyes burning with such intensity she thought she would pass out. His face was stiff with worry and concern, then he took a step towards her. Suddenly she felt threatened and she cradled the purse across her chest, as if shielding it from him. He reached his hand out and stopped, waiting for her to hand him the purse.

"Let me see the purse Shepard, then I will believe you." Shepard clung to her purse as if her life depended on it. She shook her head and took another backwards step, but he followed her.

"No." She muttered out and walked backwards, but Kaidan followed her, his hand still reached out to her and his eyes never looking away. Suddenly her back reached the wall behind her and she thought her heart would explode. Kaidan stopped, his gaze pinning her, his hand waiting for her to give him the purse. She was pinned on the wall without him touching her. She was helpless.

"No." She shook her head, her voice breaking and her lower lip quivering as she saw that Kaidan wouldn't back down. Kaidan saw she was afraid of him and it broke his heart, but he had no choice. He wanted to be there for her and comfort her, but he couldn't because she always blocked him. He swallowed because he knew he tortured her, but it was for the greater good. He swallowed the lump down his throat to be able to speak.

"Shepard. I wanna be there for you, but you keep blocking me. I want to help you with whatever you're going through." She lowered her head, her hair hiding her now crying face from him. Kaidan fell apart at the sight of her crying because of him, he held his place though. If he took a step closer he knew she would panic even more, and that's what he didn't want. They were lucky that they were here, on the Citadel. Were they on Earth, the people would've thought that he was harassing her. Here though, the aliens just looked away.

Suddenly she lifted her face towards his, and Kaidan's heart broke completely. She was looking at him, yet she wasn't. She was looking through him as she reached her purse out to him, waiting for him to take it. Kaidan swallowed hard as he stared at her pale and wet face, her wide eyes filled with fear. He couldn't help but wonder then...was it so grave? Is her secret so grave that she's afraid to admit it, even to him?

They watched each other like this for what felt like hours, his fingertips brushing the soft leather of her purse in her hand. She was trembling, her lower lip worried between her teeth as she looked him straight in the eye. Kaidan saw the fear, the pain she felt in them. Suddenly he couldn't do that to her any longer, he couldn't watch her crying and trembling because of him. He lowered his hand and Shepard stared wide eyed at him, not understanding why he didn't take her purse. She still held the purse out to him as she took a deep, shaky breathing, prepared to face him.

"Kaidan." He lowered his head and closed his eyes until he turned abruptly and walked back to the nearby railing, his back now turned to her. Shepard swallowed hard, his movement surprising her completely. She took a deep breath and decided to go to him, her body still shaking a little from the confrontation. She stopped next to him and he took a deep breath before he spoke, his voice low and pained.

"I'm sorry Shepard. I just, I hate being useless, and when I see you suffering..." She looked up at him when she heard the pain in his voice and she hated that he stopped the sentence. He took a sharp breath and shook his head, then sighed and spoke again. "I just wanna help you Shepard, but sometimes, I get the feeling you don't want my help." She shook her head and placed her hand on his, she knew he blamed himself for...something, but she didn't know why. It wasn't his fault that she's suffering.

"Kaidan," she sighed and shook her head as he looked down on her, his eyes filled with pain "I like being around you Kaidan. Really, I do." He smiled and put his other hand on hers, squeezing it a little. Still he was worried, but he didn't want to spoil the free day. Shepard was relieved that he stopped asking her about her purse. She retrieved her hand and ranked it with his elbow as they both enjoyed the view.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that." He said, both looking at the trees and grass planted on the Citadel. Both enjoyed the moment, but in the back of his mind, Kaidan was depressed and worried. He wanted to know what she hid in her purse, badly, but he wouldn't force her, although he would keep a closer eye on her from now on. He would watch her and see what happens when she thinks that no one is watching. He was turning into a freak and he hated himself for that, but she gave him no choice. This game of cat and mouse started to sicken him because he was really scared for her well being, and he couldn't bear to lose her in any way.

Shepard saw he was in deep thought, as well as her. She was still thinking about the incident that happened this morning in their…his apartment. She blushed hard and quickly chased away that thought, wondering why it felt so normal to imagine living with him in an apartment. She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder, and Kaidan had to smile when her hand came up to his chest.

"I'm sorry Kaidan." His smile faded away when he heard her apology. He hated it when she was sad, and he decided to do anything to keep her smiling.

"No worries, Jane. Just know that I'm here." She smiled and nodded to him before she took a deep breath.

"So...what are your plans for today?" Kaidan looked down at her, his smile even wider and Shepard wondered why he smiled like that.

"Actually...I was thinking of spending the day with you. If you don't mind." Shepard blinked a few times when he said that. She didn't had any plans either, but spending the entire day with Kaidan...it became very warm around her heart when she thought about it, she blushed hard and looked away as she spoke.

"Well, I don't have anything to do either, so..." She still looked away from him because she was certain that her cheeks were bloody red. Kaidan walked to her other side, now he could see her face. He was smiling, she never saw him that happy before and she couldn't help but smile back when she lowered her head a little.

"Alright then, I must warn you though, I can be quite boring and annoying." He said chuckling as he took her hand to lead her away from the railing. He walked backwards and she followed him as he never stopped smiling.

"Yeah, I already knew that." She said teasingly while rolling her eyes, Kaidan mimicked a sad face and she couldn't help but laugh. It was relaxing to talk to him like this, she felt like all the burdens and problems of the galaxy just vanished. They walked and chatted about silly things, then they started talking about what each of them liked. Shepard found out that Kaidan loved the nature, that he spent a lot of time outside when he was on Earth after Jump Zero. He loved listening to old music and he liked dogs and cats, just like her.

Shepard told him that she had ballet and piano classes when she was little, it pained her a little to remember her past, but Kaidan was here, he would smile at her and maybe even hug her, and that would be enough to ease her pain. They bought some ice cream while they walked all around the Citadel, both not caring that someone of their crew or superiors could see them. They were having a nice, relaxing day, and they didn't care about anything right now.

An hour or so later, they went to the Council Chambers to the large fountain. They sat down on a bench that was secluded from the other benches as they watched the large fountain, both silent and in deep thought. Kaidan got homesick then because he had a similar fountain in his home in Vancouver, not that big but still very similar. Shepard saw the distant look on his face, she guessed that something bothered him so she decide to ask him if he is alright.

"What's wrong?" He took a deep breath and looked at her.

"In Vancouver, we had a fountain in our back yard."

"Ah...we?" Shepard was confused and Kaidan realized she didn't know where he was from.

"I lived in Vancouver with my family, my dad, mom and my brother. Our back yard was huge and my mom always wanted a fountain. One time he sent her away on a trip to France for a week only so he could buy and build her a fountain. My mom was overwhelmed when she saw it." Shepard smiled and scooped a bit closer to him.

"Your family seems nice." Kaidan laughed a little, still staring at the fountain when he spoke.

"Yea, they are. Funny thing is, my dad was in the Alliance, he was a high-ranking officer, but still he was afraid of mom. I sometimes laughed at him when he called me over a video chat. He always pointed a finger into the camera and said," Kaidan pointed a finger and made a angry face to mimic his father "'you will see what I'm talking about when you find a wife! They are sometimes creepier then the geth'." Both of them laughed, Kaidan shook his head at the silliness of his father. Shepard shed a few happy tears and she chased them away. Kaidan saw how happy she was, and the next question came out of his mouth like a bomb thrown at her.

"What were your parents like?" He realized what he asked when the words came out of his mouth, and he immediately wished that he could travel through time to kill his past self. He saw Shepard's face going white as paper and he panicked. He had to fix this somehow.

"I'm...I'm so sorry Shepard." She nodded weakly to him as she stared at the ground. He wanted her to slap him, hoping that the slap would tear his mind away from his inner pain and give her some amount of relief. Instead she just sat there, almost lifeless starring at the grass around the fountain. Her heartbeat was frantic when she heard Kaidans question, but she knew his tongue was faster than his brain. She didn't hate him for that, but still it pained her. She lowered her head and rubbed her eyes, hoping to chase the tears away. Kaidan saw that and he hated himself even more. He scooped closer to her and took her hand in his as he spoke.

"You don't have to answer Shepard. That question wasn't my intention, believe me." She nodded and smiled weakly. She lost her voice, she wanted to speak, but she couldn't. Every emotion she felt crushed on her and without thinking she stood up, Kaidan following her as panic overwhelmed him. I screwed it up, he thought as she suddenly turned back to him, her face lowered.

"Kaidan, lets go back to the Normandy." He nodded weakly, hating himself for ruining the evening. They both started to walk back to the Normandy, both silent along the way. His eyes were glued on her, but she wouldn't even look at him. He feared she hated him, but he understood why. She hadn't seen her parents for twentytwo years, of course she would act like this, he thought when they reached the Normandy. They both entered only to be greeted by Joker. He wanted to jest a bit, but Kaidan shot him an angry glare and shook his head, showing him that Shepard wasn't in the mood. Joker understood luckily, so he changed his posture.

"Eh...Commander." He said, unsure of what made her so frustrated. Shepard stopped before him, clearly avoiding his gaze as she spoke.

"Any news of Liara?" Joker shook his head.

"No ma'am. She is still researching." Shepard shook her head, annoyed.

"Damn, without it, we can't request a meeting with the Council." She muttered under her breath as she strode past Joker, leaving him and Kaidan behind. Joker came to Kaidan, a worried expression on his face.

"She good?" Kaidan swallowed hard as he decided to lie.

"Yea she's fine. She's just going nuts because our hands are tied, for now." Joker shook his head.

"I know, I'm going nuts too! But there's nothing we can do until Liara deciphers the vision."

"You're right." Joker saluted him and left towards the second floor, leaving Kaidan behind. Kaidan took a deep breath and followed them after a while, his heartbeat frantic. He reached the final stair and walked around the corner, silently hoping to see her maybe waiting for him, but the small glimmer of hope died when he saw the panel on her door blinking red. She was inside and she locked the door, and Kaidan understood she didn't want to be disturbed. He made his way towards his sleeping pod, he was still in his jeans and shirt, but he didn't bother to change. He would be the one getting up before Shepard, he swore to himself as he closed the pod. It was uncomfortable, but he didn't care about that. Here he was close to her, and here he could help her if she'll need his help.

####

Shepard walked in her room, her heart and mind heavy with hurt and sadness. She wasn't mad at Kaidan, she could never be mad at him, but still his question tore her mind and heart apart. What could she tell him about her parents? There was nothing good lingering on the tip of her tongue to be said about them. They abandoned her, they left her alone only so they could...what? Shepard didn't even know why they left her. As long as she remembered, they were good and they never had any problems with money. Then they left and never returned. That act left a black hole in Shepard's heart, a black hole that ate her happiness and her present away. She couldn't get rid of it no matter how much she tried or how many pills she took, it was still there and it would never go away.

She walked towards her small locker she had in her room for personal stuff, her mind still deeply worried and pained. She opened the locker and took out her Teddy, the same Teddy that went through every shit with her. She sat down on the bed, never taking her eyes away from Teddy. She kept him always close to her, him being the only happy thing that happened to her through her past years. She hugged him close to her chest and closed her eyes, she was childish and silly, she knew, but she just couldn't throw him away. As sad as it sounds, but he was her only friend during the difficult years. She broke the hug and stared at the two black buttons that served as his eyes, and she couldn't help but smile as she saw a few strings peeking from his head and ears.

"Look at us Teddy...we're getting old." She said chuckling as she removed string after string. After a while she removed most of the stings, then she placed him on her lap and stared at him, her mind and eyes distant. She remembered the difficult times she's been through with him, how she hugged him close to her when they slept on the street, how she hid him during the day. She didn't even realize how much that teddy bear, that plush plaything, means to her. She smiled when she decided never to throw him away, that this was the only good keepsake she had from her parents.

Suddenly Shepard's mind became heavy as she thought about her home, her mom and dad. It tore her apart, and even though she searched for them she couldn't find them. They weren't dead, she knew because they weren't on the data base of the deceased. The only explanation Shepard could manage was that they changed their identities, and that thought always broke her. Suddenly she felt sick, and she felt as if she's being watched. She dared to look up and her blood froze when she saw little Shepard, her eyes glaring with hatred and anger looking at her. Shepard swallowed hard and tore her eyes away from little Shepard, always repeating in her mind that she's not real, that she's a hallucination. She felt her coming closer, but still she looked at Teddy, trying not to pay any attention to the hallucination.

_'You're ignoring me.'_

Shepard shifted nervously, still staring down at Teddy and refusing to look at her. Little Shepard came closer, she stood before her now and her entire body shook, but she wouldn't look up, and that made little Shepard furious.

_'Why are you ignoring me? I don't have anyone to talk to!'_

She yelled and Shepard felt a cold shudder running down her spine, her shaky hands clung to Teddy, never letting go of him or looking away from him.

_'You abandoned Ashley, and now you're abandoning me?!'_

Shepard had to look up at her when she heard that, it broke her and tears dwelled in her eyes as she looked at her little self with the bloody hands.

"I did NOT abandon her! I had to make a choice!" She lost it. She yelled through the room, completely forgetting where she is. Little Shepard smiled, her narrowed eyes piercing through her soul.

_'But why him?! Why not Ashley?!'_

Shepard ranked her hands in her hair and pulled at it, hard, she wanted to feel immense pain hoping that the pain would distract her, but to no use. She still felt her presence and it slowly drove her insane.

"Please, go away..." But little Shepard wouldn't have it.

_'I am NOT leaving! Why him?! Why the fuck was he more important than Ashley?!'_

Shepard cried now, her sobs filling the room. Her entire body shook violently as she desperately tried to ignore her. She still pulled at her hair, suddenly she stood up and threw her Teddy at little Shepard. The hallucination was laughing mockingly at her as Shepard sat on the other end of the bed, her back now turned to her and her eyes tightly closed as her little self talked again.

_'Ashley was like a sister to you! She was more important than he will ever be!'_

"That's not true!" She yelled through the room, again forgetting where she was. Then she took all the courage she had to finally say out loud what she felt for him, if only to herself.

"I care for him! He makes me feel like I'm something more than just a soldier! With him I'm not alone!" Her voice was breaking, but still she managed to say it. Little Shepard came and stood in front of her now, her cold and angry eyes boring holes into her as Shepard looked at her, unable to look away.

_'He is a distraction! You sacrificed a capable soldier because of him!'_

Then she leaned away from her, her small bloody hands crossed before her chest now.

_'You have to get rid of him!'_

Shepard shook her head as fear and despair overwhelmed her. She shook her head as she crawled backwards on the bed, her wide and frightened eyes never looking away from her.

"What? NO! I need him!" Little Shepard got furious then and she yelled at Shepard, but her voice was not the voice of a child anymore...her voice was deep, deeper than the deepest octave on the piano.

_'He is a distraction! Get rid of him! You know he's not allowed to stay! I command you to kill him!'_

Shepard's heartbeat was frantic, her lungs desperately trying to catch some air. She was trembling, scared, sweaty, she was barely breathing as she closed her eyes to ignore her, but still she felt her presence. Still she felt the cold chill in the room, knowing that she's here to torture her. Without anything left to do to ban her she screamed, very loud, her throat hurting because of it. She screamed for what felt like hours, then she cried aloud, her entire body shaking with every sob she let out. She cried and cried, and somehow she could hear someone entering her room, then she remembered that she was at the Normandy, but she didn't care.

Her mind was falling apart and there's nothing she could do about it.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **xforeverquotex**, **geoavenger**, **HeartyMedusa** and **Gabe97 **for reviewing the last chapter. Thanks to everyone who reads this and who put it on their subscription list. So glad you enjoy my story and I hope this chapter didn't disappoint. And of course, keep reviewing. They fuel my inspiration :3


	14. Chapter 14

A loud scream echoed in his mind and his eyes flew wide open as he realized that this scream was not part of his dream. In his dream she was smiling, laughing, he was kissing her and they were enjoying the warm day in Vancouver. He panicked and opened his sleeping pod, as well as the others. Everyone stood up and looked with horror on their faces at each other, all of them confused as to who was screaming this late and why. But he knew who it was. He knew because his heart and blood froze at the sound of her scream.

"What was that?" He heard Pressly asking, but he was already running towards her quarter's. His heart was frantic, almost exploding when he stopped before her door to enter the security lock. His hands shook, his breathing fast and ragged as he entered the wrong security lock. The door beeped and he took a deep breath to remember her password. He muttered the numbers out as he entered them. The only thing he saw in his minds eye was her smiling face she had in his dream earlier, her bright shining eyes, her dimples at the end of her smile. He entered the correct password and the door slid open, and what he saw shocked him to his very bones.

She was still crying, her body rocking back and forth with her hands buried in her hair. Without thinking he turned and pushed the lock panel on the door, and the door slid close and locked itself. He watched her, his heart and mind heavy at the sight of her like that. He crossed the distance to her fast and sat down, gently grabbing her shoulders and trying to pull her closer to him, but she shook even more. She tried to wiggle out of his grip and he knew she had a very rough nightmare.

"Go away! Please...leave me alone!"

"Shepard...Jane it's me, Kaidan." But she didn't hear him, she believed that little Shepard tried to mock and torture her. She kept her eyes closed and still pushed his hands away.

"No! You're lying! You're not him!" Kaidan froze at that, wondering why she said that. He was shocked and looked at her with wide and fearful eyes, then he grabbed her shoulders again and without giving her the time to do anything, he pulled her into an embrace. He put his hand on the back of her neck, the other ranked around her upper back preventing her to leave. She shook and cried, her throat dry as a desert and hurting from all the crying and screaming. She still tried to push this hallucination away, but something was different. He was warm and he smelled so nicely. Suddenly she recognized the scent. She couldn't help but feel relieved when she realized it was truly Kaidan, it was no hallucination. She cried out loud in happiness as she wrapped her hands around his waist, clinging to him desperately. He didn't want to question her, not right now at least, but his mind screamed at him for asking her what happened. He kept silent though, he would hold her as long as she needs it. He stroked her back in slow in steady motions hoping to calm her.

They were sitting like this for what felt like hours, and when Kaidan checked the time he saw an hour passed since he came here. He still held her and she still shook, but at least she stopped crying. He gently grabbed her shoulders wanting to break the hug to look into her eyes, but she tightened her grip around his waist and buried her head in his shoulder. She didn't want him to break the hug, she wanted him to hold her, to give her protection and safety. Kaidan understood that and wrapped his arms around her again as he nuzzled his nose in her hair, and he had the urge to tell her something, anything.

"It's okay Shepard. You're not alone." She smiled then, her head still resting on his shoulder. She wasn't alone, not with him around and that thought calmed her a lot. A few minutes after he said that she broke the hug and leaned away a bit, her face inches away from his, her head lowered and her eyes closed. Kaidan watched her pale face and his heart tightened in his chest, he kept silent though, feeling that all she needed was someone close to her. And he was right. She was silent, he was silent, it was something they both needed right now. She opened her eyes and saw he was still wearing the clothes from today, and she couldn't help but wonder if he slept at all.

"Kaidan...did I wake you up?" Her voice was trembling and she avoided his gaze.

"I ah, slept, but then I heard you scream and...you know, I ran over here." He said almost embarrassed for his action and Shepard smiled weakly as she brought her hands up to his chest, her eyes staring at her hands.

"I'm sorry, I...I had a nightmare." Kaidan swallowed hard, his eyes running across her face as his hands fell down to her waist. Something was definitely wrong here.

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was low and pained, but she just couldn't talk to him about little Shepard, the fear was just too immense. She shook her head and he was disappointed, but still he understood her so he didn't want to upset her.

"It's okay Shepard." He whispered to her, his voice music to her ears, soothing her troubled mind. But then she thought about what little Shepard told her about him, that he is a distraction and that she needs to get rid of him. She smiled then, her smile stretching so wide that her dimples appeared again. Kaidan watched her confused, wondering what made her smile this brightly at him. She could never get rid of this man, she...she cared for him, deeply, and it was time she showed it to him. She leaned her head on his chest, the sound of his even and calm heartbeat calming her. Kaidan wrapped his arms around her again, he was relaxed and calm with her in his arms, knowing that she's safe and sound. Both of them were silent again, time passed by, and slowly but surely he could feel the exhaustion crushing over him. He glanced down at her only to see her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open. Relief crushed over him when he saw she was sleeping, so he gently leaned her down on the bed, but despite him being careful she woke up, her eyes lazily looking at him as she grabbed his hand to stop him.

"Please...stay here until I'm asleep." Kaidan swallowed hard, he thought his mind is playing tricks with him, but he saw the honesty and plea in her eyes.

"Shepard."

"After that, you can go. I'm afraid, Kaidan." He swallowed again, he didn't know what to do. There were regs and protocols and she was his Commander...what should I do?

"Please..." She begged him again, and he realized he couldn't say no. He slowly lowered himself on the bed next to her, his heartbeat frantic as the rational part of his mind screamed at him to go away. He broke many regs and protocols right now, in this moment, but somehow he didn't care as he lowered his body a little bit away from hers, his head turned so he could look at her. Suddenly she scooped next to him, leaning her head on his chest as well as her palm, and Kaidan couldn't ignore his frantic heart anymore. He swallowed multiple times desperately trying to calm his wild beating heart, but her head leaned on his chest, her scent, her warm body close to his...he had to divert his mind somehow. He stared at the ceiling as he, without thinking, wrapped his hand around her, scolding himself the second he did that, fearing that he maybe offended her. But she leaned into him and he smiled, relieved that he didn't offend her. He closed his eyes, but he would not fall asleep, as soon as she's asleep he would leave.

####

Kaidan looked around the room, her deep and even breathing beating the silence of the room. Her head still rested on his chest, but her body stopped shaking and her breathing returned to normal. She calmed down thank the god, he thought as he dared to look down on her to see if she sleeps. Her eyes were closed, her lips slightly parted and relief crushed over him when he saw she was in deep sleep. Slowly, very slowly, he leaned her body back on the bed, tugging the blanket around her shoulders. He looked down at her and smiled, never had he seen her that relaxed before. He stood up from the bed, slowly, hoping not to awake her. Suddenly he stepped on something soft and his eyes fell on the floor, only to see him stepping on a teddy bear. He blinked rapidly as he tried to figure out to whom this could belong, then he turned his head to Shepard and wondered...does it belong to her?

He picked up the teddy bear and looked at it, seeing the many strings peeking out of his head he knew the teddy was old, very old. He turned back to Shepard, thinking that this could indeed belong to her. He slowly and silently walked back to her. He leaned down and placed the teddy next to her, knowing that she would maybe look for it in the morning. Kaidan didn't judge her for having her teddy bear even when she's a full grown woman. No. The thought of her having her teddy bear after so many years made his heart clench and a lump forming in his throat. He swallowed hard and glanced one last time at Shepard, before he took his leave. He had to return to his sleeping pod because it was late, and he hoped he would get at least a little rest. But his heart and mind was at ease because he knew that Shepard slept.

####

Her eyes slowly adjusted to the light in the room, they were a bit swollen and it hurt her while she opened them. No wonder, she thought as she remembered how much she cried last night. Suddenly a thought crossed her mind when she remembered how she fell asleep. Her heart beat faster when she remembered that she fell asleep with Kaidan on her side. She looked down as a blush started to color her cheeks when she spotted Teddy next to her. She placed him on her lap and smiled, knowing that Kaidan placed him next to her. Her eyes fell on her omni-tool, it was 8:30 am, she stretched her body and yawned before she made her way towards the bath. Fifteen minutes later she was cleaned and dressed in her hoodie and jeans. She made her way out of her quarter's when her eyes spotted someone sitting on the large mass hall table. It was Kaidan, her heart skipped a beat and her cheeks blushed from embarrassment when she remembered last night. Her steps towards him were slow and hesitant, but she closed the distance between them and now she had a better look at him.

His head was leaned on his hand, the other hand held a large cup with coffee, his eyes were closed and his breathing deep and even. Shepard saw he was relaxing, maybe even sleeping, and she knew it was because he comforted her last night. She felt guilty and struggled whether to wake him up or not. She decided then to wake him up and to send him home to relax. She slowly sat down next to him, a small smile gracing her face when she placed her hand on his shoulder. He didn't react so she decided to call his name.

"Kaidan." Her voice was a mere whisper, but still it woke him up. He looked around startled, but calmed down and smiled as soon as he saw her.

"Eh...ah, Commander." One of the crew mates walked past them and Shepard smiled at him for being so cautious. The crew mate walked further away and Kaidan let out a sigh of relief.

"How are you Shepard?"

"I'm fine, actually. I woke up a few minutes ago." He smelled her shower gel and smiled, she just left her bed and she already smells wonderful, he thought as he sipped his coffee before he stood up and walked towards the coffee machine.

"You want one?"

"Sure." After a minute, the coffee was finished and they both sat at the table drinking their coffee and relaxing. His was a little colder but he didn't mind, he didn't like his coffee hot, Shepard though, she loves hot coffee so she eagerly sipped hers. Kaidan watched her closely, the sight of her being depressed and upset last night not leaving his mind. That's why he couldn't sleep at all, he was worried that something is happening to her, but she wouldn't tell anyone what. Of course she wouldn't, he thought, she's Commander Shepard, first human Specter, she's not allowed to be weak.

Shepard felt his eyes on her and turned her head to him, only to see his worried eyes looking at her. She averted her gaze to the cup of coffee in her hand, his gaze was too much for her to bear right now. She swallowed hard and Kaidan saw it, he immediately thought that she blamed herself for something. Suddenly she turned to him, a weak smile on her face as she spoke.

"Kaidan, I want you to have a day outside the Normandy. Go home and get a little rest." He smiled and leaned closer to her, and before he placed his hand on hers he looked around to be sure that no one would catch them.

"I'm fine Shepard. Besides, I can't sleep now" he lifted his cup of coffee "I drank my coffee." Shepard smiled a little, but the smile was weak and regretful and Kaidan wondered why.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She leaned a bit closer to him to whisper.

"I'm sorry for keeping you awake till late night. You barely slept because of me." He squeezed her hand a little, his eyes looking at her while she still looked at the cup of coffee.

"Shepard, I'm fine, trust me. It's not the first time I didn't sleep much." Her head shot back to him, worry clearly written on her face.

"You mean...there were more nights when you couldn't sleep?" He heard the concern in her voice and he smiled a little while he retrieved his hand from hers.

"Some night's when the migraine kicks in. I'm usually sitting here on the table then, holding a bag of ice cubes on my head to sooth the headache. Even back in Brain Camp we had many sleepless night's." Her eyes widened a little and he knew he got her interested.

"Tell me about it..." He drank his coffee to finally wake up properly before he spoke, his voice low.

"Our Commander, Vyrnnus, claimed that every soldier has to be prepared 24/7, day or night. He had the habit of turning the alarm on in the middle of the night, usually after a hard days mission. After the alarm was on you had five minutes to dress and to prepare your rifle and biotics. As a kid, you had struggles keeping your biotics under control, even if you're fully rested. But Vyrnnus wouldn't have it, he didn't understand that human biotics are not born with the 'gift', like the alien's." He took another large sip from the coffee and Shepard couldn't help but ask.

"And what happens after you're done and ready?"

"Then he bombed us to the training ground's. Simulating full scale war. Some kid's collapsed and had to be treated, some of us passed." Shepard leaned her head on her hand, her worried eyes looking at him.

"And you? Did you pass?" Kaidan's expression darkened then, his eyes looking at the cup of coffee in his hand as his nervousness grew. His finger began silently tapping on the table, and Shepard knew she brought back a painful memory.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry, I-"

"It's okay Shepard." He took another sip, the cup was empty so he placed the cup a bit further away. He looked around the mass hall and took a deep breath before he continued.

"I barely made it. But I somehow found my last reserves of strength because...well, a friend needed my help."

"Rahna." His head turned to Shepard as he heard her saying her name. Shepard smiled weakly and placed her hand on his, feeling he was a bit cold.

"You found your last reserves of strength to help Rahna...right?" Kaidan swallowed hard. It was still a little strange to talk to Shepard about Rahna but...he needed it. He knew she wouldn't judge him so he took a deep breath to continue.

"Yeah...Rahna. She was tired, and she hurt her leg that day. A doctor checked her and told her to rest, but...well, Vyrnnus wouldn't have it. He didn't even care that some of the kids were hurt. But to answer your question. Yeah, I helped Rahna. Somehow, we made it." Shepard smiled at, her smile warm and reassuring as she patted his hand.

"You were noble Kaidan, and you still are." He chuckled and it turned into a small laugh, his shoulders working with it. He calmed down, the smile still resting on his face as he looked back at her, feeling her warm hand still resting on his.

"Well I, ah, I try to be the gentleman. You know, always putting the needs of the lady before my own." There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and Shepard couldn't help but chuckle as she heard him saying that, her heart feeling lighter now knowing that she didn't offended him. She liked the way they flirted with each other, and since they have enough free time...

"You're chivalrous, Kaidan. And I admire chivalrous people." Shepard winked as she said that and Kaidan was somehow...shocked to see her flirting so openly with him, not that he minded. He kinda liked it.

"I, ah...I'll need some time to process that...ma'am." She chuckled, her shoulders working with the chuckle and her smile stretching so wide it showed her dimples again.

"No worries Alenko. You got all the time you need." She patted her hand and stood up, suddenly Joker spoke to them through the intercom.

"Commander, Liara just told me that the crew should meet her in the comm room. Seems she discovered something."

"Thanks Joker." She turned her head to Kaidan and he stood up, pointing his hand towards the stairs.

"Ladies first." She shook her head and chuckled, but she did as he asked. She walked in front of him and somehow, she felt he did that only so he could stare at her rear, which only made her sway her hips more seductively. Kaidan swallowed as his eyes went lower, and lower, until it reached the lovely shape of her rear. A mischievous smile appeared on his face, he knew she was doing that on purpose. Cheeky girl, he thought as they finally reached the upper floor, both returning to their professional facade. They made their way to the comm room, both keeping a solid distance between them so no one could suspect anything. They both entered the comm room, only to see the others sitting in their chairs. Kaidan sat down on his chair, Shepard sat on the chair next to him, Liara stood up and approached them, an unreadable expression on her face.

"Commander, as you may have heard, I have discovered something from your vision that is vital for our mission."

"Go ahead, Liara. I'm all ears."

"Yes Commander." She typed something on her omni-tool to open her log, then she turned to everyone in the room.

"The vision you received Commander, was indeed a warning send to all Prothean colonies throughout the universe. It was a warning about their destruction, but sadly, the warning came to late." She typed again something on her omni-tool and opened another log.

"They were destroyed by the reapers, just as we feared Commander. They sent the message moments before the reapers would invade them."

"But why would they do it?" Kaidan asked and Liara turned to him.

"Unfortunately, I couldn't retrieve that information, but I found out that they are repeating the cycle, over and over."

"Why are they destroying civilization after civilization?" Liara lowered her head, clearly in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, Commander. I don't know the answer to that." Shepard shifted in her chair and smiled at Liara.

"You're doing okay Liara." The asari lifted her head and smiled, a large burden falling from her shoulders.

"Thank you Shepard. Anyway..." She typed on her omni-tool again to open another log.

"The location... I recognized the planet. It can be accessed only through the Mu Relay in the Terminus System. The planet is called Ilos." Shepard stood up.

"Joker, call Udina and tell him to arrange a meeting with the Council."

"I did that already Commander. Udina is waiting for you in the Presidium." Shepard smiled and walked towards the door.

"Alenko, Liara. Gear up, we're heading for the meeting."

"Aye aye ma'am." Both said as they followed Commander Shepard. She was excited and eager. Now she could prove to the Council that she was right, about everything.

####

"Ambassador Udina, I get the sense that Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go." The Ambassador turned to her, his face annoyed and angry.

"There are serious political implications here, Shepard. Humanity has made great gains thanks to you, but now you're becoming more trouble than you're worth." Shepard blinked wide eyed at him, not quite believing her own ears.

"You bastard! You're selling us out!" Yelled Kaidan from behind her back, but hey, why is she so turned on by the sound of his angry voice?

"It's just politics, Commander. You've done your job, now let me do mine. We've locked out all the Normandy's primary systems. Until further notice, you're grounded."

"Are you insane? After everything I've done, you still don't believe me?" Udina turned to her, and God she swore she saw the mocking twinkle in his eyes.

"I think it's time for you and your team to leave, Commander. This no longer concerns you. The council will deal with it, with my help, of course." Shepard stood there, silently observing the Ambassador with narrowed eyes, thinking were would her boot fit more perfectly, in the back of his head or in his face. Kaidan saw the deathly glare she sent him, he knew she wouldn't back down.

"Commander." He called her and she turned to him, she looked at Udina one last time before she turned and left, angry and frustrated. The anger was boiling up and up, and Shepard feared that she would kick the ambassador's ass if they don't find any geth to kill. They entered the elevator towards the C-sec academy, all were silent until Liara broke the silence.

"I can't believe they're ignoring us. They're denying the facts" Shepard shifted from one leg to the other, crossing her arms before her chest as she spoke.

"Well, they won't believe us because we don't have enough proof."

"Bullshit! They're not believing us because we are humans!" Liara turned her head to Kaidan but kept silent. Kaidan saw the look she gave him and lowered his head in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, Liara, I meant no offense."

"I am not offended, lieutenant. But if that'll make it easier for you to bear, I was the one telling them about Ilos and the reapers. I am an alien and they still wouldn't believe me." Kaidan realized what a jerk he was.

"I'm sorry, Liara."

"Again, it's okay." All went silent again, luckily the elevator doors opened soon and they stepped outside, only so they could enter another elevator towards the docking bay. She had to inform the crew that they're on shore leave until the Council needed their help again. Her foot silently began tapping on the floor and Kaidan felt he has to do something.

"Shepard-"

"Not here Alenko." Her voice held a note of warning and Kaidan understood that she didn't want him to be that informal. Maybe there are cameras here, he thought as he nodded to her.

"Sorry...Commander." Shepard smiled and again the door opened. They stepped outside and made their way towards the Normandy. A few minutes later they walked to the CIC room when Joker spoke to them through the intercom.

"Err, Commander, do you have a minute? Something strange happened to the Normandy."

"Get everyone to the comm room and turn on the intercom Joker, everyone has to hear this."

"Ah...aye aye ma'am." Kaidan, Shepard and Liara waited for everyone to appear in the comm room. She already saw the annoyed faces of her friends and she took a deep breath to calm her racing heartbeat. She was so mad, the pride of the fleet is grounded, great, she thought as finally everyone entered. She stood up and stopped in the middle of the comm room, facing everyone, she took a deep breath before she spoke, her voice annoyed and angry.

"Well, as some of you know, the Council didn't believe us about the reaper threat...again." Before she could continue Garrus spoke up.

"So? Why are we not leaving for Ilos then?" Shepard took another deep breath, oh boy, they are going to be so pissed...

"That's the second problem. The Council, kind off...grounded us."

"What?!" Echoed through the room. Gasps and no's were heard through the intercom and this was the first time Shepard felt helpless. She took a deep breath before she spoke again.

"They claim that we have done our part of the mission. Now it's their turn."

"But what about the Conduit?" Tali asked with a slight note of anger in her voice, Shepard wasn't the only one angry here, it seems.

"They are not sending anyone to Ilos because they don't have enough proof. I'm sorry guys, but...we're on a short shore leave, it seems." With that said Shepard turned and left, broken and frustrated. Everyone watched her leave, everyone worried as to what to do about the reaper threat. Soon though, they realized there's nothing they can do so they left the comm room, one by one to do something, anything. They're on shore leave, they can do whatever they wanted, but it seems that only Kaidan was happy. Now he had the time to forget the universe and the problems. Now he could focus on her and her problems, fully.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **Gabe97**, **HeartyMedusa**, **Tolai**, **MammonDaughter** and **Extreme Carrot **for reviewing the last chapter.

I'm really happy you like this story so far and I do hope you continue reading it :-)


	15. Chapter 15

**Warning: **contains very depressing bits.

####

Kaidan sat on the large mass hall table drinking his coffee and trying desperately to distract his mind from what happened last night, how Shepard screamed and how he found her all trembling and scared. This was his second coffee this morning and he knew he shouldn't drink it because his implants could get damaged. After the debrief he came here and sat down hoping to see and talk to her, but she left the Normandy, telling him she had some important business to finish. He wondered what this important busines could be, but he somehow knew she was heading to Michel again. He even thought of spying on her, but he decided to drop the matter, he would let her for now. He drank his coffee, still deep in thought and still troubled about Shepard when suddenly someone sat in front of him. It was Liara. She was worried, Kaidan knew from the expression she wore on her face. He took a deep breath before he met her gaze.

"Doctor T'Soni." She smiled weakly, he saw that she drank coffee as well. It seems some things carry across species after all.

"How are you, Kaidan?" It was kinda strange to call him by his name, but nonetheless it was nice.

"I'm fine Liara. Just worried about the things that happened recently." She took a sip from her coffee before she nodded to him.

"We are in a rough spot. After all the Commander has done for the Council they still won't believe her." Kaidan leaned his forearms on the table and leaned a bit closer to her.

"I'm sure we'll find a way to appeal the Council, or the Alliance." Liara nodded weakly to that before her eyes fell on her cup of coffee. After a while she looked at Kaidan again, and Kaidan knew she was here for a reason.

"Kaidan, I was wondering if we could talk?" Kaidan raised his eyebrows but still nodded in agreement. Liara shifted uncomfortably in her seat, Kaidan realized something bothered her but he kept silent. After a while she leaned even closer to whisper.

"I see you are very fond of the Commander." Kaidan furrowed his eyebrows together, he didn't know where this conversation is going, but he didn't like the start of it. Liara saw the annoyance on his face and she somehow guessed what he was thinking about. She raised her hands and shook her head, showing him she meant no harm.

"I am not here for that, Kaidan. If so, I am happy for the two of you. But something bothers me..." Kaidan was silent, he somehow knew what she was going to ask. "Is the Commander well? I mean, her screaming from last night worried me, and since she's not letting Chakwas or me examine her, I just wanted to ask you if she's fine." Kaidan swallowed hard as he stared at Liara, not knowing what to say because he didn't know her problems either. He folded his hands under his chin and looked at the table while taking a very deep breath.

"She has nightmares of...well, her past." Liara sipped her coffee again before she placed the cup back on the table, watching it and nodding.

"Her life must've been hard. I can never even imagine what she's gone through."

"Yeah..." Kaidan drank his second coffee empty and now he gave Liara all his attention. "I, ah...don't know much either. She's...rather sensitive on that matter." Liara nodded again.

"I'm sure she is. A child that had to look after herself has to have traumas." Kaidan furrowed his eyebrows together as Liara's words reached his mind.

"Doctor T'Soni...I'm not sure where this conversation is going." Liara tilted her head from side to side to stretch her neck muscles.

"Kaidan, the Commander is very dear to all of us. We are worried." Kaidan let out a deep breath.

"I know, but apart from the nightmares she's fine." I hope, Kaidan thought as Liara finally stood up. She looked down on him as she spoke.

"Very well. I will trust your judgement. As I said I don't wish to appear rude or...something." With that she turned and left, Kaidan could hear a small note of hurt in her voice, but he cared less. It was Shepard who worried him, who kept him sleepless at night. Her problems ate his soul away even though he didn't know most of the things. He hated it, the feeling of being useless. He stared at the table and wondered how long this game of cat and mouse is going to last.

After a while he stood up and decided to head home, he was sick of the Normandy, and right now he had to be alone for a while. He greeted Joker and ignored his question where he was heading to, he just walked out. He took the two elevators to the Wards, but he never stopped looking around to see if he'll spot her somewhere. A few minutes later he came to the Wards and walked to his apartment.

He entered and went to the answering machine, he pushed the button and went to the hologram to turn on the fireplace.

"_You_ _have_ 1 _new_ _message_." Kaidan sat at the couch as the migraine became heavier and heavier even though the fireplace started to light the room, then the message started.

"_Hello_ _Kaidan_, _how_ _are_ _you_?" He smiled, it was his mom.

"_I hope_ _you're_ _fine_ _and_ _that_ _the_ _missions_ _aren't_ _too_ _dangerous_." Suddenly another voice joined her. It was his father.

"_Eh_ _come_ _on_ _now_ _Darcy_, _he's_ _a_ _soldier_. _Of_ _course_ _there_ _will_ _be_ _a_ _few dangerous missions_." He could hear his mother taking a sharp breath and he chuckled.

"_Oh_ _don't_, _please_! _I can't_ _imagine_ _my_ _baby_ _boy_ _in_ _danger_!" His dad mumbled something and his mom sighed frustrated.

"_You_ _hear_ _that_ _son_? _Your_ _mom_ _is_ _freaking_ _out_ _again_."

"_Of_ _course_ _I'll_ _freak_ _out_!" Both his dad and Kaidan chuckled, the migraine slowly fading away.

"_Anyway_, _son_. _Just wanted to tell you your brother is going to get married_. _He_ _finally asked Trish to marry him. Can you believe that? You should see her, she's freaking out like your mother is."_

"_What's_ _that_ _supposed_ _to_ _mean?!_" His mom was angry now and Kaidan couldn't help but laugh a little as he heard his dad stuttering.

"_Nothing_! _Nothing_ _my_ _dear_. _Have_ _I told_ _you that you lost weight?_" His mom sighed and Kaidan knew she shook her head.

"_Anyway_, _Kaidan_, _call_ _us_ _when_ _you_ _have_ _the_ _free_ _time_ _to_ _do_ _so_. _And_ _of_ _course_ _you're_ _invited_ _to_ _that_ _wedding_, _bring_ _whoever_ _you_ _want_, _but_ _I hope_ _it'll_ _be_ _a date_. _The wedding's in two weeks._" She giggled and his dad laughed behind her.

"_Take_ _care_ _son_, _bye_." With that the message was over, leaving Kaidan to think about many things. He thought about the wedding, then he thought who he could bring with to the wedding, and a small smile appeared on his face. He would ask her if she would like to join him. The wedding was in two weeks and he hoped they would kill Saren and finally have a long vacation by that.

Kaidan stood up and his eyes flew to the folded picture on the shelf. He walked over and took the photo only to see that it was the photo with him and Rahna. Immediately his mind flew to the memory where they made this photo. It was on Eden Prime when they got a few free days. The Alliance forced Vyrnnus to give the kids a few free days because they realized how he treated them. Kaidan remembered being so happy that he couldn't stop smiling. The other kids were happy too, happy to finally get away from that bloody Jump Zero. Kaidan walked back to the couch and he sat down as he looked at Rahna on the photo. She was fifteen at that time, but she already had her womanly curves which made the other kids, including him, stare at her. Kaidan shook his head as he recalled a memory with her on the beach of Eden Prime, it was a nice summer day and they sat alone on the beach...at first.

####

"It's so nice and relaxing to be here." Rahna said as they sat on the sandy beach next to the large ocean. The wind was waving easily, the sea creating a soothing sound which made both of them relax. The other kids were playing volleyball behind them, Rahna and Kaidan were the reserves so they had a little time to relax. Rahna wore a long summer dress that covered her curves. Kaidan hated that dress, but that was Rahna. She was always shy and never showed too much skin. Kaidan liked that about her, but sometimes her shyness was just too much. He wanted to help her out, to break her free of that shell a little. But not for his own benefit. He wanted to make her more relaxed around new groups of people. Kaidan looked at the horizon, the sun high in the sky, it was a warm and nice day and Kaidan enjoyed the isolation with Rahna.

"Yeah, hard to believe that such a place exists outside the Sol system." Kaidan turned to Rahna then and smiled when she looked back at him. "How is your nosebleed?" Rahna chuckled a little before she answered.

"It stopped bleeding. It bleeds a few drops during the night but it's nothing like back in Brain Camp. I really like this place." Kaidan chuckled and looked back at the horizon. He was content and happy. Rahna watched him closely and blushed, she always liked being around Kaidan.

"How are your migraines?" Kaidan looked back at her and smiled.

"I still have them, but not that frequent. The sea wind and scent soothes the migraines. And Vyrnnus isn't here, do I have to tell you more." Both laughed a little, suddenly someone came up from behind and sat down next to Rahna. It was Sean. Kaidan sighed and looked away as his jealousy grew again. Sean held out a paper to Rahna with some coordinates and Rahna scooped closer to him, ignoring Kaidan.

"Rahna, look. I looked through the telescope and...and saw a new star here. I checked the coordinates on the extra-net and saw that this star is still undiscovered!" Kaidan shook his head as Rahna squealed and hugged the boy. Sean was a bloody wonder kid, with thirteen he had a IQ of 140, he was by far the most intelligent kid in the camp. Kaidan still shook his head but stopped when Rahna turned to him, a bright smile on her face.

"Have you heard Kaidan? Sean discovered a new star." She turned back to the kid and hugged him, and Kaidan felt jealous again.

"I'm so happy for you Sean." Sean turned bright red as Rahna released the hug. Rahna turned to Kaidan and saw something on his face. Was it hurt? She came closer to Kaidan and placed her hand on his shoulder. Kaidan's head turned to her and he smiled weakly, suddenly the other kids that played volleyball called them.

"Rahna! Kaidan! Come on!" Kaidan sat up followed by Rahna. Sean just sat there with a large physics book to study his coordinates. Both returned to the game, but Rahna couldn't focus on the game that much. She still thought of Kaidan and his hurt expression on his face. She made a mental note to talk to him later. Later, when they're alone.

####

He drank his tea as he looked at the photo, her smiling face, her lovely hair and lips. Now when he was older he realized what a fool he was. He was hopelessly in love with her, but she never felt the same for him. Sean always managed to steal her away from him, even though the kid was a nerd and Rahna being the only girl he talked to in the camp. Kaidan was very jealous at him and now when he looked back at his old self he shook his head and couldn't help but feel stupid for his behavior. But that's what he felt whenever Rahna walked away from him only because Sean called her. He felt jealousy, and it felt terrible. Later that night she wanted to talk to him, she even followed him to the empty beach where he wanted to relax because a migraine threatened to take his sleep. When she asked him what was wrong he just lied to her, he didn't want to complicate their friendship. If she felt the same, good, if not...well, it would hurt but hopefully he would get over it.

Kaidan threw the photo on the table in front of him as the memory grew rather painful. He felt so many things for her right now, he felt hate, anger, love, admiration. All these things he felt towards a single person and his mind became heavy again. He started to circle his fingers on his temples to ease the oncoming headache, and immediately his mind flew to the time when Shepard massaged his migraine away.

"Shepard..." He whispered as he let out a heavy sigh, wondering where she could be right now. So many thoughts and ideas swirled through his mind when he thought about her possible illness. He was worried because he started to care for her, even though he wasn't allowed to feel that way towards his superior officer. There were so many regs that forbid him to have any kind of relationship with her, but somehow he didn't care for that. He never felt like this towards any girl, except Rahna and Shepard. Sure, he had a few one night stands, some he remembered and some he didn't, but both these women invaded his mind to the point that he couldn't focus on anything else.

He looked away from the picture and closed his eyes as the headache he felt grew very painful. Her name never left his thoughts and his lips as he massaged his temples. He thought about Shepard smiling at him, her smile so wide that it revealed the dimples at the end of her mouth. He remembered her usually sad and empty eyes that lighted up whenever he said something silly. He didn't even realize he was smiling as he thought of her. Shepard was invading his mind, and it seems she's invading his heart too, because whenever he sees her he feels butterflies in his stomach.

His mind flew to his future then, wondering if anything would ever happen between him and Shepard. He cared for her, and again he was worried for her health. He sighed and looked at the clock on his wall, it was 9:30 pm. He shook his head and walked upstairs to his bedroom. Somehow he was tired and he needed to sleep before the migraine took over him. He removed his clothes and lied down in nothing but his boxers, he stared at the ceiling and thought about Shepard. He only prayed that she was well and healthy, and that she doesn't carry a grave secret around.

####

Shepard entered the Normandy, finally. After a long day of walking around the Citadel she was very tired and exhausted. She went to Anderson and talked to him about the Normandy's shut down. He told her he would think of a way to free them and Shepard was grateful for his help. He was like a father to her, the father she had lost so many years ago. That thought always made her sad. She checked every month if her parents names were on the deceased list. But they weren't and that made her wondering. Was she annoying to them? Was she a burden to them? She shook her head as her memories of them invaded her mind. They weren't dead, but Shepard couldn't, she wouldn't believe that they left her simply because she was a burden to them. She was their daughter for heaven's sake!

She removed her clothes after she entered her quarters in the Normandy. It was 10 pm, she guessed that everyone was sleeping already. She went to her bathroom to take a quick shower before she would go to sleep. She hadn't spoken to Kaidan the entire day, and she had to admit that she missed talking to him. Her mind flew to him and the time when he lulled her into sleep, she could still hear the sound of his calm heartbeat when she leaned her head on his chest. The sound of his heartbeat and his deep and even breathing was enough to lull her into sleep. He wrapped his arm around her and she remembered the blush that colored her cheeks.

After a while she took her hot pants and her white tank top, she walked back into her bedroom while drying her hair with the towel. Suddenly she stopped. Little Shepard was here again, she was sitting at the bed playing with Teddy, she hummed a song while she was focused on playing with the teddy bear. Shepard stood there petrified, her heartbeat immediately quickening and her breathing becoming heavy. She hugged her waist as her wide eyes stared at little Shepard, the little girl chuckled while she took Teddy by his hands and stretched him.Suddenly she turned her small head towards Shepard, her smile disappearing from her face.

_'Hey there. Sorry, I hope we're no disturbing you.'_

Shepard blinked a few times, she could already feel her eyes watering as she stared at the hallucination. She knew she was going mad, she knew nothing of this was real, but she couldn't shut that part of her brain out. Little Shepard played with Teddy and smiled again as she spoke.

_'I met a few friends of yours.'_

She turned her small head towards Shepard who was looking at the floor now. Shepard heard the little girl standing up and her eyes flew to her, only to see little Shepard approaching her. She immediately felt sick.

_'Your first squad...they're all saying hello to you. They're nice. Shame you left them to die.'_

Shepard swallowed hard and took a backwards step, her back hitting the wall.

"I didn't left them to die..." Little Shepard narrowed her eyes at her, a mocking smile on her face.

_'Sure, sure...you did everything you could. Just as you did everything to save Ashley? What about John, the private from your squad? Have you done everything to save him?'_

John was the youngest member of her squad, his death pained her the most. He died on a mission while jumping in front of a laser to save Shepard. She never forgave herself for his death, always blaming herself for it. Shepard swallowed hard and walked over to her medical locker, she put in the unlock code and took out her pills Doctor Michel prescribed her. Little Shepard laughed aloud, mockingly, and Shepard shook now, violently.

_'Aww, turning into a pill addict only to get rid of me? How funny.'_

"Leave. Now." Shepard swallowed the pill, it was her third and the last she should take for today. Little Shepard crossed her hands before her chest and glared angrily at Shepard, and her heart almost stopped. She was scared of that little girl, even though she couldn't harm her.

_'Or what? What could you possibly do to scare me away?'_

"What do you want?!" Shepard's voice was desperate, trembling. She wanted to get rid of that freaking girl, she wanted to be sane again. Little Shepard laughed aloud, her shoulders working with the laugh.

_'I want someone to talk to. Is that a crime?'_

"Please...leave me alone. I had no one to talk to either, yet I made it." Little Shepard got furious then. She started to yell, her voice deep and scary.

_'And now I should live through that again? You would willingly abandon me?!'_

"You're not even real." Shepard closed her eyes tightly as she fell to the floor, her back leaned against the wall. She ranked her hands in her hair and pulled it tightly, but little Shepard just wouldn't leave.

_'I can't leave you! I am you! I have gone through the stuff you call your past! Now you don't need anyone when you have that fucking lieutenant!'_

Little Shepard came and knelt down in front of her, Shepard felt her closeness although she wasn't real, and that freaked her out.

_'You were nothing until you met him. Nothing! Now you're pathetic and think he can save you from your past! I'm deciding if he can save you or not! And I'm telling you to ignore him. Or...'_

Shepard lifted her head towards the little girl only to see her angry eyes staring at her.

_'...or you will have to get rid of him. And by that I mean kill him!'_

Shepard's eyes flew wide open and she knew if she stayed here a second longer she would lose her mind completely. She stood up, took her jacket and left her quarters. She practically ran out of the Normandy as little Shepard spoke words of hate and terror into her mind. She told her over and over to kill Kaidan, to get rid of him because he was a distraction. Shepard cried all the way through the Citadel while she walked towards her destination. There was only one place she was safe now, and she hoped he would let her in.

Shepard was still seeing her little self sitting on every bench and standing in every dark corner with her hands crossed, her angry eyes looking at her. Shepard soon realized she had to ignore everything around her, focusing only on the right way. She came to the Wards quickly, little Shepard still yelling and watching her with hate written in her eyes. All Shepard could think of were the words 'please stop it', repeating them in her mind like a mantra.

_'You are alone! There is no one who cares for you! NO ONE! Now I'm ordering you to kill him!'_

Shepard finally reached her destination, she entered the building and took the elevator to the fifth floor. Her heartbeat was frantic, and again she saw little Shepard standing in the elevator before her. Shepard walked backwards until her back reached the elevator wall, her wide eyes were never leaving the hallucination as she started to beg.

"Please...leave me alone. I beg you." Shepard fell on her knees then, closing her eyes tightly as the hallucination stopped just before her, her angry eyes glaring down at her.

_'You are alone! And I can't leave you because I am you! There's nothing you can do to change that. Nothing! You should listen to me Jane!'_

The doors of the elevator opened and she stormed off towards the door. She didn't even bother to knock easily, instead she banged her fist on the door. She knocked loudly and heavily, she wanted to call his name, but she couldn't find her voice. Her sobs were choking her and the deep, scary voice of little Shepard just wouldn't stop.

_'Nothing can save you! You are alone, everyone left you! He will do the same, he will-'_

The doors slid open and she didn't waste a second before she flung herself into his arms. She was shaking, trembling, her sobs loud and filling the silence of the hallway. She buried her face in his chest and wrapped her hands around his waist. He hugged her close to him and suddenly little Shepard's voice died as she heard a very soothing, concerned and loving voice speaking to her.

"Shepard?" She couldn't do anything but cry in his embrace. He dragged her in and the door slid shut, he wanted to break the embrace to look at her, but she just tightened her grip around him. He tightened his grip around her as well, but he couldn't ignore the fear, the frantic beating of his heart anymore when he heard how loud and violently she cried. She shook as if her life was in danger, and that freaked him out.

"Jane...for Christ's sake, what happened?" She still cried and trembled, but she had to think of something that would convince him that nothing is wrong with her. Her head was still buried in his chest as she spoke.

"I...I had a nightmare. You and the crew...you all got slaughtered by Saren, and I...I couldn't move. I watched it the entire time, I screamed and tried to help you, but I couldn't move." She cried again, and Kaidan's heart broke at the sight. He tightened his grip around her and brought her head to his shoulder while wrapping his arms around her. She never opened her eyes, fearing to see little Shepard again, even here in her sanctuary. Kaidan stroked the back of her neck and rubbed her upper back, she was still trembling in his arms but he wouldn't force her for anything.

"Shh...Jane, I'm fine, the crew is fine. Everything is going to be alright." He tried to reassure her and he did. She stopped shaking and a small smile appeared on her face. They both stood like this, no one breaking the hug or saying anything. He simply held her without saying a word, as if he could read her mind. It was then Shepard realized Kaidan was shirtless wearing only some sweatpants. She blushed, now she could feel his strong and toned upper body, he was extremely warm and his warmth made her almost dizzy. He tightened his hug and she smiled, he protected her from everything, he was her saving grace.

After a long moment she slowly brought her face in front of his, her eyes looking at his chest. Kaidan looked down at her and his heart clenched when he saw her wet, red face. He wanted nothing more but to kiss her pain and fears away. He brought his hand up to her face and cupped her chin, lifting her head so she could look at him. Her eyes avoided his face at first, but after a while she gave in, she lifted her eyes only to see his chocolate eyes staring into hers, but what she saw would hunt her for the rest of her life.

Little Shepard's hands were around his neck, one hand holding him by his shoulder while the other held a knife to his throat. Her face was bloody, cuts and bruises were on her face as the blood seeped from her wounds. Her eyes were narrowed and staring down at Shepard while she wore a sick smile on her face. The hand with the knife worked from right to left, trying to slice Kaidan's throat. That was enough for Shepard. Her eyes rolled back and her knees gave in. Darkness engulfed her and she fell, but strong and warm hands stopped her fall. A few tears made their way down her face as she fell unconscious, and the last thing she heard was Kaidan screaming her name.

**Notes:**

Thanks to **Extreme Carrot** and **Gabe97 **for reviewing the last chapter. I love reading your reviews, keep posting them :-)

Next chapter will come soon. Yay :-)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes: **As said, here's the chapter a little sooner. Sorry for taking it sometimes too long to update, but my brain tends to stop with the ideas, then suddenly it has tons of them, then I have to write them down, check them...well, you can imagine, so sorry in advance for any future delay.

Thanks to **Gabe97**, **guest**, **Guest**, **Extreme Carrot **and **RiverStyx **for the lovely reviews.

Now I wanna say some other things. I know that their character growth might be stalled, but it's all part of the story. I wanna show a unsure Kaidan here because I imagine him very careful when it comes to approaching ones problems, especially when he cares for that person. I imagine him to be afraid that Shepard in this case pushes him away if he starts to pin her with his questions. Shepard, on the other hand, is too afraid to admit anything to him because she never had someone she could turn to about her problems. That's why it's so hard for them to actually talk. But enough of my blabbering lol, I do hope you will give those two a chance. And I have to say that your reviews opened my mind and gave me lots of ideas. So I hope you will continue to read, review and follow the story. Constructive criticism is welcome!

THANKS! :-)

p.s: Shepard gave Kaidan a temple massage in ch 5. ;-)

####

It was noon, a cold afternoon. It was late autumn, the wind whistled, the sun shone but still it was cold. She approached her old school and immediately she remembered the friends she had. Deena, Ron, Melissa...all of them were her friends. She hadn't seen them in a long time so she was happy to see them again. She stopped at the entry stairs of the school, she didn't want to enter. Suddenly the school bell rang, indicating the end of the day. Shepard stood there, excited and nervous to see her old friends again, and hoping they would help her, maybe even let her sleep in their homes for a few nights. The kids ran out and Shepard looked around hoping to see them when finally, she spotted Deena and Melisa getting out of the school.

"Deena! Melissa!" Shepard yelled to them while she waved her hands, her face lightning up with a big smile. Both Deena and Melissa looked around to see who called them, they even looked her way but they didn't recognize her. When Shepard saw they didn't recognize her she ran towards them, the other kids all eyeing her strangely as if she was an alien. She caught up with them and called them a second time.

"Deena, Melissa, wait!" Both the girls stopped and turned around, they stared at Shepard for a while, both not recognizing her. Shepard saw the confusion on her face and she tried again.

"It's me, Jane. Jane Shepard." Melissa and Deena eyed each other before they turned back to Shepard.

"Jane...what happened to you?" Deena asked concerned. She saw her dirty hair, her dirty clothes, she smelled ugly. Shepard lowered her head and blushed hard because she knew why they were asking.

"I...uhm...I wanted to ask you if...if I could sleep at one of your homes?" Deena and Melissa eyed each other again, both confused, before Melissa spoke to her.

"Why don't you go home and wash yourself?" Deena crossed her hands in front of her chest before she spoke too.

"Yes, I mean...do you know how you look like?" Shepard blushed even more but they were true, so she wasn't mad at them.

"My home...it was burnt down. Now I have no where to turn to. Please, could I just...you know...use your bathroom to clean myself?" Deena and Melissa looked at Shepard, both not believing what she just said.

"Your home was burnt down? Really?" They didn't believe her, Shepard could feel that and again she felt alone.

"It's true!"

"And where are your parents? Why are they not taking care of you?" Shepard swallowed hard as her heart clenched in her chest.

"I don't know where they are. They left me..." She barely managed to speak without choking herself. Deena shook her head and Melissa eyed her angrily.

"Well, maybe if you had cleaned yourself properly they would still be around." Shepard looked up at them, her mind not believing what she just heard. She blinked rapidly to suppress her tears but she wouldn't back down that easily.

"Please, I need help." Deena laughed then and shook her head.

"I'm sure you need help, but you're asking at the wrong place." Both of them laughed now and Shepard felt humiliated, alone. She couldn't believe that this were her friends.

"Please. I'm just asking to stay a few nights at your place, then I'm gone." Both Deena and Melissa turned despite Shepard begging them. They walked away from her but Shepard followed them, which was a grave mistake. Deena turned and threw her sandwich on Shepard, Melissa threw her plastic bottle at her. Shepard froze and stared wide eyed at her 'friends', in the meanwhile the other kids stopped around them and looked at Shepard like she was a criminal. Shepard realized she was in danger so she turned and ran away, the tears finally falling down her face. She cried loudly as she ran away, she could hear the kids laughing and calling her nasty names. She just cried and cried, the people she walked into on the streets just ignored her. She walked into an empty alley and sat down in the far, dark corner where no one could see her. Even her friends turned their back on her, now she felt truly alone. She wondered how long this would go on because slowly, she was starting to lose hope...and the will to move on.

####

Shepard slowly opened her eyes, she was crying but she didn't toss herself around. She was used to have such nightmares, she was used to wake up crying, sweaty and afraid. After that day in the school she never saw those two again, not that she wanted though. They were her friends and they abandoned her in the time she needed their help. Shepard would never forgive them, even if their lives depended on her forgiveness.

She looked around only to see she was in an unknown room. She turned her head aside and saw on the small clock on the nightstand it was 7:30 am. She sat up and studied the room, she didn't remember anything from last night and she wondered where she was. Suddenly the door slid open and her eyes fell on it. Her heart stopped when she saw Kaidan walking in, wearing his shirt and sweatpants, his eyes immediately locking with hers. She sniffed and washed her face with the back of her hand as Kaidan walked to her, holding two cups in his hands. Shepard lowered her head and looked at the sheet that covered her, it was then she realized she could maybe be in his room. She felt him sitting down next to her and she took a deep breath to calm herself.

"Morning." Was all he said as he handed her a cup. She looked down on it, it was tea, she smiled weakly as she took the cup from him.

"Morning." She sniffed again as she sipped her tea. Kaidan had coffee, this was his second coffee this morning because he was awake all night, sitting on a chair next to the bed after he put her down. He watched over her, she slept peacefully and didn't toss herself around but still he was extremely worried, and slowly he started lose his nerves with her lies. He looked at her while sipping his coffee, he saw she cried earlier, in her sleep perhaps. He wanted to ask her and show her he's there for her, but he didn't know how to approach the subject without making her even more upset.

"Jane, are you okay?" The question just slipped out of his mouth, not that he minded. She sipped her tea and nodded weakly, she could tell he was worried but she didn't know why he cared that much. Not that she didn't appreciate it, but it confused her.

"I'm fine, it was just a nightmare." She said as if she said something unimportant. Kaidan took a deep breath to calm his racing mind. He so wanted to pin her with his questions, but he knew that would bring him no good. So he tried it slowly, step by step.

"Wanna share it with me?" She watched the cup in her hands, she could hear the pleading tone of his voice. He was concerned, but that slowly started to annoy her even though he was her anchor, and even though she cared for him. But she was no little girl for heaven's sake.

"It was just a nightmare. I'm fine now." Kaidan pursed his lips tightly together, his anger grew slightly because she kept blocking him. He didn't want that.

"You know you can talk to me?" Shepard let out a frustrated sigh and placed the cup of tea on his nightstand. Then she folded her hands on her lap and looked at him, her face giving her annoyance away.

"I know that, but I don't want to talk about it." Kaidan watched her, stunned and hurt. Her reaction surprised him completely and he wondered if he crossed a line. But when he gave it a better thought, he didn't care.

"I just want to help." Then she snapped, involuntarily.

"You can't help me Kaidan! No one can!" Her voice was louder and sounded tougher than she intended. Kaidan let out a heavy sigh and shook his head as the headache he felt grew. He was silent for a while, looking at the floor as he decided to speak freely. He couldn't accept her acting like this any more.

"I could help you if you'd stop blocking me." Shepard watched him and narrowed her eyes. Kaidan was sweet and tender and caring, but this slowly started to choke her. It seemed to her that he sees her as a broken thing who needs someone to protect her. That thought made her angry.

"Oh really?" Her sarcasm made him look at her. He was confused and angry, but it seems she was too. Why he didn't know, but he felt that right now, he overstepped his boundaries. "You could help me?" Kaidan wasn't sure what exactly to say, but he would say what he thinks.

"Uhm...yea." She let out a bitter laugh and shook her head as she looked away from him. Then after a while she looked back, her brows furrowed together and her arms crossed.

"So you could erase my past and help me get over the nightmares, the traumas and the horrible things I've lived through because my parents left me?" Kaidan opened his mouth to speak but she raised her hand and silenced him. "Can you do that Kaidan? Hm?" Kaidan was shocked, and now he was angry. Really angry.

"No, but-"

"Then stop pretending like you could! I'm not a broken weak girl that needs someone to watch over her!" He stood up abruptly and walked up and down a line as his biotics flared slightly. Then he turned to her, his face angry as well as his voice.

"I'm just trying to tell you that you aren't alone Jane! Besides, do you even remember last night?" He gradually raised his voice and Shepard's blood froze. She would never forget last night and the imagine of little Shepard around his neck. That would haunt her for the rest of her life. Luckily Kaidan didn't notice her shocked expression so he continued. "I am scared to death for heavens sake! The way you cried and then passed out in my arms. Sometimes-" Then he silenced abruptly and locked his eyes on hers. Shepard saw the worry and hurt in them, but she was still annoyed. She didn't want to be treated like a little girl.

"I'm okay." He let out a bitter laugh and shook his head.

"And there! You keep blocking me! I thought you trusted me!" That's it. She pushed the sheet aside, stood up and walked past him to his chair to take her jacket. Then she started to walk hastily towards the door, but he wouldn't have it. He panicked so he grabbed her wrist and spun her around, but the moment he did that she shook of his grip. "Where are you going?" His voice softened as he realized that he truly overstepped his boundaries. Shepard came right in his face and glared angrily at him. She was beyond pissed.

"Stop treating me like a broken thing Kaidan! I'm NOT broken!" She yelled before she left the room. Her voice shook when she said the word 'broken' and Kaidan wondered if she lied. He wouldn't give up that easily though, so he ran after her, yelling 'Jane, Jane' in hope to stop her. But she wouldn't even turn to him. Instead she just walked downstairs towards the entry door. Kaidan realized she would truly leave if he doesn't stop her somehow.

"Jane, stop. I beg you." Somehow she couldn't ignore the pleading tone in his voice. She stopped just before the entry door and slowly turned around to face him. His expression made her almost cry, even though she was still angry at him. "Please, let's just talk and-"

"Kaidan...I appreciate your concern for me, I really do, but...no one can help me. But I'm okay, really. I'm fine. Highly functional soldier." She didn't realize her voice trailed off, and as soon as she saw Kaidan's face she had to get out of there. Something choked her, and she needed some distance from him for now. He was her comfort, her rock and her sanctuary, but right now he choked her with his kindness. She just hoped that he wouldn't be mad at her for this because that she wouldn't be able to bear.

####

A few hours later...

After being in his apartment the entire time he decided to go back to the Normandy, silently hoping he would see her there. The argument they had this morning still played in his mind and it made him crazy to think that she could be angry at him. He just wanted to help her get over whatever she's going through, he wanted to be her rock, her anchor. He thought he meant something to her.

He entered the Normandy and greeted the few crew members that still spent their moments here on the ship because they had no place to go to. Kaidan let out a heavy sigh when he didn't saw her on the first floor. He didn't want to ask Joker though because that would lead to several questionings. Kaidan didn't need that now, not when he had other, more important things to worry about. He took the stairs to the second, lower deck, still deep in thought as he still hoped to find her here.

He reached the last stair and walked behind the large wall, his shoulders slumped down and he was feeling miserable. Suddenly he spotted someone kneeling in front of the lockers, then he recognized Shepard in front of her locker. He wanted to go to her and demand they talk, but he stopped abruptly when he saw her putting something in her mouth and throwing her head back to swallow it. Her eyes were closed as she did that, then his eyes fell on her hands and he saw her closing something, before she put it back in her locker. Kaidan stood there, unable to move or breathe as fear and curiosity overwhelmed him. He wanted to know what she swallowed but he also knew Shepard wouldn't tell him no matter how much he demanded an answer.

He shook his head and swallowed hard as he finally freed himself of the trance and moved up to her. Her eyes were still closed, her head lowered and her palm resting on her locker as he stopped behind her. Shepard felt someone standing behind her so she fell on her rear, leaning her back on the locker. Kaidan glanced at the locker and saw she didn't lock it, and made a mental note of that. He looked back at her and saw her staring away from him, he could tell by the look on her face that she was still angry, even though hours have passed.

"Commander?" He silenced for a while waiting for her to look at him, but she just sat there without saying a word. Kaidan took a deep breath to distract his mind from the early sight, and to lower his annoyance and anger. "Commander." She still ignored him, but she didn't move away either. Shepard watched the wall and didn't stand up because she felt dizzy. She took the pill and somehow it always made her dizzy for a few minutes. She hoped her posture would tell him to go away, but he wouldn't have it. Instead he let out a heavy sigh and sat down on the floor, leaning his back against it. She cursed inwardly, right now she didn't need his concern, she only needed him to let her alone for a while.

Kaidan looked at the floor as he tried to find something to say that would lower the tension between them. He hated the thought of her being angry at him, but here they were. The argument they had this morning couldn't be forgotten that easily it seems, and there were no words that could make them forget it. He let out a heavy sigh and lifted his head to stare at the ceiling, the back of his head now leaned against the wall behind him. She heard him sigh and turned her head slightly to his direction, but she didn't look at him. Kaidan decided to speak, whether she would say something or not.

"I'm sorry, Jane." His voice was a rough whisper, he still stared at the ceiling as the words just came out of his mouth. "I didn't want to yell at you, or make you upset. It's just...I'm worried, Shepard, that's all. No cruel intentions." He still whispered, then swallowed hard while he waited for her reply. Shepard stared at the wall, a sudden lump in her throat choking her and making her heart heavy. She heard his pained voice, she could hear the regret he felt. Somehow though she couldn't talk. The lump in her throat wouldn't allow it. Kaidan took a deep breath as the silence stretched between them until he couldn't be silent any more.

"I'm just fearing that...you're dying and that you try to hide it from anyone...from me." Shepard slowly turned her head fully to him, but didn't dare look at his face. Instead she looked at his folded knee where his arm rested, her heart clenched when she heard what truly bothered him. She couldn't stay silent any longer.

"I'm not dying Kaidan. I'm not sick." She whispered for his ears only, she lied with the sick part but he couldn't know that. Kaidan let out a sigh of relief and lowered his head to finally look at her. She was staring at his knee, but it was enough for him to see her face. She took a deep breath and her shoulders slumped down slightly as she decided to say what bothered her, to let it out of her. "I still have nightmares of my past. And it still haunts me. I still remember the cold nights I had to spend on the streets, alone and with only a blanket to keep me warm." Her voice was shaking and her eyes grew distant and watery. Kaidan couldn't tear his eyes away from her as she spoke about her past. He was happy, yet he was sad. To hear this sad story made his heart clench.

Shepard looked away from him and stared at the ceiling, blinking rapidly in hope to stop the tears. She couldn't keep all to herself any more, she had to get rid of at least a tiny part of her past. "There are nights when I wake up, sweaty and shaking, trying to realize where I am. Sometimes I forget, you know, that I'm on the Normandy. Sometimes I still think that I'm on the streets fighting for my survival. I was alone, back then. I had no one. Even later, when I joined the Alliance, I preferred to stay alone. That's what I got used to. I got used to being alone." She lowered and shook her head, her eyes suddenly dry and the tears gone. It felt so natural to talk to him about this that the tears disappeared all alone. She took a shaky breath as she stretched her legs, her eyes now looking at her hands in her lap.

"There are times when I remember all of it, my friends, my parents. My mom's pancakes on Sunday morning and dad's grill on Sunday noon. The movie nights when we went to the nearby cinema to watch Snow White or The Last Unicorn. The trips to the zoo, my dad holding me on his shoulders so I could have a better view." She swallowed the immense lump and took a shaky breath before she continued. "Then there are times when I don't remember anything. This crew, the people I work with...they help me forget. And then there's you..." Then she found the courage to look at him and the lump in her throat grew again. Kaidan swallowed hard, never looking away from her as his heart threatened to jump out of his chest. She smiled weakly as she looked at him. "...you make it all go away. Just like that. You...you're..." She knew what to call him, but she wasn't ready to say it out loud. Instead she silenced and lowered her head again as she sniffed. Kaidan couldn't watch her like this any longer. He stood up, stopped when he came next to her then sat down again. His leg touched hers, his right hand touching her left. He hesitantly lifted his right hand and brought it around her shoulders, pulling her into an half hug.

Her body immediately molded into his as she leaned her head on his shoulder. She didn't cry, she wouldn't allow herself to ruin such a wonderful moment. With him so close to her and cradled safely in his arms, nothing could happen to her. He was her everything. He was her love. Kaidan leaned his head on hers and took a deep breath as he pulled her even closer to him, he was relaxed because he knew the Normandy was empty by now.

"I just wanna be there for you Jane. And I'm not treating you like a broken thing. I'm just worried." She smiled at that and brought her hand on his. She was cold, he was warm, but soon he warmed her body. Her heart raced in her chest, she was so nervous, yet she enjoyed this intimacy they shared. It was magical.

"Thank you Kaidan. And I'm sorry for yelling at you this morning. But, I reassure you that I'm fine. Except the nightmares nothing's happening to me." He chuckled and ranked his fingers with hers.

"Okay Jane, I'll believe you." They never sat like this before and Kaidan had to admit he loved it. His heart raced as well as his mind, but he felt amazing to hold her so close to him. Suddenly she lifted her head to his and he lowered his gaze to look at her. Both gazed deep into each others eyes, both lost in the moment. Suddenly her gaze fell to his lips, his gaze fell on her lips. Both were silent and both blinked rapidly as their faces neared each others. He could already feel her breath on his skin, she could feel his breath on her skin. Their noses touched, they were so close-

"Commander, I received a message from Captain Anderson." Kaidan and Shepard froze instantly. Slowly, very slowly they leaned away from each other. That wasn't the first time Kaidan wanted to kill Joker for interrupting them, but then another thought crossed his mind: what if he spied on them? He swallowed hard, but it seems that he wasn't the only one afraid.

"Are you spying on us, Joker?"

"No ma'am, I knew you were on the ship so I thought I'd pass the message on. He said he wants to meet you at the Flux." Shepard let out a frustrated sigh as they both heard Joker turning off the intercom. Kaidan looked at Shepard and smiled weakly before he spoke.

"Then you better go...Commander. Don't want the Captain waiting." Shepard nodded and she knew he was right, but somehow she couldn't move. Again they almost kissed, and again they were interrupted. She shook her head to clear her mind before she slowly stood up, he following her. She glanced one last time at Kaidan and smiled before she started to leave, leaving a very stunned Kaidan behind.

He watched her until she disappeared behind the wall. He stood there like glued when he turned to her locker, looking at the green light indicating it's unlocked. He was so tempted to open her locker and see what she put in there. He shook his head, she could return any moment if she maybe forgot something, then she would see him looking into her personal things. No. He decided to sit down the mass hall table to think. For now, he didn't want to do anything until he's completely sure of it.

He sat down on his usual seat from where he could see her locker. So many thoughts swirled through his mind; the moment earlier when they almost kissed, last night when she passed out in his arms, the night when he heard her scream coming from her room. Fear overwhelmed him again as he thought about it, and again the part of his mind that wanted to open her locker, was winning. He let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand through his short, dark hair as he feared he would give in. He readjusted in his chair and leaned his hands on the table as he started to think about everything.

He remembered the one time on Virmire when she was all sweaty, then she retreated to sit on a log in the shadows. The next thing he remembered was the time when they sat in the briefing room. Ashley was calling her but she just stared at Ashley, her face pale as death and her eyes wide with fear. A while later she calmed down and became normal, but that look on her face, that sudden change in her wasn't normal at all. Then he remembered the time she screamed and he ran into her room. He hugged her and she said 'you're not him', as if she was talking to another person before he came in. Then he remembered last night, how she shook in his arms and how she passed out as soon as she looked up at him. That night he didn't sleep, he watched her the entire time, he even cried a little. His heart was torn apart, but she told him she wasn't sick. But could he believe her? No, because he slowly started to realize that she's indeed sick. Again, she lied to him.

He sat there for another hour and Shepard still didn't return. He was so tired so he decided to go back to his apartment and have a little sleep. He would talk to Shepard in the morning if she wants. He stopped by the wall and turned his head around to look at her locker. His mind screamed at him to go and see what she's hiding, but his heart told him to trust her, for now. Slowly and very tired he made his way out of the Normandy.

Half an hour later he reached the door to his apartment, but he readied his biotics when he saw the light on the door lightning green. Someone was inside his apartment. He took out his gun and entered, his senses sharp and his biotics flaring slightly when he approached the living room. He entered with his gun drawn, ready to shoot down whoever entered. It wasn't a burglar, however, that sat on his couch. It shocked him to see her here.

"Shepard?" He put his gun down on the nearby end table, but he didn't move. He wanted to know what's going on. "How did you enter?" Shepard swallowed hard and lowered her head like a little girl who'd been caught stealing.

"I uhm...I override the security." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as Kaidan slowly approached her. He thought to go to bed, but now when he saw her standing here like this, sleep wasn't an option anymore. He wanted to know if something bothered her.

"Is everything alright Jane?" Then their eyes locked, and he knew from the look in her eyes that nothing is alright. Shepard couldn't be silent any longer, she couldn't keep her past buried inside her or she would explode.

"No Kaidan...nothing is alright."

####

Half an hour earlier...

Shepard walked through the citadel, the talk with Anderson made her weary and confused. His idea send chills down her spine, but as long as she thought about it she became aware that it is the only way. She let out a heavy sigh as she walked through the Wards, her hands in her jeans pockets and her head lowered. Her mind was troubled with everything, and what's worse she couldn't stop thinking about her past. It choked her and slowly she couldn't hold it all down any longer. She had to talk to someone, to at least tell someone what she's been through and how she felt like. Suddenly she caught sight of a familiar building and her heart raced.

But she kept walking to the building, knowing that the person who lived there would listen to her as long as she needs it. She quickened her pace and minutes later, she was in the elevator that would take her to the fifth floor. Once the elevator door opened, she noticed the red light on the door panel. She knew he wasn't home, but that wouldn't stop her from entering. She couldn't be alone now, not when she became depressed again, and knowing well that her demon would haunt her. She knew she would break into his apartment and that this would probably make him angry, but she needed to do this.

Five minutes later she hacked his security with her omni-tool and entered, the door slid shut and she immediately went to his living room. She sat down on his couch and took a deep, cleansing breath to steel her mind. She would wait for him, and then she would talk to him. She would tell him everything that ever happened in her past. The only thing she would leave out would be her current state, because no matter how much attached she was to Kaidan, she couldn't tell him. She would wait for the right time to tell him.

####

Oh and just one last question: what do you think, how will Kaidan find out about her sickness? ;-)


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